A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in situation where I consider myself deeply infatuated with a female co-worker/friend. We've grown close over the past couple of months and hang out alone often. She has a boyfriend and she sometimes mentions her love for her boyfriend. Here are my questions:1. Why would she hang out with me so constantly if she is so much in love with him? I mean, I would get upset if I find out my girlfriend is hanging out with a guy at work everyday and are talking just about everything with this guy (Me).2. If she's strictly being platonic, why does she seem to enjoy my company so much and always makes eye contact?3. Is it a good idea to tell her how I feel about her? Which is at a insane level of affection now.4. If she rejects me, should I stop all the flirting, deep conversations, eye contacts and jokes with her? I mean, we get along super great now because of all of the above.5. Lastly, I have a feeling she may reject me if I confess due to she had already commented on her feeling for her boyfriend, but how do I get her to tell me her real feelings about me?Thanks,Desperately in love and in agony at the same time
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2012): Thank you both for the extensive and very clear cut answers to my question. I am distancing myself at the moment from any unnecessary contacts, in hope that I will soon stop my feelings for her. I never thought I would be in this predicament again, the last time it happened it was eons ago. I guess this just reminds me I am just a normal human being and have all the weaknesses.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2012): She views you as either a father figure or a friend. If you are flirting with ger, she may be mentioning her boyfriend to try and remind you that there are boundaries to your friendship and as a hint that he is not interested in a romantic relationship with you.
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A
female
reader, G's_Girl  +, writes (27 June 2012):
 To Desperately in Love AND in Agony Anonymous,Sorry that you find yourself in this predicament with your co-worker who over the past couple of months has become a good friend.1) Her spending time with you at work, and her feelings for her boyfriend are two separate things. The fact that she spends time with you at work is because she has no choice and has come to trust you by sharing her day. The fact that she mentions her love for her boyfriend shows this is one sided: you have feelings for her, while her feelings are for her boyfriend, irrespective how much time she spends with you at work. She probably does not see how you feel, thinking that the mere mention of her love for her boyfriend would have indicated to you she is unavailable, however your friendship is something she enjoys at work.2) People can be fake at work, with their own agendas, so once she realised she could trust you, she doesn't realise that the amount of time she shares with you, has given rise to you having feelings for her, and that you now equate the time spent with more than just friendship. This is not so. It's the same if a guy is interested, and a girl tells him she ONLY wants friendship yet he thinks if they go out 5 or more times, she will change her mind. She won't. If she just wants friendship, that is all it will remain, whether you go out once, or many times, it remains a friendship while the guy hopes for more.3) I don't think it's a good idea to share how you feel in the hopes she will respond in kind, because I don't believe she feels the same. If it's reached "insane" levels of affection now on your part, then it is no longer healthy for you. So instead of just sharing how you feel, you need to lessen the time spent with her alone. Be honest and share with her that despite knowing she has a boyfriend whom she loves, all the time you have spent together has created feelings in you, and you want to respect her relationship so therefore feel you need to spend less time together. She will understand and if she is a good friend, she will facilitate this, to spare your feelings further, and to honour her relationship. 4) Definitely stop the flirting, it won't get you anywhere with someone who not only told you she has a boyfriend, but one who she loves. It would have been a very different story if she shared with you how controlling he was, how he verbally or physically abused her and you helped her daily, that would have been different. The fact she is happy, leave it be.5) Even you have a gut feeling she will reject you based on what she has told you. Follow your instincts and what others on here will say: look after yourself, let her enjoy her relationship with her boyfriend, and be a good friend by distancing yourself a bit. When you share how you feel, if she had any similar mutual feelings, that is when she would share but honestly I think it's one sided. So look around you at work - find another male who you could share interests with, where the romantic tendencies would not exist. Keep the friendship with her, just lessen the amount of time spent alone with her, it's not healthy for you.Here's wishing you new kinder friendships for you :) and look around for the SINGLE ladies ;-) Good Luck!F5
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (27 June 2012):
 I would want to know if your workplace has a policy on co-workers dating one another first. Sometimes work relationships can cause a multitude of problems. If you make a move and she rejects you, you are going to have to continue on working together without any hard feelings. If you ask her out, and at some point you are fighting or break up, you will have to deal with all of these things at work too. She hangs out with you because you work together. That doesn't mean she doesn't like you, she could very well like you, but she does have and talk about her boyfriend. The only way you can find out is to ask her. Maybe you could say something like "I know you have a boyfriend, but I really like you. Would you like to go out sometime?" Be prepared for her response. At least then you will know and won't be so tortured.
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