A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been single for 3 yrs and in Feb. I met someone who is perfect for me, the first 3 months were Bliss,we were together everyday , he put everything and everyone aside for me, and just this month that all changed, I have only seen him twice a week in the beginning of the month and now its going on 6 days without him, he does call me 3 times a day but they are 2 min conversations. This is feeling like a friendship not a relationship- I get so sad when he tells me he isnt coming over, he senses that sadness and feels bad for making me sad and then distances himself from me, which makes me even more sad. He has said when he feels I am sad he pulls away, but that is making me worse, I dont know what to do , I have been working on my reactions and havent been letting him know I am sad, but this is still happening, I dont think he would cheat on me, and he does have so much going on in his life, that i am at the bottom of the list, he has 2 jobs 2 kids ,so not much time for an outsider, but I feel if he wanted to see me he could make it happen, because he did the first 3 months. I have tried to change my ways, but I fear its too late, he pulled away and hasnt come back, what do I do ?? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I need to just relax- everything I wrote yesterday, was very far fetched, I was making things up in my head all day and none of it was accurate, what really happened is he called me from work last night and I said what happened , he said it was a night mare- his X came to his work and destroyed his phone, thats why he didnt call and thats why it went straight to voicemail- I keep my heart open and listen to it-I know he is being truthful, I worried about nothing, he is a really good guy, and I need to accept it, also I said you need to stop playing with peoples feelings and stop giving her hope, thats not the answer and apparently its not working, he agreed with me , i went on to suggest a lawyer, and let the law handle it, he cant keep living his life like this and neither can I. As long as he attempts to make an effort to solve this problem the right way , I will stick with him through thick or thin.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFunny how fast things can turn around,our 5 month was thurs.the 10th- we had a magical night went to see the Cleveland indians play,they won-perfect weather -perfect motorcycle ride there and back, the next day he calls me at lunch and isnt happy,I had put a comment on myspace that said,"enough baby mama drama get your own man" he got an earfull from the psyco X, and i wondered why is she so concerned doesnt she know about me,he said I have to give her hope if i want to see my kids!!!!Oh my god, I broke down,he talked me through it as much as he could and made me understand it was complicated,and I gave in and went to a 3doorsdown concert, had a good time, got home and called him but no answer I knew he was working so i text and said call when u have time- I woke up this morning feeling sick to my stomach ,he never called when i called him his phone was turned off, that leads me to believe he must have stayed the night with her to see the kids today,knowing if i called while he was there it would be more trouble from psyco- I cant stop thinking of what he may of had to do to give her HOPE, I am so sick about this ,I do believe he cant stand her and kills her with kindness to keep the visitations as smooth as possible.I asked him what do u do to give her hope do you kiss her,he said not like that, maybe a hug and peck on the cheeck,when he leaves, he also said he sometimes tells her he loves her,but he doesnt,he cant stand her,but he said she has his money and his kids , so she won. she is why I dont see him as often ,she stalks him and checks up on him to see if he really is going where he says,this is just crazy!He said he wants to be with me ,but he will do anything to see his kids! I know I deserve better,but I am so in Love I am being blind,because I want to believe this will work in the future,but if he keeps giving her hope,then I cant settle down and have the family I want,I am still deciding what I should do ,its so hard to just give him up and end it- I asked him why did you contact me 5 months ago if this is how you knew your life was, he said he was looking for a better life. I'm so stressed out ,on the verge of crying , staring at the phone wondering when he will call and what lines he will feed me today, to give me HOPE.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone for your advise. Since I posted this , things are a little improved, I got a Reiki attumnent and cleansed my chakras.The problem lies in me, my reactions were causing his actions. I also told myself outloud I am done crying. Amazingly I havent cried since. I think I put subliminal messages in my mind, kind of like self -hypnosis. Also I suggested we change somthing else, that might help. He always calls me Baby. yesterday it dawned on me..subliminal messaging, I am acting like a baby, because I am being called one., So now he calls me Sweetie, and it really works I feel sweeter. He still only visits me twice a week, and I am adjusting to it. Its not that he doesnt want to see me , he lives 45Min away and at the end of his day he is just so tired driving that far is the last thing he wants to do. I understand now.He hasnt heard or seen me cry because I stopped. I always sound happy. Of course when we are together its so perfect. He still calls me at lunch and to tuck me in at night. I still feel unsure of whats to come , but no one really knows. I stopped asking him when will I see him again, that was too much pressure for him because he really never knows how he will feel later in the week,and it doesnt help me out at all, so I just stopped asking and its a surprise when he does. Yes it seems I am the only one making changes, but he was like this before I met him, this is his lifestyle and I knew its up to me to adjust, if I wanted it to work. Thanks again and I will keep updating periodically.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone for your advise. Since I posted this , things are a little improved, I got a Reiki attumnent and cleansed my chakras.The problem lies in me, my reactions were causing his actions. I also told myself outloud I am done crying. Amazingly I havent cried since. I think I put subliminal messages in my mind, kind of like self -hypnosis. Also I suggested we change somthing else, that might help. He always calls me Baby. yesterday it dawned on me..subliminal messaging, I am acting like a baby, because I am being called one., So now he calls me Sweetie, and it really works I feel sweeter. He still only visits me twice a week, and I am adjusting to it. Its not that he doesnt want to see me , he lives 45Min away and at the end of his day he is just so tired driving that far is the last thing he wants to do. I understand now.He hasnt heard or seen me cry because I stopped. I always sound happy. Of course when we are together its so perfect. He still calls me at lunch and to tuck me in at night. I still feel unsure of whats to come , but no one really knows. I stopped asking him when will I see him again, that was too much pressure for him because he really never knows how he will feel later in the week,and it doesnt help me out at all, so I just stopped asking and its a surprise when he does. Yes it seems I am the only one making changes, but he was like this before I met him, this is his lifestyle and I knew its up to me to adjust, if I wanted it to work. Thanks again and I will keep updating periodically.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all thanks to everyone who has given me advise so far, very informative, its nice to get an outside point of view. After writing this, I have talked to him on the phone knowing he was going to be with the kids last night so I didnt see him ,he called me at lunch,it was a short but sweet conversations,and he usually calls to tuck me in at night but last night he didnt I am pretty sure he went to a bar on the way home from seeing his kids, but I was emotionally stable and just went to sleep.Two days ago when he backed out from coming over he asked my plans for tonight and said he wants to see me today right after work, this is the 6th day without him,after all this heartache I am stronger I can feel it,so I am ready for anything. Its all up to tonight,if he backs out Again, I will nicely ask for my things back and end it. I dont want that to happen,at all, I just want him to do what he said,and come over . What ever happens,I will keep you posted.
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female
reader, amapola +, writes (24 June 2008):
This may sound corny...but I read once that men are like "rubber bands"...they will stretch as far as they can then...come back and be closer than before.
What to do...is just leave them alone and keep busy with your own activities...find things that genuinly make you happy. Let him know you are happy and keeping busy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2008): Well obviously he had a change of heart. What I find troubling is both of your reactions.
On his part, he tried to put the blame on YOU, by saying that "your sadness" is what keeps him away. Yeah, BULLSH*T. You didn't really buy that did you? He's playing the blame game just to justify his own sh*tty behavior. I think it is pretty shady for him to be with you for 3 months and just pull away without giving you an explanation. You don't do that. I recently dated someone for just 3 weeks and he gave me a heartfelt goodbye and explanation when he broke it off (he was only 22). THAT is the mature way to do things. And for that he has my respect.
As for you, I see you doing something that I have seen many women do. You claim to have been single for a very long time and in my opinion it is to justify that you somehow are allowed to be vulnerable and clueless about men. At 30 years old, let's face it, you are not clueless. Look, I have been single for two years. And I know that knowing how to date men is like riding a bike. You never forget.
So if you were dating someone for 3 whole months, and all of a sudden he pulls away, you need to SPEAK UP and act like you deserve an explanation cause YOU DO. You are not a doormat. That was 3 months of YOUR time invested in this man...you definitely deserve an explanation. NEVER sell yourself so short. And if he can't give you an explanation other than "oh its all your fault with your sadness" or "I need time to figure things out," whatever, then you say to him to not bother calling you anymore. Simple as that.
Stop being nice to him. He is being a jerk to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2008): Hi sweet.
I really feel for you here as the exact same thing has just happened to me and in the same time frame, everything was perfect for a few months then ha started to call less and made excuses not to see me. i know it sucks.
we did everything together and he hated being away from me.
I knew things were not the same so i asked him by text which was a mistake. i should have spoken to him face to face.he text me back to say he shouldn't have got involved and he was sorry but couldn't have a relationship and i was so nice he found it hard to tell me.
He said i was a nice person and wished me all the best.
What on earth is all that about.
That was 2 weeks ago and havn't heard a thing.I fell for this guy and i'm sat here heart brocken.
All i can say is try and talk to him, at least you will know where you stand. just be prepared.
It might be that he is just busy and got a lot on at the moment but like you said, what is different from the last 3 months?
my fella only came out of a 7 year relationship a few months before he met me so i guess i was the rebound girl and that makes me feel terrible.
If someone doesn't show you the love and respect you deserve and wants the same thing as you then you have to let them go. It does not matter how short the relationship was you can't help your feelings.
I wish you the best of luck and let us know how you get on. hugs and kisses. xxx
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A
female
reader, confusedinkent  +, writes (24 June 2008):
 Well I think you need to make him aware of how you feel. Its not ideal to do this over the phone, but if he cant make time for you then it may be the only way to tell him. Just make it clear that you need to have an important chat, and you would rather do it in person than over the phone. Once thats out of the way, you need to make him aware that you feel he is distancing himself from you. Make sure that you tell him how you feel about him and what you would like to happen from now on. Also I would make it clear that when he tells you his not comming over, your bound to be upset. It may be hard to keep the relationship going with all his other commitments and his children too, but if he likes you enough then he will make some time for you, even if its only two days a week.
But you also need to be understanding of his situation too.
You need to try to look ahead, if your both serious about this relationship then things will get better over time. You may even decide to live together and then there will be no issues regarding spending time with each other.
But most importantly sort out the problems you have now, as long as you make it clear how you feel for your boyfriend and that you are sympathetic to his situation you should be able to sort things out.
If its meant to be you'll know.
xx
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