A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Right, this is probably going to sound ridiculous, but it's an issue for me regardless. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. I've just moved back home for the summer and we are now in seperate countries, as was the scenario last summer. Last summer he told me that he was using magazines of naked/half naked women to masturbate, after I asked him on a whim if he did that. It took me by surprise as we were (are) very in love, and he had never done this while we were together. The thought of him using this to masturbate made me ill. Yes of course I know it's normal and I know it's unrealistic to expect complete and utter sexual devotion, but I cannot believe that you can love someone with all your heart and still need to look at other naked women. I wanted to be the only naked woman in his life. Of course he's attracted to others, but I exect him to keep that in his mind. Anyway, now that we're apart again I wonder if I can trust him. He has promised he won't look at porn or mags. I have sent him pictures of myself to masturbate to. We do it over the phone together too, which I know he enjoys. We really are very in love, and he knows I expect commitment in every way, is this possibe?
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male
reader, moose061970  +, writes (12 March 2009):
So he is using magazines of naked/half naked women to masturbate to. He is not touching any other females or males. You should be happy he is not into the video, books or magazines that are full of pornography . You should be very happy he is not driving to the x rated
part of town for a prostitute or maybe look on a chat line for an erotic services like this ad on a chat line XXXGUARANTEED PLEASUREXXX - (woman for a man ad). There are a lot worst things for him to be doing, you have a good man there, just a strong sex drive. I hope I help.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Dr. Pete, your response is encouraging. I respect men like you who have the intelligence to understand that it is not to much to ask anyone in a loving relatonship to be 'mentally monogamous'. Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2007): I know you're not asking the question anymore but for what it's worth, I don't think you're expecting too much either. It is entirely possible for a man to live a happy life without having to masturbate to pictures of naked women!
When men practice mental monogamy it almost certainly results in them having a more intimate relationship with their partner. This practice is routinely recommended in couples counselling. It sounds like you have a great relationship already though, don't you? and that's the main thing, regardless of what other people think on here.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo eddie: Like I said, it is only the visual stimulation that bothers me, I don't care about fantacising. What is in his mind, I have no desire to know. You misunderstood what I meant when I said he cried, he cried while telling me how much he missed me. We weren't even speaking about this. I just mentioned that to give a better picture of what he's like, which is to say he can be rather sensitive. I praised him for being honest with me. I would have been living a lie, thinking that this would never happen in my relationship, if he hadn't. His telling me saved our relationship. At the time, he didn't know how much it bothered me (I'm actually very liberal in all other ways) and now he knows me better. I love that he masturbates, and hope he is getting a good release from it. He knows that I don't look at other naked men to get off (and has admitted it would really bother him if I did) and, as such, he shouldn't either. And in the end, I really have a lot to thank him for, as he has taught me what I really do want and need from a loving relationship. Trust me eddie, if this guy didn't want me for who I am and what I believe, he'd leave me. God knows I'm looking for something that's really out there, but I don't care about that. I do not consider myself to be insecure, in fact, I haven't felt this secure in a long time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, well I have decided to completely stick to my guns. I am looking for something far different from the norm in my relationship- from what we're taught to think is OK by today's standards, and that is that I expect my relationship to be exclusive. I am in love. I am giving this person myself, my body, my love- and refuse to let it be taken for granted. Sex, to me, is the ultimate expression of love. I believe it is possible for a man to also believe this. This does not mean that sex can not be fun, or dirty, or rough- as long as you are with the one you love anything goes. As to the masturbation/porn thing, not all men need or want it. I now know that my question was a stupid one in the first place, because I KNOW it's not too much to ask (of the right kind of person that is). There has been no sign of my boyfriend betraying me or my trust for almost a year now (it was a year ago the incident happened), and he has told me, without my having even mentioning it, that he shares the same beliefs, that he has truly changed his perspective, and that he just didn't know the kind of love I believed in and I needed at the time. If you've a partner who is willing to hear this out and has half a soul, then perhaps things can be changed.
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female
reader, big bird  +, writes (5 August 2007):
 i agree with what you are saying my bf does the same thing but not when were in seperate countries in seperate houses. even if i am away for a couple of hours i no he is doing it and i check the computer and i find it. it hurts me really bad every time. im like you i believe if you are in love then i should be the only person you masterbate over!i dont think we are expecting to much at all! we do not masterbate over other people so why should they. we are willing to show and prove commitment so should they!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2007): hi im an experienced and educated woman who agrees that this woman shoul not try and change someone but is ttally right to look for a man caable f giving her the respect and commitment she desires...simle if he's not man enough to quit the porn then he is just a little boy...so leave him to his hand and lube and find a real man...one ith an ounce of a bain or integrity
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (12 July 2007):
 That is all nice and well intended but it's also unrealistic. You have a vision of love that is based on your youth, not experience. That is not said in a mean way, just with the experience that only time can give you.
He probably cried on the phone because he's angry at himself for being honest enough to tell you the truth. You can bet he won't make that mistake again. I don't blame him, you're acting like the "mind" police. He didn't do anything wrong, beside telling you the truth. What if he masturbated with the thought of another woman in his head? What if he was thinking about your hot cousin? What if he was thinking about the lady who works at the bank? None of it matters. Masturbation is a game for one, not for one and somebody else's rules. When he puts his hand on his penis and his mind where ever......DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. It's not about you. It's about him. It's better to see some stranger in a magazine than someone he can actually have contact with like a woman in a night club. You're obsessing about something that is really none of your business.
Don't ever imagine that dreams, fantasies and desires will only revolve around you in your boyfriends mind. His ACTIONS and LOVE will be yours, not his inner thoughts that you've shamed him about. I think you're perhaps a little insecure. That doesn't make you bad, just something you should work on. Also you talk about the relationship as "we" don't this or that. I may be wrong but I sense that you're not speaking for two people as often as you might hope.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to clarify, I have absolutely no problem with him masturbating, and don't need to know when he does it at all. It's only when he would need or want to look at other naked women that bothers me. I know men are visual, and I'm doing all I can so that he can be looking at my naked body this time around. I know this sounds unreal butI am being totally honest when I say that I basically only think of him when I masturbate. I love him, and am that attracted to him. He told me that the 'aid'was only used as stimulation,that most guys don't think about their girlfriends when getting off, but that it almost scared him how often he thought of me. I know he is very in love and misses me very much, he has even cried about it on the phone. We lived together last year and had a great sex life, and there was absolutely no porn in the flat because we didn't need or want it. I know we're far apart now, and that changes things, but I still expect commitment. If I'm not using anything to get off, then I don't think he should either. I don't care about societies twisted view of how things should be for men and women, I believe in love that can be real. I have been %100 devoted to this person, and that's what I want in return.
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male
reader, Marcellas +, writes (12 July 2007):
this question helps me see and maybe understand some things...... soooo interesting......... the flip side of the coin is us men agonizing over our wife's past. Biggest advice to us? "Get over it!" and from this question it seems women have this thing about their men looking at other women, nude or otherwise, and it's a valid concern. Men, on the other hand, seem disturbed by their woman's past, and all the fun she had squirming for other guys..... yes, it's all quite graphic and visceral in reality... sooo, here is their nighmare: that we look and desire other females sexually, and sametime/meanwhile, we are speculating and wondering and trying to get the details of all the ways she gave it away so freely, while she cloaks and schmoozes about it all (and she enjoyed it, make no mistake, accept that and you'll be ahead) What I dont get is how can women, after giving the p*zzy away, and letting other guys have her, have a problem when Harold looks at another chick, the same way she let other guys look at her? If I was cruel (like what men get told) I'd just say that's the way it is, "Get over it" and "Oh, they dont mean a thing, I'm all yours HONEY" mixed bag, aint it?
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (12 July 2007):
I'll be blunt. Get a grip on yourself !!!! You'd probably have a break down if you knew what else he was thinking while masturbating. Men have a mental Rolodex of past or even potential lovers to choose from.
Listen to your own words..."Yes of course I know it's normal"...stop there !!!! You're out of line. If this is the type of control you want or expect, he's in for a long bumpy road.
You said he never did this while you were together. Hmmm ??? How do you know ? You don't. And, if you run such a tight ship that you "need" to know when your boyfriend pleasures himself, that is unfortunate.
Examine why you need such control.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2007): No it isn't too much to expect of him in my opinion. I'm male and used to masturbate to pics of naked women when i was single but gave it up completely after I became committed so I know that it is possible. Hope this helps =)
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2007): And she lived on the sunny side of the mountain, and he lived on the shaddy side of the hill. They never met they never will. Now that pretty well sums up men and women not only in their relationships but also in their sexuality. You are deeply concerned about your bf, who looks at Porn and Masturbates. Good for him, as long as he is also taking care of your sexual needs. I don't see as you should be complaining. Bet he doesn't complain about your ongoing Mastubation, as most women do that in public or in their own bedrooms.As for naked women, How do most men see women even when they are fully dressed? NAKED! NAKED! It's just a part of a man's biological make-up. I would wonder how you feel about that fantacy Porn in your mind while masturbating or even while you are making love to your bf is really any different than him watching porn and masturbating. Please do learn to communicate.
PS, Why not also Masturbate together, it's a great sexual learning tool. Also I'm sure that your live body beats the Hell out those porn ladies. Hell! yes. You are expecting too much Why should you be setting a double standard. You Masturbate, No Doubt, but for him it's a No! No!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2007): It absolutely is not too much to expect..until more women start asking the same men will continue their abusive and degrading use of porn...stick to your guns believe me there are plenty of hit men out there who wouldnt dream of using this crap...and their not gay
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female
reader, flyingskirt +, writes (12 July 2007):
yes, it's expecting too much. you know, there are worse things he could be doing. asking him to stop beating off to porn is repressive and is the gateway to him doing that behind your back and could/will move on to him doing other things.do you want to be one of those wives shocked to learn her husband has replaced the insulation in the walls with porn and sees prostitutes while she's away visiting her mother??? you are totally on that path.
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male
reader, ombiance  +, writes (12 July 2007):
to be honest with you, thats kind of psyco. fair enough its how you feel but to tell him he cant even look at a mag is a bit over the top. although its good that you do all the other stuff for him like send photos of yourself and what not. try camming with him too hell like that. as for the porn and stuff dont let it get to you. you gotta take the good with the bad. i dont think you'll ever find a guy that doesnt have some sort of porn video or mag. anyhow my point is if you love him and trust him than how he gets off when your not around is ideal to be kept to mags and videos as opposed to the real thing.
hope i wasnt too brutal with this but its my honest opinin
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2007): Men are very visual and it never bothered me that my guy would get off on naked women. Particularly if you are not physically available, I wouldn`t take it personally. Better they get off on porn than a live woman! In my old age....I would rather he get off on porn than grope and bruise me with his big fat abusive body!
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