A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I am an Arabic female who escaped from my Muslim Arabic country in the look for freedom, I escaped by my self and it was not easy (I got publishing companies asking me to write my story to be published) I escaped when I was 20 years old, with no money and no one to care for me and I didn't know anyone, life was hard but I managed to prove my self after moving to a European country I got my self a decent job and I became a workaholic just to provide for my self without the need for anyone (I am pretty good looking and guys want to eat me flesh and throw me bones because I was poor and got no one to have my back) I was able to create a lovely life for my self, got a car and a nice apt and enough money to never need anyone, I am not rich I still go through my life struggling but I just made this rule to never ask anyone for any thing.. after I was free of worrying about my basic needs I started dating, I dated non-Muslims Europeans (I am not religious therefore did not care or judge people on their believes rather their personalities).. As an Arab my self I tried to stay away from the Arabic society as they hate me for being a bad example of Arabic females and they hate the way I think, dress and socialize with non Muslims, every Arab here think I need to go back to Islam way, cover up and stop hanging out with foreigners.. This is total BS for me my mind does not accept this and I didnt listen to them so lots of them started speaking bad about me, sooo many things that are not true, like I go clubbing take heroin and have sex with strangers and that I have HIV and that I am a bad bad person etc.. the things they say I didn't care about before as I thought the more they talk about me the more it proves I am smarter and better than them as my life that I made with no help from no one is simply much better and much civilized.. also they ALL ((the ones I came across) tried hard to get into my pants and couldnt (not because they are bad but because they are not my type, have no respect for me and I am not bothered being with people this way) but how dare me go out with European and dont go out with them.Last month I met an Arabic man, so different, he is brilliant, sweet, lovable, he talks to me without eating me with his eyes like the others and without saying it he have much respect for me and for the life I choose for my self, I told him that he should not hang out with me because I am hated between the Arabs here that he will hear things he does not wanna hear and it will never work because they all stronger than us to work us out, he said I don't care about them I want you and we started dating but every single day he come to me and tell me this said this that said this and it is never ending, like today he called me telling me that one of his good friends is advising him to stay away from me because I have HIV and I am sick !! and everyday he hear things like this !How can they know I have HIV if they never had sex with me, and please note that I am not into one night stands or flings and I am very protective of my self and I am paranoid I go through complete health check every 6 months.. Point is I don't even have bacteria let alone a serious disease .Today I told him to forget about me and to not try to contact me again, I can not be going through this everyday it started to make me feel like I am an after dark girl and that I am a bad person, it effected my self-esteem and if I am an open minded person to let it go he still an average Arab who will consider what his friends say if not today will be tomorrow and I do not want to be someone's mistake ..How can I sort this situation out.. what can I do, I am tired, I had no peace back at home for being different and I have no peace right here because of the brain washed Arabic mentality chasing me..I do not know if there is a question here I know I needed to hear the views of others maybe there is something I can not see you can point out.Thank you Ruby
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, tenjeeuk  +, writes (23 August 2014):
Sometimes, and I see this with people who go the way too (westernised wide boy to ultra puritan religious) they hate what they come from so much, they lose sight of the positives. Since at this in your life you do not care about deen, Allah, Rasul-Allah (SAW), and see nothing in it for you, if you pursue this Arab guy there is the chance that he might care, or change to that which you hate, i.e. if he does not have the same feelings towards his religion as you, there is a chance he will turn religious.
A
female
reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (21 June 2012):
 It is hard to be different. Even in our country, if you are different/have a different opinion/view you are sometimes bullied and harrassed. It just depends on who surrounds you. It is also sometimes lonely to be different, but if you believe in yourself and your dreams, you will find the courage to keep going. I think your story is very inspiring. Don't give up on yourself as you have a terrific future ahead of you! If you have time, maybe join some groups in your community you would enjoy. That would help you meet some new people who accept you for who you are.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 June 2012):
 Cyprus is a lovely place ( not sure how it is to live there full time though, only spend a couple of summers there - Greek side)
I think you did the right thing in ending it. If he rather trust gossip from so called "friends" then sit down and talk to you, he isn't worthy of you.
I hope you find peace & happiness.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (20 June 2012):
 hi
Well i am glad it is Cyprus.
Southern Cyprus still has pain from the split in the country. But is infinitely more free than some neighboring countries.
Though you will still get gossip in any small community.
To better fit in have you learned the Greek language? Your English is perfect. So I imagine you have received a good education in your birth country?
The reason I have said that is because in some countries the women are not encouraged to learn such things.
Just beware that Greek Moms will be similarly unimpressed with their sons if the sons showed a preference for a non-Greek girl
Maybe your better strategy would be to work towards mixing with groups who are less rigid in their views
Are there places in Southern Cyprus where more culturally diverse and tolerant groups of people, in your age group or a little older, socialize? What
Community group/s could you join. And build good working relationships with these people?
regards
Abella
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (20 June 2012):
 You seem to have great confidence in who u r. This is great. Ur personal boundary has a hole in that u get rattled by what others think. Can u co.tact police n file harassment complaints?! Can u move to a different part of the city to avoid these ppl?! Stick with ur guy two strong minds r better tgan one. Ignore these ppl they r assholes n want to make u angry. Ignore them. Ill make duaa for u sweets. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2012): NoteThanks Abella and BondGiel72 for answering me, I do not know how to add this note to the question so I will add it in the answer (I am who posted this question)Just to clarify Cyprus is the country I moved to (south of Cyprus is a European country) not my original country, I come from one of the troubled 3rd world Arabic country (I do not wanna mention it as I already said my name and my country too might help being found on google by either relatives or people who know me) I wish if I was from North of Cyprus or Turkey at least they are liberal Muslims but I am from a Sonni Muslim country very strict.I gone through so many things that looking back I feel like it was someone else who had the strength to do so, I was proud of my self but now (for a while) i feel lonely because I can not fit, Muslims treat me badly and non Muslims treat me like an exotic thing rtather than a person :(I am so afraid this is the end of the road I choose-d to walk !I will stick to my decision to leave this Arabic man, actually it is over I made it clear to him earlier on and I explained my reasons ..I wish if Karma is really true, and all them people try the pain I have because of them.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (20 June 2012):
First I am very sorry that people are gossiping about you. And saying lies about you. It is not a nice way to live amongst people who can spread such vicious lies such as those you mentioned, namely: "sooo many things that are not true, like I go clubbing take heroin and have sex with strangers and that I have HIV and that I am a bad bad person etc"
I noticed that your flag is the flag of Cyprus. But you mention that now you have moved to a European country.
Therefore it would appear that your original country was Cyprus.
You cannot fight everyone and the more you even try to defend yourself the more dirt will stick.
You know the gossip is not true.
However you have rejected some aspects that might bother some people. For instance you sad: "I dated non-Muslims Europeans (I am not religious therefore did not care or judge people on their believes rather their personalities).. As an Arab my self I tried to stay away from the Arabic society as they hate me for being a bad example of Arabic females and they hate the way I think, dress and socialize with non Muslims, every Arab here think I need to go back to Islam way, cover up and stop hanging out with foreigners"
You have said that you reject so much (of the Norms of society) in the Muslim world in perhaps the Turkish side of Cyprus that I suspect even the Christian world in Greek side of Cyrpus would result in your own actings tending to challenge the people you meet.
You mention that they "hate the way you dress and socialize with non-Muslim guys".
Well that is your business and it appear that you are coming into too much contact with the very people you said you are choosing to avoid.
It is true that both the people in the Turkish -Muslim part of Cyprus and the people in the Greek Christian side of Cyprus might just find you 'different' and that is why the gossipers are into over-drive, if you appear to act or behave in ways that are different to how most of the people behave.
First I would suggest that you get a nicer set of acquaintances. These people are not friends. They make
your life worse, not better. At the moment they are hardly even acquaintances. There are better people than this in the world.
Based on what I have been told and read I would regard Cyprus as one of the more liberal societies where women, Christian and Muslim alike, have been mobilizing for a long time and as this article demonstrates, they are succeeding, especially in the education of women in Cyprus.
http://brahms.emu.edu.tr/bmertan/Papers%2009-/Cypriot%20feminism.pdf
Men will also act attentive and interested when a woman is twenty something and very attractive.
Men will be less interested in you when you are no longer a nubile attractive lady in her 20s.
This guy may be interested in your now. But in time he may only be there to charm you short term. If he will listen to his friends over trust his judgement then he is not for you. I think you did the right thing by rejecting him.
If your self esteem had been badly affected by all this have you considered going back to University part time and building your skills even further so that you are better prepared to face the future?
Try not to allow yourself to get drawn into abusive relationship and try to walk away from abusive (gossiping) people. Because such people are people poisoners. They do not want to see your succeed.
And rather than only focusing on hedonistic activities think about how you can get involved in more worthy endeavors like volunteering to help a charity or to helps others less favoured than yourself. Walk away from nasty people before they have a chance to sink their poison into you.
I realise that some nearby countries are not as liberal as Cyprus. Hence this advice, from the US Passport Service Guide - for women travelling to Iran after marrying a man from Iran:
“Is it true that if a woman marries an Iranian man, the wife is automatically an Iranian citizen?
Yes.
If you are not Iranian and marry an Iranian man, you automatically become an Iranian citizen. If the marriage occurs in Iran, your national passport will be taken from you.
If you divorce or your husband dies, you can renounce your citizenship but your children will be unable to do so. - US Passport Service Guide"
Good luck with a opportunity to write a story about your journey. But since Publishers have been burned by several stories that have since proved to be fake, expect a good publisher to grill you mercilessly.
Examples like the book by Norma Khouri called Forbidden Love - a story of an escape journey that turned out to ne a fake story - have cost publishers their reputations and big money when a budding author has proved to have duped the publisher. So they are more wary now.
You have escaped from a place with a sense of a lack of freedom. But how will you feel about going back to that world where there are strict rules about how a women can behave in public?
Because you know he will want to go back. Will be to Cyprus or to another nearby country?
Cyprus is indeed still divided. But I gues much of this would be familiar to, though it certainly shows that there is still much that saddens the people in all parts of Cyprus. youhttp://csc.ceceurope.org/fileadmin/filer/csc/Human_Rights/Human_Rights_Library/holysitescyprus.pdf
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (20 June 2012):
I congratulate you on getting your story published and finding freedom. It sounds like you are a very hard and conscientious worker and making a way for yourself in the world. It makes sense other would treat you like this as you are probably seen as a deserter to them, but I really admire you for putting their negative words and treatment aside and being positive. I think if your Arabic man really enjoys the time he spends with you and wants to be with you, he will find a way. However, I think you should consider if you did get into a long-term relationship with him, whether you could live with the treatment of his friends on daily basis. Does your guy have this "brain-washed Arabic mentality"? If so, it may be difficult for the you as a couple. He is of one mind and you are of another. Even people here have different religious beliefs that cause problems between them. For example, imagine if you would have children with this man...how would you raise them? In the traditional Muslim faith or with a more open-minded view of people, their religious beliefs, and values? I would have a serious talk with him and tell him that if he is going to believe his friends over you, there is probably not much hope of you continuing your relationship. Otherwise, this will be never-ending for you and you will not be happy. You have worked very hard to get your freedom, a career, and a new life. I would hate to see you throw that away. I would like to see you date someone who respects you and who does not hurt you with rumors his friends are spreading just because you do not adhere to traditional Muslim ways anymore
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (20 June 2012):
I congratulate you on getting your story published and finding freedom. It sounds like you are a very hard and conscientious worker and making a way for yourself in the world. It makes sense other would treat you like this as you are probably seen as a deserter to them, but I really admire you for putting their negative words and treatment aside and being positive. I think if your Arabic man really enjoys the time he spends with you and wants to be with you, he will find a way. However, I think you should consider if you did get into a long-term relationship with him, whether you could live with the treatment of his friends on daily basis. Does your guy have this "brain-washed Arabic mentality"? If so, it may be difficult for the you as a couple. He is of one mind and you are of another. Even people here have different religious beliefs that cause problems between them. For example, imagine if you would have children with this man...how would you raise them? In the traditional Muslim faith or with a more open-minded view of people, their religious beliefs, and values? I would have a serious talk with him and tell him that if he is going to believe his friends over you, there is probably not much hope of you continuing your relationship. Otherwise, this will be never-ending for you and you will not be happy. You have worked very hard to get your freedom, a career, and a new life. I would hate to see you throw that away. I would like to see you date someone who respects you and who does not hurt you with rumors his friends are spreading just because you do not adhere to traditional Muslim ways anymore
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