A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I broke up with my girlfriend about a month ago. The reason for it was that she was a virgin and did not feel ready for sex. At first I did not think this was a problem but after four months I was starting to get frustrated, although I did not show it. Eventually one night we just sat down, spoke to each other honestly and she told me that she wasn't ready for sex and that she felt pressured by me (I never intended to make her feel that way, and I told her repeatedly if I made her uncomfortable to tell me to stop and I would). I told her if we couldn't move forward in the relationship then we should end it so we did. Trouble is, I feel I was too impatient and I ended it for a pretty shallow reason--no sex. I feel guilty and stupid. we have spoken since the break up wasn't acrimonious or anything, but I feel like such an idiot, impatient and shallow. Perhaps the relationship could have been more? Was I right to end it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2013): To be blunt, I think you should have stayed with her if you loved her, and not engaged in the whole "playing chicken" game 'round the bases. To add to what some of our other lady posters have said, as a 25-year-old virgin, horny as I was, I would have frozen in terror and discomfort, afraid to make my man mad by saying "stop," but not enjoying what was going on because I didn't feel truly respected. Granted, when I met my man, we were only dating for a month before I gave it to him, but the pressuring was slightly reversed in our case. HE was looking out for ME...one night we were over at his house making out, and when things started to get a little heavier, he was the one that stopped. He said he knew it wasn't the right time for me. He was right, but you know what that kind of restraint on his part did? Shot my trust levels sky-high, and ironically made me want him THAT much more. This little anecdote shared with you so perhaps you could see the contrast...virginity is something even sexual ladies take very seriously, and it's not that your girlfriend wasn't going to move forward with it. She may have been on the verge when you broke up with her. She may have delayed it LONGER because of that stupid "say stop and I'll stop" idea, because that doesn't build trust. Instead, it makes her feel like you just want yours, and you'll get everything you can, but you won't rape her. Nice, dude. Real nice. Granted, I wasn't in your bedroom, so you could have been conducting all this with real tenderness and care. Suppose all we anonymous advice-givers will never know. You know, however. Whether you were right to end it depends upon your true feelings for her. Did you love her? Could you see yourself loving her? Was this the only reason it wasn't amazing? If you answer "yes" to any of these questions, you were definitely not right to end it. If she was "just another girlfriend," though, go find one of the same who's ready to be sexual with you right away.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2013): I agree with the posters who said that if everytime you were with yet you would push her until she said stop, that is a lot of pressure Even if you did stop. I have been in her position and it builds io resentment. It makes her dread being with you because she knows it is going to get uncomfortable and also that you know when she said stop the last time so why don't you just stay away from that point on your own his time instead of being once again going until she has to once again say stop. She should not have had to say stop more than once. That's pretty selfish as it is trying to get from her as much as you can.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (2 August 2013):
 Heh, TasteofIndia, excellent story! I wasn't going to say it in this guy's post, but for me, the shoe was on the other foot. I was the one who waited for my boyfriend, who said he didn't want to lose his virginity until marriage. Even did some sort of promise ceremony long before I met him. I waited...let's just say 4 months is a simple blink of an eye compared to how long I did. I took matters into my own hands, if you know what I mean!
Trust me, we've made up for the time and then some! in a month, we celebrate 15 years. :)
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (2 August 2013):
 Story time!
My fella was kind of a man-whore in his day. Most of his relationships didn't last for more than 4-5 weeks at the most. He'd pretty much have fun dating them, get his and then he'd move on. But, when he started dating me (I was 19, he 23) - I wasn't like the other girls he had dated/slept with, and I was not about to put out that easily. One month wasn't nearly enough time for me to give him a virginity that I had been holding onto for 19 years. And so, there was a lot of 1st base, maybe a hint of 2nd.
Long after the fact, he told me that one day he decided to break up with me - for the same reason you broke up with your girlfriend. Because he didn't feel like I was ever going to be ready for sex (or at least, not soon enough), and without the sex... what was the point of a relationship?
But then he came over and we ended up having a great time, playing games, making dinner, making out. That's when he decided not to break up with me after all and stick it out.
We ended up finally having sex after about 4-5 months.
And 8 years later as I type to you, I'm married to him and am 6 months pregnant with our first kid.
I actually think that that day was the pivotal moment in our relationship. That's when he decided that he liked me enough to wait for me to be ready. I suppose you could say, that was the day that he decided that I was worth the wait - and apparently I was.
LIke the other posters have said, you ARE putting pressure on her every time that you rely on her to say no. She's said she's not ready, so don't push the boundaries every time. Do you really want to have sex with her because you have pestered her into it? Do you really want to take her virginity because she's "giving in"? If you really like her, if you care for her, then your answers should be no. I would hope you would want her to sleep with you because she feels ready, comfortable and she's excited to share the intimacy with you.
And also like the other posters said, you were right to break up with her and not stay with her for the sake of conquest. She should wait for somebody who is happy to wait for her. And you should be with someone more on your own wavelength. I'm not sure if there is a second chance waiting for you with this girl, but don't just go back to her and give it a try out of guilt! Only if you genuinely want to be with HER.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, SilverVintage +, writes (2 August 2013):
 Yeah, that was pretty shallow. In a females mind, moving forward mean her letting you in emotionally & trusting you. Take it as a lesson learned. If you meet another girl that's a virgin and you have feelings for her, you can choose to be patient & become celibate or break it off because that not want you want.
4 month is not a long time at all and to be honest, it is pressure on her when you can't wait & get upset when she isn't ready. You ended on your terms, its not right or wrong, its just how you feel. However, you made the bed, now lay in it. Rejection is hard for anyone to take, its harder when its over something a small(yes small)as sex... I think you should maybe apologize to her IF the opportunity arrives but mention nothing of getting back together or things like that. Chances are she has already figured you out. I'm not bashing or trying to make you feel bad or anything, its just the truth. She probably feels like you thought she was easy & once you got what you wanted, you's do away with her.
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A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (2 August 2013):
 I think you made the right decision. Now she can find someone who is a little more patient with her reservations, and you can find someone who is ready to get intimate as soon as you are. Sounds like a win for both of you, as far as I can tell.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 August 2013):
You said this:
"I never intended to make her feel that way, and I told her repeatedly if I made her uncomfortable to tell me to stop and I would"
Be honest. How many times did she tell you to stop?? It *is* pressuring her if every time you dated, you tried to see how far you could get before she said stop.
4 months and she was a virgin isn't a long time. To a woman, what "moving forward" is is getting closer emotionally. To a guy with sex on the brain, "moving forward" is sex.
If you wanted to use her for sex, then you made the right decision, because many virgins take time and want to make sure you're "the one", which 4 months is not enough time.
If you had feelings for her and were serious with wanting her in your life on a permanent basis, then you just made the absolute worst decision of your entire life, because not only did you torch the relationship, you made yourself look like a user of women, making her feel rejected because she wasn't a proper penis-holder for you.
I know guys have needs, but you were really impatient. It *is* pressuring if every time you got physical, it ended with her telling you to stop. Even when you did stop, the fact that you pushed to the point where she had to say something IS pressure.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (2 August 2013):
I agree sex is an important part of a relationship. There is nothing like intimacy. Intimacy is more than sex. It is a deep relationship of understanding one and other. It starts with the mind. The affection of loving someone with your whole body and soul. She wanted to "give" herself to a worthy companion. Your lack of patience and restlessness MAY of cost you the best thing that could of ever happened to you!
I do think this girl will be an awesome catch for someone.
Don't feel guilty or stupid. She was not for you. Move on. Learn from this lesson. Some gifts come in different packages. This was not your gift to receive.
Good Luck Friend.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 August 2013):
 Perhaps the relationship could have been more, you will never know, so why go around regretting that you ended it?
Instead LEARN from this. If a girl isn't ready and YOU can't wait, you have two choices, wait or end it.
And honestly, a relationship CAN move forward without sex - specially when it's only 4 months into it. YOU just figured that YOU shouldn't have to wait for sex... and that she should cave and have sex. Be honest.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2013): Sometimes going back twice is a mistake ..... and sometimes it takes a wise man to realise what an idiot he was for letting something so good go in the first place. I think you need talk to her. See where she stands on the matter. Think about what you liked about the relationship. What makes it worth a second shot etc
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