A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I had an affair that was emotional for years and then physical for months. I ended it pretty quickly knowing how wrong it was - even leaving my job to get away from him all together. For the past couple of years he has continued to reach out, which I have just ignored. I finally feel like I have moved on and his outreach attempts seemed to have stopped, so I assumed it was finally truly over. Then he text me. I decided to answer to be a bit more blunt that I have moved on in my life. Connecting though opened the door for him to say things that now have me confused. He finally owned up to some of the bad ways he treated me (it got ugly in the end, not because we were found out but because of our work relationship). And he’s asked that we be friends. It is the friendship that we both miss the most - but I do realize that was the impetus for everything else. I guess I just don’t understand what he’s doing even trying to keep me in his life. Like why be friends? We are both still married to our spouses so I feel like he is just grasping at whatever small piece of me he can have. He says he cares about me, so he wants to know how things are going. I guess I know the answer that I can’t go down even a friendship path with him, I’m just trying to understand why / how he can.
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male
reader, Kofcalifornia +, writes (11 November 2021):
He wants to continue to bang from time to time. Cut him off or leave your husband.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2021): I'm that guy somewhere else. My former lover was in a bad marriage and reached out to a very willing me for bedroom play. She got a divorce and no longer wanted married FWB. But we're still friends. She knows she won't go back with me -- you don't. You should see a relationship councilor to sort this out before you're in round 2 with this guy.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (8 November 2021):
 You were lucky to have kept your marriage when you got found out the first time around. Affairs are based on lies, and deviousness, and sneaking around.
He wants more than just friendship which i think you already know. Your mistake was replying to his text, now he has wormed his way in and got you thinking. In essence by chatting to him again you are going behind your husbands back once again. This guy wants nothing more than to start up the affair again, only next time you may not be so lucky once you get found out again.
I would advise blocking him and moving on, nothing good will come out of keeping him in your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2021): Assuming you wish to remain married to your husband, tell the guy in no uncertain terms that the relationship ended and that you cannot be friends, then block his number on all channels (phone, email, etc).
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 November 2021):
 Tell him in no uncertain terms that you want no FURTHER contact or you will tell his spouse (if he is still with her) and then BLOCK his number and possibly change your number.
I think he is hoping for a repeat, not friendship. Someone to keep him sexually entertained. This isn't about love. He is just probing to see if you are ripe to play along. You know you can't be friends, EVER. Shut it down. Be the "grown-up" here. It isn't realistic to try and be friends,
His "apology" is to butter you up. Make no mistake. He isn't happy with his wife, but he isn't going to leave her either. Misery wants company.
Be firm. CUT all access both ways.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (6 November 2021):
 You say you have moved on, yet you still allow him access to you. Why? Why did you not block him from contacting you when the affair was over, especially given how badly he then treated you?
Perhaps you should ask your husband what he thinks about you being friends with a guy with whom you had an affair? And perhaps your ex lover should ask his wife the same question?
Draw a line under this mess once and for all and stop allowing him to "reach out" to you. The affair is not over until you do that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2021): He can because he is an optimist.He thinks that if he can convince you to start a "friendship " again, from there it will be super easy, then, to convince you to give him casual sex on his request.
It's up to you to show him that he is being too optimistic and you do not need or desire any relationship with him, including a "friendship ".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2021): I am one of the rare mistresses who ended up with her married man. We had an affair for about 8 years. He left his wife for me. We have now been together for almost a year. We have had a hard road, are in therapy, trying to repair all the baggage we had because our relationship started with deceit and mistrust. We truly do LOVE each other and every day is more and more hopeful. And we are HAPPY despite the challenges. We have come A VERY LONG WAY. We have grown, so much in fact that we do not recognize the people we were when the affair began and carried on for years. I am now learning to trust him and have faith in him. Once a cheater is not always a cheater. People sometimes marry the wrong person or that relationship does not work out. People can and do change. It starts with self awareness and doing the work to better yourself and recognize what led you down that path to begin with. We are both working on ourselves and our relationship has benefitted tremendously.
I was single at the time. I had no husband. In fact, once I had feelings for this man, I left my husband promptly. There was no promise of a future with the married man I became involved with but I knew that in order to have deep feelings and/or sexual attraction of that magnitude to another man, it meant my marriage was over in my mind/heart. I did not want to hurt my husband by cheating behind his back. But I did hurt him honestly. I let him go. I could not deceive him that way. It would be impossible for me to have sex or an emotional bond with two men at once. It was not fair to my husband. I know it sounds hypocritical since I was not so kind or thoughtful to my lover's wife. But men are especially hurt by physical infidelity. It makes them feel like less of a man and hurts them far deeper than you can ever imagine.
I feel sorry for your husband. I just cannot understand how you could bring yourself to do that to him for all this time. You do not have an intimate relationship with his wife or truly know her. You also do not have a commitment to her. He does. How could you do this to your husband? The man you have made a commitment to and have shared a life with? I am not trying to be judgmental but I am just trying to get you to THINK.
You have been living in the fantasy of the affair for all these years. Longing for each other. What you cannot have. The promise of a fairytale ending. But that is not real. That is not sustainable. But your husband IS real. So is his wife. You are both married to other people and have a life with these people, not each other. I suggest you get therapy. Both by yourself and with your husband if you want to save this marriage. If you really love your husband, then keep going no contact. I fear this man is unhappy in his marriage for whatever reason (has he told you why?) and when he needs a distraction, he comes back to you because he knows he can. Has this man ever talked to his wife? Given her a chance to fix what might be wrong in their relationship? Has this man worked on himself to become a BETTER man for his family rather than escaping with you, and putting a band aid on all his problems? As long as you are in the picture, he will keep sitting on the fence, never knowing what he truly wants, while having the best of both worlds. Do you want to be his yo yo? Do you want him to come to you only when he is bored or needs a fantasy or escape? Do you want a man who is so weak, so uncertain, who bounces between women? What kind of a real life partner would he be and would you ever trust this man? Is this really LOVE? Does he really LOVE YOU? What needs to happen is for you to tell him that he needs to leave his wife for you if he is serious about spending his life with you. He needs to be separated for at least a year or fully divorced. But do you want to leave your husband to be with him? Just realize careful what you wish for is not just a phrase, it is real and it changes everything. You will have a man who cheated and you will wonder if he will cheat on you. It is not an easy road. Thankfully my boyfriend was in a marriage that was not happy. He realized it through therapy. He is changed. He truly is. But your situation is definitely uncertain. You would be throwing away the life you know for uncertainty. How well do you know this man? How does he function in everyday, REAL life? Is he someone you can count on, feel stable with or is he just a grown child who wants his cake and eat it? Lots to think about. You may even love him, but does he love you the SAME way? You don't want to leave your husband to something that will fizzle in the light of day when it is no longer an affair. Perhaps you need to decide if you want to be alone for awhile if you no longer love your husband. Life is too short to be indecisive and sit on the fence, being afraid of change. I do feel therapy would benefit you. That would the the first step if I were you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2021): I definitely agree with Wise owle
Lose contacts with him,
thats the only PROBLEM here,perhapsyou still love him?
SIMPLE
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2021): Please don't pretend like you don't know why. Why should you even care?
You don't become friends with the guy you cheated on your husband with. Maybe you can consider it, after you and your husband decide to divorce.
A pretentious-friendship is just an excuse, and continuation of the affair; while keeping temptation at your doorstep. All in your husband's face; under the guise of just "being friends."
I'm assuming your affair was a secret, and your husband didn't know about it. If he didn't, it would be such betrayal to even consider keeping in touch with the guy you were with behind his back.
Wish him well, and tell him to get lost! I don't see any reason for any confusion or a lot of contemplation about it. Unless you're getting all heated-up for him again? You, me, and everybody reading your post knows this is nothing but bad-news.
If you're over him, you won't have any problem telling him to go to hell; and blocking him from contact.
He's the guy you cheated on your husband with. Seems you'd want to put it all behind you; and have nothing ever to do with him. Tell him to lose your number! That is, if you love your husband; and want to atone for cheating on him behind his back. You got a second-chance to save your marriage. Don't screw it up!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2021): He is unhappily married and bored so anything that comes from you to him is a bonus. If you were silly enough to get back to sex of any sort he would gladly take that too, but to say he wants friendship sounds more respectable and acceptable, the rest he will hope for without mentioning - right now.He sees himself getting older, his life is slipping away, he wants to feel he has some sort of secret, some sort of passion, someone who cares about him deeply out there.What can he lose by it? Nothing. But he can gain a great deal.From your point of view you ought to ask yourself why you had the affair in the first place rather than separate and get a divorce. It's sleazy and problematic to have a marriage and a secret affair at the same time and it's unfair on those around you. Very often someone ends up very hurt or used to pay for your fun. It can be a very selfish process and some very immature people do it without thinking about consequences for themselves or others, or looking at how there are better and fairer alternatives.Hence he comes to you. He hopes you are also bored. He hopes you also see your life slip away. He knows that if he approaches some single woman she will spit in his eye and maybe worse, he knows that if he tries it on with another married one she will probably say he is too old or not her type or she prefers single men or being faithful. So you are an easier and better bet in many ways. That does not mean that he cares about you.Look at the bad behaviour he showed in the past. Nobody treats someone badly if they care. I am sorry I was nasty to you before does not cut it. It shows they did not care and there is no way they care more now, they regret their behaviour because it sounds good to say sorry, but they would do it again if they could get away with it.
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