A
female
age
36-40,
*ae22
writes: When me and my bf first met the issue of porn had come up jokingly and we both confessed that we had watched it and he told me that he had absolutly no desire to watch it at all anymore because he was over the teen phase. this had shocked me because i thought all guys watched it somtimes and i told him that if he was watching it i would like him to be open with me about it and we could perhaps watch it together.A few months ago (years after that conversation)i caught him, he told me it was a one off thing and i believed him and again offered to watch some with him and asked him not to lie about it,lying and secrets is what really upsets me. Last night i opened up a file on the computer that showed records of him watching it around 3 times a week, his lying really upset me. When i saw what he had been watching i realised it was very violent and unconventional. he told me that it also scared him and thats why he didnt tell me, he felt ashamed. i have a pretty open mind when it comes to sex and i also dont have a problem with porn- this is just too much, and the fact that he has been lying about his problem for so long has hurt me incrediblly!! Help!
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female
reader, clobear  +, writes (13 April 2008):
 i know what your going through and i know how you muct be feeling, ive been with my boyfriend for a while now, and he hides things, only its not porn (drugs) but he doesnt any more, and it wasnt the drugs that bothered me, it was the fact he couldnt be open and tell me the truth, just tell him you dont care about the porn but why lie to you. if he trusts you and loves you he should be open with you like my b/f is now.
best thing to do is be honest with him and hopefully he will be honest back.
good luck, luv chloe x x x
A
female
reader, Sherree  +, writes (12 April 2008):
I've been dating my bf for 3 years. I'm open minded like you, porn doesn't offend me or scare me but when I saw a few days ago that he had been hiding some real sick porn sites from me it wasn't the porn it was the hiding it. When you love someone and you hide things from them you loose their trust, I'm older (44) been through stuff, kids, marriage, alcholism, I just want to love someone and I want them to love me back trusting me enough not to hide things from me. This has caused so many thoughts, am I not good enough? I read a colum earlier that helped me, when they do this and have done it for so long they have trouble having sex (erection), older guys, especially ones that drink and smoke (whatever) have a hard enough time with erection, I'm so confused!
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A
female
reader, rae22 +, writes (11 April 2008):
rae22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys for all your help, you have both made me feel a little bit better about it. It has bee about a week now and i am trying to take it slowly. I have let him know that i am not going to ask him to stop watching it or anything, and that if he feels he has a problem with it he can address it in private and if not then whatever he does can be his own private thing. I am going to try and give it a go because i love him so much and until now would never have thought of leaving him. I feel like i satisfy him in the bedroom, I am satisfied too, and i guess that is all that matters in the end. He says he dosent want that stuff from me or anyone else and views it as some kind of unreal, "wow factor" kind of thing so iguess i will try and leave him to it. if it starts to cause problems between us however, it will be over very quickly. And i hope this is the end of him lying to me. thanks again, hopefully i dont get too many more suprises in our relationship!!!!
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (9 April 2008):
 I agree with most of what lazy guy said. He cant help what turns him on. I dont necessarily believe it means he wants to act on it. I admit I have watched porn and been turned on but never would ever do it. Lesbian porn for example. There are men who are attracted to watching females being forced to have sex. I found a movie on a site with an asain woman being "force fxxxed" and users had rated it 5 out of 5 stars.
Now, I believe not all the men who are attracted to this are going to go out and rape a female. And my ex boyfriend was one of the ones attracted to this type of porn and would not have EVER forced anything on me.. ever. The truth is you cannot help what turns you on. Same with *cringes* horse porn... My sister has watched this, does that mean I think she will have sex with a horse? No.
You have known your boyfriend for many years I think I read. I truly believe he is a good guy who does treat women well. As you said, he hid it quite well from you and despises how those women in Thailand were treated. If you have known him for years and he has never shown any signs of wanting any type of sex such as he watches... I really dont think he would attempt to act it out. Not saying he would be opposed to it, but he wouldnt try it on you.
I feel bad for him. He doesnt want to be attracted to this but cannot help it. He feels ashamed and doesnt want you to be scared. I understand it creeping you out, trust me. Thats the part you will have to decide. I wouldnt worry about him suddenly doing a 180 and attempting to shove a wine bottle inside you, I just dont know if you would be able to accept and move past him watching this. As for the gay thing, Ive heard straight guys very comfortable with their sexuality admitting to watching gay porn. I dont feel it is unnatural because you know he is straight, maybe he is curious or wants to experience it (not with a guy obviously)
In any case, I dont feel that because other guys who watch this type of porn are not guys to date, that your man is one of those. Everyone is different. Like I stated before, I watch lesbian porn but would not ever act on it. He wont act on it and is self concious about it. If you dont think you can get past what he is into, you should leave him. But I wouldnt suggest you leave him on the mere fact you are afraid he may act it out, as he has not expressed any interest in doing so in the years you have known him. Trust your instincts about him. Good luck with everything, keep us updated.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (8 April 2008):
 The question is simple, do you want to end the relationship over this? You can't change his fantasy, you know that, so far, he doesn't act upon this fantasy so perhaps the porn is enough of an outlet of whatever makes him want to watch this stuff.
Part of me wants to simple say that he scares me, that the guys I know who enjoy this type of porn, talk about women as you say as if they were boxes, a collection of holes and crevices, not human beings.
BUT actions count louder then words, if he behaves to women in general, and not just when you are around, in a decent enough manner, then is this worth worrying over?
That he hides the porn, and refused to watch porn with you suggests he is well aware that his desires are not socially acceptable. He knows that he shouldn't behave like that, yet can't stop watching because crying women turn him on.
I hate to condemn another person for what fantasy BUT if I were in your shoes, I would definitly take things slow. People often take a long time in a relationship to show their true colors. Not saying that he will change, but just wait till the initial crush has died down (1.5 years some people claim) before you commit longterm.
The gay porn has me even more torn in two, despite the fact that most men think of anal sex as something to give not receive it is actually the male who is better designed for it since it allows stimulation of the prostate gland (women do not have this, it is sometimes considered the male g-spot). It sounds like he got several desires he feels he got to hide yet can't stop watching. This is made worse by the fact that you gave him an open invitation to watch the porn with him rather then most women who put a blanket ban on all porn.
It gives me the image of a person who thinks what he fantasizes about is wrong but still can't stop. The question then becomes, what is stopping him from acting on it? Does he not perform this on you because he really doesn't want to, or merely because right now, he fears your/societies reaction?
Sadly because of feminist general resentment towards all porn there never been any real studies about how different types of porn affect us. I can only really base my advice on my friends, and the ones who like this type of porn are definitly not the kind I would date if I was a woman, but of course I am not a woman.
In a way, be grateful you found out about his desire this way and not during what you thought was a romantic evening because he brought a magnum of champagne into the bedroom :/
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female
reader, rae22 +, writes (8 April 2008):
rae22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks lazy guy, i think to clarify this i will have to be more specific. yes he is gentle and nice to me and before i found this out he had often told me he thought that kind of stuff was degrading and not a turn on. I remember when we were on holiday in thailand he commented that he found the thai prostitute girls very sad and was angry at the way they are treated by men. this made me assume he had very high morals. when i offered to watch porn with him he also refused and said he didnt like it or find it a turn on.
i think it is also helpful to be specific about what sorts of things he watches- the ones i regarded as 'violent' make up 90% of what he had been viewing- anal sex with very large objects (wine bottles etc), 'anal gapes' (all on women that had to deal with so much inside of them it brought tears to their eyes). It is important to mention here that i am not in the least offended by sexual acts such as blow jobs, i have even tried anal so i would not say that i am a prude at all, but this sort of stuff really seems too much, esp the men in the videos who treat the women like nothing but a box! I also cannot get over the gay porn- he only had a little bit on the computer but enough to freak me out- esp on someone who gets freaked out if i jokingly poke him in that region!i suppose it really scared me that he covered it all up so well as well!
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy +, writes (7 April 2008):
It could be a way in which he vents his feelings towards women (yes, this is a bit scary).
What really matters is how he acts in normal life towards you and other women.
But as tolerant as I want to be towards porn, I would have to say, be cautious, because I know that I only watch the types of porn that I want to see in real life as well. Of course that is ME.
The problem is simple, what you call extreme might be sedate to me or vice versa. There have been several questions as to wether blowjobs were degrading, you might consider this to be so, I would advice you to be less prudish. Then their are "cunt punt" videos, women being kicked in the stomach porn. If he can even manage a hardon with that I would suggest you run like hell.
On the whole, yes, I would say that most men watch porn because they want what they see in real life. They might never act on it, but deep down they got the desire. Up to you to decide wether you want to be with a man who gets turned on by what he was watching.
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A
female
reader, rae22 +, writes (6 April 2008):
rae22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn respose to Lazyguy, yes it seems that it is getting more and more extreame, he admitted that- does this mean that soon he will want me to act like that, or he will turn to women that will. He tells me that he just likes watching it and he doesnt want to do it in real life, but im not sure i can believe that. If he dosent want women like that then how does he get off watching it?
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy +, writes (6 April 2008):
That is one of the issues with porn, it includes everything from sports illustrated swimsuit edition to "two girls and a cup" (do NOT google for this) and that ain't even the worsed of it.
There is a whole line of "destroy that [insert orifice of your choice]" vids out there that not to long ago would have been considered extreme and is now 'mainstream'. No matter how open-minded you think you are, the porn industry can shock you.
Now does it matter? The jury is still out on that one, you could see it as the same discussion as violent computer games, violent video, yes even rock music for us oldies.
Is what you watch who you are OR what you become? Or is entertainment something we can use to explore things we would never do on our own.
Personally I think it is a mixture. Bit of a cowards way out in this ancient debate (those who protested Elvis Presley's hip movements are no different from those protest Grand Theft Auto) but one that for me makes the most sense.
Excessive porn in which women are degraded (no this is not 100% of porn, not even close, maybe only 99.98%!) in my view is only watched by those who have an intrest in it, however well they might conceal it in daily life. Seeing it will make them think it is normal, the de-sensitizing part, and finally, it is still just watching pro's act out a scene, fantasy, not reality.
So should you be worried? It depends, just how extreme is what he watches, does he only watch that and is it getting more extreme? As so often, it is the amount that matters most.
If he only watches degrading porn, then it might well reflect his tastes in real life. Mind you, that is MY opinion, the rest of the world is still debating how our entertainment reflects our personality.
There are flaws in the logic, for instance I like lesbian porn, does that make me a lesbian? Someone who spends every waking moment thinking of women, naked women, having sex with women? Why yes it does! I am a LESBIAN!
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female
reader, rae22 +, writes (6 April 2008):
rae22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou for your thoughts. At first when i found out he was watching it behind my back i was more upset about the fact that he had lied to me rather than the porn itself.
BUT then when i saw the kinds of things he was watching, it made me feel like i don't know who he is or what he is into! does it mean that he wants to do these things with me, or that he is not satisfied by the way we make love. The types of things he has been watching are very degrading toward women- painful acts. there was also some gay porn in there!
Im am really confused, he said he loves me and that he will stop watching it but that does not change the fact that he is into that sort of stuff, it does not solve anything. I dont want to treat him like a child and control what he can watch!
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A
female
reader, rae22 +, writes (6 April 2008):
rae22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou for your thoughts. At first when i found out he was watching it behind my back i was more upset about the fact that he had lied to me rather than the porn itself. BUT then when i saw the kinds of things he was watching, it made me feel like i don't know who he is or what he is into! does it mean that he wants to do these things with me, or that he is not satisfied by the way we make love. The types of things he has been watching are very degrading toward women- painful acts. there was also some gay porn in there! Im am really confused, he said he loves me and that he will stop watching it but that does not change the fact that he is into that sort of stuff, it does not solve anything. I dont want to treat him like a child and control what he can watch!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2008): It was wrong of him to lie, yes. But you do understand why. Like you said, he was ashamed of what he likes to watch. Does the fact that he lied hurt or the what he was watching that affects you the most? If it was what he was watching, you can not blame him for lying, he didn't want to upset you or scare you off. And honestly you cannot help what you enjoy. If it was simply that he was lying, and nothing else, explain to him that it is ok and not weird and not to feel ashamed for what he is interested in, you just wish he hadnt lied to you. Maybe he would feel more open to sharing things he is ashamed of. Accept him and who he is, even if it is different. That doesnt mean you have to be involved in it. Being open about everything makes for a much happier, healthier relationship.
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A
male
reader, LivingLifeLarge  +, writes (6 April 2008):
This is definitely distressful.
But like you said...all guys do pretty much watch porn..well most at least.
But that makes it sound a lot less painful than it really is. Porn still is sort of a taboo issue in many communities, and maybe he just grew up with it not being as open as the way you see it. This could explain why he may have lied about it a few times...maybe it really is too private for him to bring out in the open...even with you.
He's just ashamed...and the porn market is so easy to access and diverse these days on the net that people really do get less shocked nowadays than what most people would usually consider SHOCKING and BIZARRE even two or three years ago.
Anyway, hope this helps...look on the bright side, at least he's not cheating on you.
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