A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend of nine years are in a huge fight. It's to the point where we haven't lived together in over a month. I take complete responsibility. Three years ago I had a emotional affair with someone, no sex. Well three years later he can't get over it. Me and my BF still love each other I just feel like I have one more chance to prove something before he leaves me for good. He is very hard headed and stubborn. Are there any suggestions of what I can do to win him back, not neccesarly fix things right away but just to get him to want to give another try.
View related questions:
affair Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (28 June 2008):
 Hi, This is tough, because I would think that you have apologized until you are blue in the face, so to speak.
It was an emotional affair, not a sexual one. But with women, an emotional attachment is sometimes stronger than a sexual affair. Men can usually have sex, and it means just that, they had sex. Women put a lot of emphasis on the emotional side, that may be why your boyfriend feels so rejected and hurt, maybe? If he has not gotten over this, in three years, then he does not want to get over it, for whatever reason. Maybe he wants to keep punishing you, or maybe he has another adgenda. My thought is that, you talk to him and ask him where the relationship is going, because it is stalled right now, and going nowhere. Ask him if he wants to go forward or not, because you are exasperated and too mentally exhausted to keep going, like you both are going, nowhere, with hurt feelings on his side and tired of feeling guilty on your side, for no reason. If he wants to change, and try to move on, then try to accomplish this, if he does not want to try, then my suggestion would be to leave him, with what he has made into some kind of monumental problem, that he refuses to try to find a solution to. Peace of mind is important, and you are not going to have it with the relationship in this state. Try to talk to him, if he listens then good, if he does not, then travel on, to healthier pastures. Good luck to you. Take care. One other suggestion, if he does not want to listen to you, if you feel the relationship is worth saving, try to see if he will go with you to relationship counseling sessions. Again take care of yourself.
A
female
reader, Susan Strict  +, writes (27 June 2008):
 He's nearly as bad as you are.
"You had an emotional affair" and you can't forgive yourself.
You had an emotional affair? That's not an affair. That's a fantasy that you happened to tell to the person it involved. You said there was no sex involved - so it wasn't an affair, it really wasn't.
Get it through your heads, both of you, that in every long-term relationship there are times when ALL of us think about someone else, have sexual fantasies about them, and just occasionally make the mistake of thinking it's real and that it's going to happen. Of course it's worse if the person knows and becomes "involved", but if nothing happened then nothing happened. Get over it. Concentrate on what matters to both of you and stop beating yourselves up about a mistake that nearly happened but didn't actually.
9 years is a lot of time to lose over a silly mistake - over nothing more than a slightly early 7-year-itch that you scratched and it went away.
Go tell him how much you love him, how much you want him, and how much you KNOW it can work between you for the rest of your lives (if that's what you really want), and STOP APOLOGISING for something that never quite happened.
And, above all, ENJOY EACH OTHER.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008): well my wife cheated on me recently actually she cheated twice both were sexual I can tell you I cheated first and she found out we have been togethr 14 years this happened the 12 year i screwed up i neglected her totally and took up with a wild party girl also at the same time dated one of my assitants. I can tell you she took the affairs hard and medicated herself with xanax and zoloft and then had an affair were she kissed the guy three times and he touched himself. the next affair she had in beginning of feb 2008 ended end of april 2008. this was a serious emational and sexual affair were she though she loved the guy and wanted to replace with me and wished me in jail or dead because at the time the affair guy was her whole world. we are now in counseling and back together but i can tell u ur boyfriend may never get over it i have trouble every second of the day and the only thing that helps is my wife calling me texting me she luvs em and really making it known she is sorry and i am the one. i beleive her she has come off the meds cut out all the firends and poepl who were involced and really am into us. The only thing is I obsess about it all the time and ask questions. it hard for ur boyfriend and I can tell u time apart is no good smother him with love or you will lose him or worse he will do to u what u did to him and break the seal of ur relationship which will never be the same
...............................
A
male
reader, Marco262 +, writes (27 June 2008):
Sometimes love isn't enough to keep a relationship going. If your boyfriend hasn't gotten over your affair in three years, chances are he never will, especially for someone who is "very hard headed and stubborn".
My advice is to break up with him. Trust is a very VERY important thing in any relationship, and it looks like you'll never get his back. Tell him that it's over, and why. Tell him you still love him, but if he can't trust you anymore, then it's best that you two break up and try to find people you CAN trust.
...............................
|
