A
male
age
30-35,
*as0988
writes:This past Thursday I was dumped my girlfriend who also happens to be a co-worker. I had left a rose outside her door the previous day, and I knew by her lukewarm response that she had already made up her mind to end the relationship. I was prepared for it the next day, so I went ahead and asked if I could talk with her. The conversation was actually very amiable, and while I suggested that we possibly continue while giving each other some space, she decided that we were too different and it needed to come to an end. She asked if I was ok, and I told her I was great.I decide to cut off contact with her in to help myself get over her. Two days later, she sent me a text asking if me and my mom (who has cancer) were ok, and I responded that we were both doing great, and thanks.Work comes this Monday (I took Friday off to take a break), and she doesn't pay me any attention. Tuesday, however, she walks behind my desk to go to an area of the building a couple of times, and finally she actually reaches out and touches me to get my attention. She says hey in a sweet voice, and I say hey back and go back to work. She then immediately sends me a work message through our chat asking how I'm doing. I keep it extremely simple ("great... really busy"), and she says that's great, and I go to lunch after that.I am very confused on how to handle this now though. Some people say to keep no contact at all costs to make her think about me more and regret her decision to dump me. Others say act like she doesn't exist and treat her like a co-worker I don't know (I don't agree with this... seems harsh and we don't hate each other). And recently, I got some advice that I need to reach out to her for small talk (nothing about the relationship in anyway, but at least be confident and friendly) in the next 3-5 days possibly.In all honestly, I do want her back, but I feel like I'll be ok if it doesn't work out ever again. I don't know if it's the right thing to make contact with her after the breakup has been so recent, but I feel much better and don't feel a ton of emotional pain at the moment. I could feel pain when I talk with her again, but I am exuding a lot more confidence at work and even have people approaching me that didn't approach me before.What I don't want is to get friend-zoned out of this. I absolutely don't want to hear about her relationship life and what she has been doing since we went our separate ways. I feel like I either want her back or for her to be minor work acquaintances. The problem is, should I slowly become her "friend" again and be the confident, attractive guy that won her over in the first place (I really feel comfortable enough to pull it off), or do I continue to let her feelings marinate longer in hopes that she starts to miss me even more and doesn't move on?
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male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (4 June 2014):
 Both of the options you are considering involve trying to win her back, but it sounds as if it has already reached a conclusion. Sorry but I think you need to accept that she is no longer wanting to be with you.
"should I slowly become her "friend" again and be the confident, attractive guy that won her over in the first place (I really feel comfortable enough to pull it off)"
Things have changes since you last won her over. She has been with you a while and realized it wasn't working, you were two different people and not the one for her.
" or do I continue to let her feelings marinate longer in hopes that she starts to miss me even more and doesn't move on?"/" Some people say to keep no contact at all costs to make her think about me more and regret her decision to dump me."
Or make her move on more like! Ignoring her and making no contact will probably confirm in her mind that you are okay with the situation and moving on. I don't think it will make her heart grow fonder. Might make you seem sulky or come across as though you are giving her the silent treatment which could make her see you as childish and justify her decision.
"she decided that we were too different and it needed to come to an end. She asked if I was ok, and I told her I was great."
Opps. Okay so she finished with you, despite you wanting to continue, and then asked you how you felt. You said "Great!"? Really? As in "Great Im single again, wooppyyy!" or Great as in "Great ive been dumped by a girl, never mind I feel good so onwards and upwards!"?
I think she on one hand wanted to finish with you, but on the other her pride wanted you to beg her to stay with you at least just a tiny bit. To say you were great with the ending of the relationship and doing great in general probably made her feel like she wasn't very valued anyway and that you were happy for her to leave. Now she is paying you attention as she wants to see if you change your tune and act sad or try to plead with her to come back. Her pride is hurt by the fact you took such a blasé attitude to being dumped.
I think you have been ill advised by your friends to try tactics to make her miss you or regret ending the relationship. Its more likely to stop you from moving on and make you feel worse.
" Others say act like she doesn't exist and treat her like a co-worker I don't know (I don't agree with this... seems harsh and we don't hate each other)."
If you work together professional courtousy is required, as is respect and dignity.
I think you should carry on as you are and try to move on. Ending a relationship is always hard, even more so when you have to work with that person. It wont always be harmonious and there will be tensions but I do think you need to accept its likely to be over. The fact you have been so strong about this suggests she didn't really means as much to you as you might actually think.
Mark
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 June 2014):
 I would next time she texts you, let her know that you can't be texting and chatting because it is confusing. She is TRYING to be nice, no doubt, but it is giving you hope that she will change her mind. I don't think she will.
Tell her you need to go no contact and that it would be great if she could respect that.
Now IF she really DOES change her mind and want to try again she will. And if she doesn't it will make it easier around work.
Now no contact with a co-worker is a little different then the usual no contact. You can still be polite and professional at work, no contact doesn't mean you now have to totally IGNORE her when you see her. Just don't get into personal conversations.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (4 June 2014):
 I think you should keep up the small talk like you've been doing. Don't be rude and ignore her, but also don't elaborate or make it be known you miss her or want her back.
I know you feel as though you may want her back, but that may not be in the cards. So to play it on the safe side, keep doing the no contact thing unless she contacts you. This way, if she wants you back, she will realize it. And if she doesn't, you've actually already started to move on. From the sounds of it, though, it seems as if you'll be fine in no time, either way.
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A
female
reader, YoungButNotNaive  +, writes (4 June 2014):
 Treat her no different than you would any other coworker. That doesn't mean you have to act like she doesn't exist.The way you're currently handling things is fine. In fact, it's great. I wouldn't change a thing. Responding to her "how are you's" shows you're being mature about the breakup without going overboard (meaning it's good you're not sending lengthy replies). Right now, I think she's shocked and maybe even disappointed at how well you're handling this. As the poster before me said, it hurt her ego. That could also be part (the other part being politeness) of the reason she's paying you attention. She wants you to want her, even if she has no intention of ever getting back with you. I wouldn't recommend trying to be "friends" or getting closer to her to try to get her back. That is a good way to get friend zoned, which you said you don't want. No matter how confident you feel, don't try it. If she wants to work things out, she knows where to find you. Really, don't change a thing.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786 +, writes (4 June 2014):
 You don't need to be her friend and you can treat her politely as any work colleague. You are hurting from the break up and in fairness need time to heal. Don't start being friends until you are comfortable to be labelled her friend and not meet/chat hoping for a reunion. Your EX ego is taking a hammering as she cannot believe that you so easily closed her out. So don't start anything with her as you risk being disappointed.
Not everyone can handle friendship after a breakup
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2014): Well you need to decide if you want her or not. If you want her back ignore her completely, if you want her to be an acquaintance keep small talk minimal. After ignoring you completely if she still likes you shse should send you a long aggressive email about the ignoring etc. then you write back well it's just hard seeing you because I really like you still and it breaks my heart, then she'll be sweetened and if she still likes you, will accept. If you never get that correspondance or any like it then she doesn't like you and you can move on.
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