A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I know this isn't really a question about a reltionship of my own but I am just in need of some advice. First things first about 8 years ago my mother passed away leaving just me and my dad, the following year my dad started seeing someone new (funnily enough my teacher) who had a younger daughter of her own, about 4 years ago the two of them moved in with us and despite a rocky start (comprised of arguments and horrible things said on both parts) we are now a happy family and I see my 'step' sister as my real sister. However this week my dad proposed and although I knew it was coming for sometime I'd always thought it would be later and it caught me a bit unawares. I need some advice as although I love my new mom deeply I still feel very upset about them getting married even though they have been more or less married for years. I feel very guilty and selfish but although im excited im also deeply upset. Don't get me wrong my dad and my mom asked my 'p r rmission' well before hand but I just can't help feeling upset. Am I just being selfish about this or is this normal to feel like this ? I'm not upset all the time just sometimes it hits me. Thank you !
View related questions:
fiance, moved in, my teacher Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (5 June 2014):
 Since you are not doing anything to prevent this then I would not classify your feelings as selfish. If you were trying to stop it, yes, that would be selfish.
My mom died in October 1995 I was 35 and destroyed. From one Motherless Daughter to another you have my deepest sympathy.
My father started dating almost right away (my mother had asked him to on her death bed) AND everything I have ever studied or read indicates that a man that moves on quickly is not doing it out of disrespect for his deceased wife but rather it indicates how much he loved her and misses what they had. He med a woman 4 MONTHS after my mother died and they are 18 years later still together. I refer to her as my stepmom although legally they are not married.
It was VERY hard for me at first... it's only in the last 7-10 years that I have actually grown truly fond of her. I always said I was ok with it but it hurt me to see my dad moving on... and yet what made me realize this was not disrespecting my mom but more about my dad MISSING my mom was the night I heard him call my SM by my mother's nickname that my dad had for her.. he self corrected but I realize how hard this must be for her. I mean really she knows deep in her heart although my father loves her and wants to be with her if my mother had not died she would not have the chance to be with my dad.
I have found that women who love their spouses and leave them early due to death WANT them to move on and meet someone and be taken care of and loved by another since they can't do it. It does not mean mom is forgotten or not important.
now for the cute story....
mom was literally days from death (she had very aggressive non-treatable cancer) and we are in a darkened room at home.. mom in the recliner. i'm at her side, dad across from me, brother next to dad, cousin my age who had lost her mom 9 years prior to the same thing at her feet, mom's baby sister (my adult auntie) and her wife at her head.
picture some weird woody allen film.
mom says to dad "when I am gone I want you to remarry"
at this point WE ARE ALL CRYING hysterically....silently but it's obvious we are in great emotional distress...
and daddy says "NO NO NO I will NEVER get married again"
and mom says all upset "But I don't WANT you to be ALONE... I WANT YOU to get married again"
and dad says in all sincerity (not meaning to be funny)
"Oh I won't be alone, I'll date I might even LIVE with someone but I WILL NEVER GET MARRIED AGAIN"
it really was in retrospect totally comical.....
and no he won't marry my stepmom... but then she won't marry him either... it's about finances for them... they need to keep their monies separate. Their choice... as far as we are all concerned she is Stepmom....
your feeling guilt over liking the new wife is normal. and it's ok to like or love her... and it's not disrespecting your mom at all.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 June 2014):
 I think it's pretty normal.
I'm in my 40's and lost my mom little over 4 years ago. My mom and dad were married for 46 years. He met a lady 2 years ago and from how he talked about her I could sense he was interested but nothing happened. Then they re-met 6 months later and he asked her out.
I'm GLAD that my dad found someone. I wouldn't WANT him to be alone. But at times when he is GUSHING over her (to me) I feel a tinge of annoyance. Like he forgot my mom. And honey, I'm freaking OLD. LOL
Remember this YOUR mom would without doubt WANT him to be happy again. Your step-mom didn't replace your mom. She is an extension to the family. You dad hasn't forgotten your mom. And your step mom isn't a competitor to your mom in any way shape or form.
Wish them well. When you think on them and feel mad or sad, think what your mom would have wanted.
And don't beat yourself up for feeling the way you do, but don't let it linger. Allow yourself to grieve your mom, a loss like that doesn't just GO away. Not for your dad, nor you or anyone else who knew your mom.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (4 June 2014):
 I am 52, and just lost my father last Thanksgiving. My parents didn't have a very happy marriage but stayed together for almost 54 years. I was very close to my father and took the loss extremely hard. My mother is 78 and 2 months after my father died, she looked up and found her 1st boyfriend from when she was 17! They started dating and moved in together after dating 2 months. I am finding this hard to deal with, as is my sister. I try so hard to be happy for my mother as she seems so happy but I am so hurt that she moved on so quickly and its like my father never even existed. I am not a kid and I know I should be able to deal with this, but its hard. I keep my unhappy feelings to myself because I don't wish to hurt my mother. But it is very hard for me. I have to remind myself that my mother is old and I have no right to wish for her to be alone, even though her actions are not quite what I wished for, at least not so quickly.
I do certainly understand your loss and confusion. Just remember that its ok to still love and miss your mother. Your step mother will never be able to replace your mother and I doubt if she would want to, but its alright if you love her. Please try to look past the feelings that you have that are negative and be happy for your father. He has waited far longer than most people do to remarry and he has needs and wants just as all of us do. I know deep down inside you want him to be happy, don't you?
How wonderful that you gain a sister! Being an only child can be so difficult. In time, things will settle down and won't be so strange. You can have a complete family again..it may be different, but its a family and that is wonderful. Please keep in mind that I am sure your father would like your blessing and he isn't doing this to make you unhappy.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2014): No my dear, you are not being selfish. You are being respectful and mindful of your mother's memory. No one could ever replace her, and your heart doesn't always agree with your mind. You don't have to make any excuse for loving your mother so much. It is very touching.
I lost my mom when I was young too. My youngest brother was only two, so my dad had to hire nannies, and we had a housekeeper. He didn't date anyone for many years after my mom died, and I always wanted him to have female company. I hated to see him lonely. Not for our sake anyway.
When he finally did meet someone, it felt...well, weird. It was like he had gotten over my mother; when I don't feel I ever could. So I know that feeling. It's like some lady is trying to take your mother's place, and it's hard to accept that your dad could love someone so much; that he could marry someone after you mom.
He has to move on with his life. He isn't betraying the memory of your mother, and it doesn't mean he feels any less about her loss. People find new mates, if one is lost too soon. The grief and loss can be overwhelming. The loneliness can be unbearable for some.
Your mother would want you and your dad to have someone to love you just as she dad. She would smile knowing someone will be there to prepare you for your wedding. Have girl talks; and to guide you as you become a woman. She left much too early in your life to do that.
Your dad by no means wants to replace her; but he needs someone he can love and be close to. His new relationship was probably rocky; because it was hard for him to not compare his new mate to your mother. He had to make adjustments; also realize and accept their differences. He had to protect you and your feelings at the expense of his own.
She may not have been as understanding of his grief, or his ways. He was used to your mom, and expected her to fill in or be like her. It happens, and that is human. The fights were due to his grief, he may have been moody, drank too much, and he had to adjust to the will of a new woman in his life. She had her issues too. He wasn't over your mother yet, and a new relationship might have been premature. You may know reasons; but not the details they would have protected you from as very young girl.
He also felt guilt for having feelings for someone else; so he may not have been as nice to her, as he could have. Or, should have.
My dear, you are very fortunate that you have a new little sister. Your dad found someone to love you both; and you said such sweet things about her, and your little sister.
You have a right to be a little resentful, and to hold your mother's memory so powerful in your precious heart. You are a young woman, but yet you're still a girl as well. Your feelings will mature, and your understanding will put everything in proper perspective. For now, go ahead and feel a little resentment. It will fade-away as your love grows stronger for your new mom, and your sister. You're a family again; while most people are coming apart.
I am very sorry for your loss; but very happy for your gain.
It is best to let the resentment run it's course, and it will naturally subside as it should. Wish your dad and his new wife the best. He waited an awful long time to finally reach the point to commitment for life. I sense that he did that for you. He waited until you were older. He doesn't, and shouldn't, expect you to be as ready for it as he is.
...............................
|
