A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:so... not long ago i had a boyfriend(let's call him alex). we had been together for like 1 year and 10 months. things started to get really routinaire and i asked him for a break. he said yes but then i met this other guy (daniel) and we started going out. after a month or so i told alex that i was seeing someone else and that maybe we should break up for good. so i started a relationship with this new guy Daniel. after a while i realized we weren't really a good fit, so i broke up with him. Then my ex called me and we started to see each other again as friends. We have a lot in common and this new start seemeed to be exactly what we needed. Everything seemeed like we would be back together in no time. And then one day he told me he had sex with some girl while we were apart. i never got intimate with Daniel (the guy i dated after we broke up) so it kind of hurted to know he did it with some random girl. Anyway i was too mad at him to realize what i really felt about that. all i cared when he told me that was to get even. But somehow i couldn't. so we continue to go out and everything seemed fine. I even stopped caring to get even. it just didn't seem like a big deal anymore. i get that we weren't together and that if he had sex with this other girl while we were apart is not of my bussines specially since i dumped him for another guy. it's been like 3 months since we started going out again but just yesterday it really hit me: he actually slept with some other girl. and i can't get the image of him with someone else out of my head. When he first told me that he slept with someone else, well it was about pride, because i dumped him and i never expected him to get over me so fast. and because i never did anything with the other guy i dated(Daniel). so i felt like ... betrayed... i dumped and he had no right to forget me so fast(that's the first thing i thought when he told me because i was really hurted and angry at him) but now .. it's not about being even anymore... it's about that it hurts me to think about him with her. And to make it worse this girl he slept with goes to the same college i go and we're on the same major so i most likely know her or i'm going to meet her at one point. And this image of him with someone else gets stucked in my head and i don't like it. I know i don't have the right to be mad at him because of this , and actually i'm not even mad at him, but i need to get this image out of my head because it really hurts. what do i do ??? help please!!
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (26 January 2011):
 The only way to get an unwanted thought out of your mind is to replace it with something better. The bad thoughts are there because you let them in. You can chase them away but you have to replace them with something. You are going to have to replace those jealous hurtful thoughts with your own love for him.
Before the bad hurtful thoughts get a hold of your mind start thinking about how good he is to you now and how much you want to stay with him. Those positive thoughts can be more powerful.
FA
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (26 January 2011):
 It bothers you so much because you messed it all up BIG TIME. You need to feel bothered because it's a sure fire way that you will learn and not make the same mistake again.
You need to suck it up, deal with it yourself and get over it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni know i made a mistake and i'm not trying to say that i didn't deserved what happpened. i know it's not his fault and i know i am the bad guy in this situation. i am glad he take me back with no hard feelings and i know how much it must have hurted him what i did. the only advice im asking is ... how do i get the image of him with someone else out of my head?? i know tuff luck deal with it.. but .. i just wish it didn't bother me so much.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): If there wasnt another man,then maybe it would be easier to sympathise with you as many do that and really its only anger and you both know youre not broken permanently. But you went to another man and have you thought about how hurt he could have been? That didnt matter to you. All any body will say is tuff luck.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (25 January 2011):
What should you do, seems to be your min question, to stop being hurt by this memory. You seem to be stuck on this idea of fairness. You did A so he had a "right" to do B. That somehow you can only repair the hurt you caused him by letting him hurt you. How does more hurting heal?
Alex is way ahead of you on this score. He knows he hurt you. He is replacing that hurt with more love. That is why the new start is working for you two. It appears that you believe that because you and Daniel were not intimate that your relationship didn't hurt Alex. You need to sit down and try to put yourself in his shoes when you told him you wanted to make the break a permanent break up. Think about how you would have felt if he had told you that. Allowing him to have a romp on the side is not going to heal that kind of hurt. You are going to have to replace all of that hurt with more love and fidelity. He desperately needs to feel secure in the relationship. He can't feel the security that he needs because you are always looking over his shoulder at the other woman.
If you want to heal your hurt start by healing his.
FA
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (25 January 2011):
 You need to get over it. These are your words: i felt like ... betrayed... i dumped and he had no right to forget me so fast(that's the first thing i thought when he told me because i was really hurted and angry at him)
You dumped him, who says he had no right to forget you so fast, you dumped him for another guy, what did you expect him to do, moon around the house for six months writing really bad poetry? You have no right to be angry because he didnt do these things, but accepted the dumping and got on with it. Get over it!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): I understand your feelings BUT he slept with this girl when you broke up with him for another guy! so what if you didn't sleep with him, you still ended your relationship for another man.
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