A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I'm a 27 year old male and have been with my girlfriend for a year. After my 1st real love 4/5 years ago I had been single for about 3 1/2 years - i can't simply go out with anyone for the sake of it. Then I met my current girlfriend and it's amazing, we're great together, I love her very much and we've been through so much together the last year. However, I've been drinking a hell of a lot when I go out and went out with work 2 days ago, got extremely drunk, didn't know what i was doing or how I would get home. A girl came up to me to see if I was okay etc and she said that I could sleep on her couch until the next day then somehow I wake up the next day having had sex with her and am repulsed by what I've done.I have 2 options:a) I tell my girlfriend (whom I seriously love, sounds hard to believe), break her heart and mine, and we break up all because of one HUGE mistake.b) I don't tell her, in the end I blank it out (no one knows about this at all. However, I will always know that I've scarred our relationship even though she won't find out, what if we stay together for years and end up getting married - would I be able to go through with it always keeping such a big thing from her.Can you please help, I have no excuse but I GENUINELY LOVE her - and you REALLY KNOW if you love someone.Thanks
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female
reader, hasanswers123  +, writes (26 July 2008):
If you've done something that you know will hurt your girlfriend, whether it's cheating or something else you should always tell her. This shouldn't even be questioned. She's your girlfriend because you care about her, love her, respect her etc etc. Telling her may result in the break up of your relationship but she has the right to know. If you don't tell her you'll be living a lie and so will she. It's not fair on her and is selfish on your behalf if you don't tell her. At least if you tell her she knows you've respected her enough to tell her and that if you were to do anything wrong again she'd know about it because of your honesty. If you don't tell her and she finds out she'll always be questioning you and will never be able to trust you. Honesty is the best way to save the relationship. After doing something that hurtful you can't expect to go back to the relationship you had it will take alot of work. Time heels all wounds. You will have to take it slow, she will need alot of reassurance, when ur out drinking with your mates keep her updated on what your doing to reasure her or simply stay in contact with messages to her that say i miss you, i'll be home soon, asking how her night is going etc. You won't have room to do any little thing wrong. You need to work your arse off to show you truly care. Don't make unrealistic promises like you'll never drink again, or that you'll spend every night with her. You will just break her heart again if you make unrealistic promises. This is what you should do of course if you really want to be with her. Why did you cheat in the first place? It's not hard to say no and go home to your girlfriend. You will always be faced with other propositions, there'll be many drunken times with your mates. Alcohol is no excuse to cheat... you made those choices. If you struggle to say no and go home to your girlfriend then there may be other problems within your relationship. You have a few questions to ask yourself before you do anything.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): dude im in your exact same shoes.. except my girlfriend found out i cheated on her drunk as hell... im tryin to tell her how much i really do love her but i unno if it'll ever work.. i do love her and i made the biggest mistake of my life by cheating on her and i didnt realize till after the fact.. our hormones are what drives us and its our personall needs that no1 really understands but you... alot of the times your own personal needs are enough to block out anything else important at that time.. believe me ive been there and im fighting for my life to win my girls heart back but its hard... you dont wanna be in the same shoes as im in bro dont ever tell her cuz it'll break her heart and it'll be hell for her to ever trust you again.. for me atleast... its taken awhile but ive been able to talk to my girl a little bit lately but she is so hurt and trust me dude seeing the girl you love the most looking the worst she's ever looked and felt sucks cuz you know its all your fault...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2007): Uhhhh, im in the same position right now. it sucks, i feel like a huge jerk and i know i deserve that. i cant help you since i have to figure this out too; however, id like to mention to the person suggesting couples counseling that they are not married. remember that man. if this is a girl that you want to marry. i wouldnt tell her. chalk it up as learning and chill out on the booze. if it just a girlfriend, break up with her gently and leave out the cheating part. then, go drink more and forget a few months of your life. .... in retrospect maybe this is why my relationship is doomed.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2007): It sounds to me like you were so drunk that you were unable to drive, and spending the night on the couch was better than driving home and killing yourself or someone else....one thing you mentioned was that you are taking antidepressants, and the type you are on, will greatly increase the effect alchohol has on you, so you should really avoid drinking all together, or nurse one drink over several hours....
The girl that came up to you was a stranger that just walked up to you and offered her couch? It should have been obvious to you that what she had in mind was sex, drunken sex, or she would have offered to call you a cab.
You made a mistake, you learned a lesson, and you can let yourself off the hook for this one, if you know your intention was not to go get lucky at the bar, but you over did it with booze, lost your inhibitions and let some strange girl pick you up, not the other way around.
I can't tell you not to tell your girlfriend, but I know if I were her, I would not want to know, and I will tell you why...because I would feel that you were dumping on me all of your guilt in order to make your self feel better and not to somehow improve our relationship......I would rather not know that you screwed up once, and I would want to see a change in your behavior, like not going out drinking with people at work without me, you are closer to 30 than 20, and should be outgrowing that immature behavior...be the man you want to be, tell her that being with her makes you want to be a better man, and then show her, don't tell her....Good Luck, what ever you decide..
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A
female
reader, Starr +, writes (7 April 2007):
First thing you should do is ask yourself if you would want to know if she did it to you. Sometimes you have to do what is right in order to show someone how much you care.Just tell her you messed up big time you are willing to spend the rest of your life making it up to her.I'm a woman and there is nothing worst than finding out that another woman has touched your man,in fact it's frustrating.Although it is one of the most painful things to learn,I would want to know.You just make sure that you tone down your drinking since you seem to do stupid things under the influence.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2007): How about learn from this HUGE mistake and NEVER put yourself into such a situation EVER AGAIN.
You and alcohol equates stupidity and with it committing actions that seriously hurt and wound those you claim to love.
How about getting enrolled into AA as you demonstrate dependancy and self destruction which those addicted to alcohol/drugs exhibit.
Get some individual counselling.
Come clean with GF. Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy. This will eat you alive and you will never be able to make it up to her-restitution is not about pretending, hiding, lying, concealing. It's about telling the truth and facing the consequences.
Suggest to the GF you would like couples counselling and then make a commitment to yourself and GF that you will no longer be irresponsible. You choose to drink, then do so ONLY with GF present. This way she can take care of you when you are a drunken idiot and you don't get to hurt her by excusing yourself of impairing your judgement.
Best Wishes.
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A
female
reader, ruth2203 +, writes (7 April 2007):
umgh im afraid its your call its one of thoose questions you cant answer for some one else ! im sorry good luck though x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2007): This is a warning sign to you. Yes, we all like a drink and a good time but you are overdoing it. You have been out of control, putting yourself at risk and jeopardising your relationship with a woman you love. You will have to address your drinking and you are obviously bitterly disappointed in yourself by having a one night stand. Firstly are there any areas of your life that you are having difficulties with? normally stresses and anxieties can make us drink more than we usually do. So have a think about that first and try and resolve any personal issues.Secondly, I wouldn't say anything to your girlfriend as you know she will probably be devastated and end it with you anyway, you will break the trust she has in you which is very difficult to repair if ever. You are feeling remorseful now and it is up to you to sort yourself out and prove to your girlfriend what a good partner you are. Don't let yourself get into deep water again, just cut down on your drinking. Put it down to experience and make sure you don't find yourself in this situation again, if you are feeling guilty, please don't drink because it won't make things better, if anything it will make them worse.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2007): Thank you for your quick reply.
Another thing that I didn't mention (related to the drinking) is that I have been on citalopram for depression since Christmas. I am on 40mg at the moment, and I think I've started to over do the drinking recently as I started to feel better with the tablets and wanted to start living again. The truth is I have always said to her, and she agreed that I can't understand those people who cheat and don't tell their partner as they have scarred the relationship. I have only done it once, although it should NEVER have happened at all. I'm not trying to blame it on the SSRI's or the drink but merely to paint a true picture.
Would you tell your partner?
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A
female
reader, LittleTwoLegs  +, writes (7 April 2007):
 You have to tell her. I know it's hard, but in this sort of situation when you know it was the drink...? The sooner you can tell her the better. It's fresh on your mind just how disgusted you are with it, and your girlfriend will see that. If you think you're really serious about her and want to be with her for a long time then the last thing you want is to be reminded of your inner demons every time you see her pretty little face, or even think about it. It will happen, and overwealm you, and yes inevitably cause your relationship to end whether you end up telling her or not.
So basically if you tell her now then you will save everyone a much more lingering heartache in the future. You have to tell her, I'm sorry and I know that's hard, but the sooner you tell her the better your chances are of recovering from it as a couple.
Best of luck, mate.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (7 April 2007):
 I cannot tell you if you should come clean with your GF or not...that is a tough decision and only you will know how she will react. I can tell you that you have a duty to protect yourself and her from anything you may have put yourself at risk of from the one-night stand. Apart from the STD risk, you need to start thinking about your drinking - if you are getting so off your face that you don't know what you are doing or where you are going then you are heading for real danger. Where-ever you live, it can a dangerous place at night if you don't have your wits about you and anything could happen to you. Your heavy drinking is also a sign of personal unhappiness...drown your sorrows and all that...I am not saying give up drinking but you need to keep a balance...social drinking is ok, alcoholism kills you slowly and very painfully.
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