A
male
age
51-59,
*iylojj
writes:Hi.I have just split from my gf and its all my doing. I have not met anyone else just feel its run its course and to be honest don't really love her anymore.Problem is it feels like being a teenager again, I feel sick with guilt because she is absolutely devasted as she loved me so strongly and is begging me not to leave but just feel its correct.She has a 10 yr old girl from previous and I have 2 boys from prev whom i have every weekend and sometimes during week.Live in my own place and she has hers, its the lack of commitment from me and enthusiasm to become 1 whole family which has caused the bad feeling. I'm 39 now and she is 34 and a lovely honest caring girl but why can I not commit to her , I wonder if i'm a bit odd as I probably find it hard to meet someone else whom is willing to take on a man with 2 kids .One of my concerns was that my kids are so chilled round my gaff as they can do as they wish, have all the boys toys etc and just love it with me on their own, they did like her a lot but i was worried they might not be as happy living as one big family.I worry that i have made her so insecure that its backfired on me as she was always in my ear about living together and it just put me off. Sounds really petty now have read it back but too late now. TX.
View related questions:
insecure Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dazed~Confused  +, writes (24 November 2009):
 If you think you made a mistake, then call her and talk to her and articulate what it is you want and need from her.
If however you are sure that you don't want to be in this relationship, then just leave well enough alone and walk away. Yes, she will be devastated for a while. It is never easy to get over someone you love. However, if you go back to her as a shoulder to cry on, you will confuse her. She is going to think that there is a possibility of the 2 of you getting back together and that will make it even harder for her to move on. There is also the very real possibility of the 2 of you falling into familiar patterns b/c it feels good/normal. This too will make it hard for her and you to move on, and if there are children involved it will confuse them too.
Basically she has friends, family, etc and those are who she should turn to for support. If you don't want to be with her, then it is not right for you to try and step in. Your intentions are great, and it is obvious that you do care for her if you are thinking this way, but what you need to look at is what is best in the long run. So, again, if you are serious about leaving, then just leave.
It's best for everyone. Don't drag it out.
A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (24 November 2009):
 several points--
1) the break up has surely left her vulnerable and both of you a little insecure, as neither of you know what the future brings and that's a little scary for both of you, sure, but if it didn't feel right, it didn't feel right and it's unfortunate that she is a casualty in finding a life that makes you feel complete and happy, but that's the way things go sometimes.
2)i think she may have been moving too fast with you, I'm not sure how long you two have been together, but with her insistent pressure of moving in, she was pushing you to a point you were not fully ready for, and perhaps you could have taken things slower, and you could have eased your children into it. if you feel like that's a regret, you know, consider it, and maybe call her again someday, and tell her you want to take it slower, but if you don't really forsee going slower as a solution to your ambivalence about a merge, then stay the way you are.
3) don't worry about finding another lady. I feel like the stigma for single parents is harder on women than men (as in, men see her kids as a turn off or obstacle, and women see them (the kids and the single dads) as endearing and even sexy I think) there are plenty of women that would be into your scene. it's not too late for you, so don't give up on yourself.
...............................
|
