A
male
age
36-40,
*-need-help
writes:Hey everyone, I know this is going to sound bad but I really need some help. I have been married for 4 years with two lovely children, and although I love my wife and kids to bits I can't stop thinking about a friend of mine. We get on really well and I would say that I'm falling for her. Like I said I love my wife and would never want to hurt her but I like my friend aswell. I don't want to lose my wife but I also don't want to lose my friend. Any help will be appreciated Reply to this Question
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (11 January 2014):
 It's easy to say "distance yourself" or "stop communicating", but I know that's easier said than done. I feel for you, having succeeded in a similar situation you find yourself in, so I'll give you some tips:
1. Think of one good thing about your wife every day. Sounds trite, but it really isn't. To commit an affair requires belittling your wife in comparison to your crush in order to justify it. To admire your wife is like crush Kryptonite.
2. Become dull. When someone is flirting, they're trying to IMPRESS their love interest. Becoming dull means you're not making eye contact, not connecting emotionally, and not being conversational.
3. Empathize. It's harder to cheat if you put yourself in your wife's or especially childrens' shoes. What if your actions cause your son or daughter later on down the road to commit suicide or go down a wrong path?
4. When thoughts of the interest intrude, counter it with memories of what made you fall in love with your wife. My memory was the time my husband (then my boyfriend) spontaneously danced in the parking lot of a Title Wave. It was one of the happiest moments of my life. You have to associate your wife with happiness.
5. Decide if you are a man or a boy. A boy is unable to control his thoughts and feelings. A man is strong, unmoved by thoughts of strange. A man considers his wife to be his queen and works to build a good personal environment.
6. Your children's mental health. Nothing says "I'm hurt beyond what I should be experiencing at my age" like an affair. Your children come before a crush.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 January 2014):
 Like stated before.. You've already lost your "friend". She used to be your friend, now she's a woman you are in love with. The choice is very easy. Crushes fade. You made a promise to your wife and God. Eeeeeasy choice, veeery easy.
Cut the other woman out of your life for a little bit, the feelings will fade, and once you are platonic again you can go back to being PLATONIC friends. That way, you get to keep your friend AND your wife.
Btw, it would be very disloyal of you as a friend to get a friend involved with a cheater. You, as a friend, should encourage your friends to stay away from such men. So, logically, as her friend, you would advice yourself and her to keep away from each other.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (10 January 2014):
 Maybe you should consider finding a new local.
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A
male
reader, i-need-help +, writes (10 January 2014):
i-need-help is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies guys, I'm going to work at my marriage and only see my friend when she is at work in my local.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 January 2014):
The moment you developed feelings for your friend, you ceased to be a friend. Your friend represents someone who doesn't see all sides of you, makes no demands on you, so it's a fiction. Your wife is there for you body and soul. She's the mother of your kids and is the one person in the world besides your mother who loves you warts and all.
People like you are why many people say "no opposite sex friendships" because you crossed the line now into emotional affair whether or not your friend knows of your feelings. If your friend knows you're into her, then it's all the worse.
You are alienating affection from your wife and she knows it. You may have already had conversations or arguments with her about this particular friendship, and believe me, those things come to light.
What would you like your wife to do if positions were switched and she started falling for a male friend? You'd want her to honor her marriage vow and distance herself from the guy.
The same thing happened to me years ago shortly after my son was born. It started out as innocent. Someone my husband and I worked with and I had good chemistry and we worked well together. His wife was one of my closest friends. I started feeling myself thinking about him, and it hit me that I was starting to crush on him. I still had to work with him, but I pulled way back and avoided him except in work. My conversations became crisp and I became the dullest person in the world when it came to him. We never had one inappropriate word between us or subject too private.
My husband asked me why I was avoiding the guy and if he said something to offend me. I told him the truth, that we worked well together and I felt there was a danger of being too attached, and I loved both my husband and my friend too much. My husband of course was stunned, but was glad for the honesty. The guy had asked my husband if he had upset me. I just responded that no, he hadn't, and that it was "new mom exhaustion". I got a little less icy in my dealings with him but kept a stiff emotional wall up until the "crush" feelings subsided. No more IM's and emails except to communicate business, and I saved the IM's to stay accountable (my husband never checked...those were my own safeguards).
That's something you must recognize - "new mom exhaustion" WAS my trigger. Your life stresses are having you seek escape, but you are close to the fire and need to back out now. Otherwise you will destroy your own life, your wife's, and your kids'. Too high a price to pay. Stop the communication with her now or you'll be in bed with her inside of 6 months.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (10 January 2014):
 For starters, there's the golden rule. Do unto others...
You wouldn't appreciate your wife associating with another man she had feelings for so show her the same courtesy you would have her show you.
It's only a matter of time before your wife notices what's going on if she hasn't already. Your gal pal will quickly become the object of suspicion and resentment and it would be a lousy way to treat an innocent person you claim is a friend.
And finally, life is hard enough without having all these secret compartments to maintain. Keep it simple and save yourself a whole lot of guilt and grief by doing the right thing.
You're a grown man so I would think you'd know what the right thing is.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 January 2014):
 you don't want to lose your wife... is your wife saying PICK ONE of us? or is this your self-knowledge that your feelings for your "friend" are more than just friendly?
IF you have more than friendly feelings towards a woman not your wife (and clearly you do because you are asking strangers about it) then you have to decide what you want
a happy life with your wife and children or is this "crush" indicative of some unhappiness in your married life that you need to fix?
IF you absolutely cannot bear to lose this FRIEND as a FRIEND (and JUST a friend) then you must BITE the bullet and admit your crush to your wife and then ask your wife to EMBRACE this woman as HER FRIEND too. have her to dinner at your home with your wife and kids...
Make this woman who you have a crush on an integral part of your LIFE WITH YOUR WIFE ONLY... never be alone with her... have no texts or emails or phone conversations you don't share with your wife.
BE 100% transparent with your wife about this friendship.
IF you say you can't do that, then you have to pick one.
Pick the one that is not making you choose.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (10 January 2014):
I assume you would be happy for your wife if you found out she was doing the same thing to you...Right? After all, you are looking for understanding in this matter...so you would be just as understanding if it was turned around...of course you would.
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A
male
reader, Geta +, writes (10 January 2014):
You have to pick one or the other and stop growling how you will loose. There is nothing to lose but instead gain peace in your marriage and in your mind.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 January 2014):
 Greedy and selfish aren't you?
It's all about what YOU want. And how YOU feel. That doesn't SAY a single thing about wanting to NOT hurt your wife. It says I WANT to care, but I don't REALLY care about my wife enough to realize that I am putting the marriage in jeopardy. THAT I should know as a freaking grown up and KNOW what's the right thing to do.
If this was your wife wanting her marriage and some male friend she has feelings for, how would YOU feel? Like you were a priority? I seriously doubt that.
Does this "friend" know you have "feelings" for her? IF she does, then she is NOT a friend.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (10 January 2014):
 You may not wish to lose your wife but you will if you carry on down this route.
Focus on spending the time you devote to this so called 'friend' on your wife and kids instead, they are your future, you took vows.
How would you feel if your wife had a male 'friend' who she had a crush on?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 January 2014):
 If you really care about your wife and kids as much as you say, you should accept to lose your friend, or at least to freeze the friendship until you get over your crush.
You are not falling for this woman because she is such a good friend, but because you are attracted to her. You are playing with fire and you know it. You sound a typical case of " We never meant to do anything wrong- but, one day ... it just HAPPENED ".
Yeah right.
Things do not happen to people who make sure there will NOT be the conditions to make them happen.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (10 January 2014):
Ask your wife to help you with this problem of yours, I am sure she will be only too happy to help.
Believe me, if you continue down the path I believe you are on you will lose your lovely wife and your lovely children.
Is your 'friend' worth it?
And let me tell you another thing, while I am here, if your wife is unaware of your friend, but your 'friend' is fully aware of your wife's existence, your 'friend' is no friend of yours.
Decent, caring loving husbands and fathers do not have secret little friends .... I do hope you get my drift.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2014): You know you are attracted to your friend so forget it. Put your hand in the fire and you will get burned.... This is a potential affair and you know it.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (10 January 2014):
If you don't want to lose your wife or your friend, then keep treating your wife as your wife and your friend as your friend.
Easy peasy.
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