A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:It's been a while since I noticed a change in my husband's behavior, he is staying longer at work, comes back not interested in kids, barely shows up for planned activities. And when I started digging a bit deeper, I found some ( too kind ) emails to a female co worker and some other women out there whom I never met or knew. When i asked about that he got defensive and even got upset that I invaded his privacy, and he will make me feel so guilty. lately though, I found a couple of texts and emails to the secretary this time, talking to her in a very gentle manner, telling her he will take care of her because he cares about her, and another e mail asking her to come back from a trip so he can take care of her. I was so angry and had to confront him, he swore that there is nothing going on, and it's all in my head. On his last business trip, he got me a very nice gift, but again I found a small piece of ladies jewelry hidden in his luggage. He keeps telling me that he loves me and can't imagine his life without me, and I always believe him, till i come across one of these emails or texts (all by chance because he has everything locked now), and we start the fighting again. I am loosing trust in him, and don't really know what to do, I feel that he wants me, but he also wants to keep doing what he's doing, as long as i don't find out, i wonder, if these are the emails I found, what else is there that needs all this secrecy and passwords on the gadgets. He travels a lot, big part of it is definitely business, but what scares me is the small tiny part here and there, am I too naive , what should I do, we have kids together and I don't want to wreck the ship please advice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2009): I found incriminating texts on my husband's phone to and from a female colleague. The only saving grace was that one of hers said she felt guilty leading him on as they had done nothing yet. I posted about this a short time ago. He swears it was all a stupid game as we were going through a very bad patch which was very true. We are more in love than ever as I realise what I nearly lost BUT I just can't trust him and keep raking it up with questions that pop into my head. He gets VERY upset when this happens as I really think he bitterly regrets it. He now shows me his mobile bills which are innocent and emails between them relating to work are innocent (he doesn't know I can access these) apart from one he forwarded her with a download of a dirty joke relating to penises. I beat myself up over this as I was hurt all over again as to why he had the need to send her that when we were madly in love in all respects. I couldn't say anything as I didn't want him to know I could access them and I casually quizzed him as to whether he was still having banter with her. He swore blind and got very annoyed and said there was NOTHING untoward going on so either he saw the email as insignificant or was too guilty to admit (note he didn't forward it to me!!). We love each other so much that I can't imagine splitting up but it has made us both ill and I will forever have the sentence of worrying about what they had and can I trust him again.
Good luck, I hope you find peace of mind.
A
female
reader, Mymy  +, writes (5 March 2009):
 I think you have all the evidence you need and should kick him out. This is exactly what happened with my parents a few years back... three years of my dad lying hideously, we discovered he'd got his secretary pregnant. Don't let it get to that stage, for the sake of yourself and your children.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2009): Look, don't let this happen to you.
You don't realise you have this power over him. He will continue to decieve and try and make you feel alright to stop you from realising that you have that power.
What 'can' he do if you decide that you don't want to deal with his crap anymore? Not very much. Realise that, and don't let him run you around in circles, you're just letting him do it.
The truth is plain and clear, you know it deep down. You're talking about not wanting to wreck the ship? What do you mean? You mean want to 'keep up appearances' of a happy family? Why should you maintain the ship while he's damaging it?
Stop feeling guilty, you haven't done anything wrong. The fact that you came across those messages that were meant to be private to him doesn't mean a thing, just because you bumped into his infidelity no matter what way doesn't mean you can go "Oh, sorry I shouldn't have found out this way, please continue what you're doing until I find out in a legitimate fashion" - he knows this is the truth himself.
Just because the infidelity isn't absolutely explicitly confirmed shouldn't undermine your intelligence. Which is exactly what he's doing, let him know firm and clear that you aren't so stupid, and that you're perfectly justified in thinking whatever you are thinking and that you won't accept being treated like a fool - and that he won't!
Take immediate and proper action, he's not taking you seriously so take serious action.
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (5 March 2009):
 Locking gadgets and putting passwords on phones and computers (that are used also for personal use) is not a good indication that the ship is sailing the same destination that you are. And this is the key question for you: do you want to be in a ship that takes you to nowhere or to somewhere you don't want to go? Even in a merchant ship, you are allowed to see its log book.
In addition to what Icelordess has already outlined, here are some inputs you might like to contemplate:
First things first. You need to get yourself checked medically for STDs/STIs. If you have not cheated and he is your only sexual partner for the past 5-10-15 years, and your test came back positive for a particular STD/STI, you have an answer there already of your husband's infidelity. (Different STD/STI has different incubation periods). Then, ask your husband to get tested too. Even if his came back negative, it could little because he could already have it treated. If his came back positive (and of the same category as yours), there you have it. So you need to be very very brave on this. Bring a friend when you get yourself tested if necessary.
Secondly, find the nearest legal aid organization in your area to seek advice on what your rights are, should you need to abandon ship. You do not need to tell your husband about this visit. And you will have no invoices that will show up in your bank statements for this visit. You may need to come back more than once, or wait a bit as they may be understaffed.
Last but not least, deeply truly honestly: are you willing to be disrespected by him for the sake of providing a stable home (or the perception of one) to your children? How old are your children? You will be amazed at how perceptive they are at their parent's feelings, even in their young age. If they "know" that Dad is "not nice" to Mom and Mom does not do anything about it, just think of the message that you are giving to your children.
If he truly means what he says about you being the one for him, and no one else matters, there should be no secrecy surrounding his whole actions. No locked gadgets. No passwords. Your husband is the one that needs to prove that he is worthy of your trust, the other way around.
[I personally have never been in a serious relationship where we could not use each other's phones or emails freely. I travel a lot for my work .. that is, when I am working LOL .. and yes, I have seen my fair share of men as well as women - who think that affairs are just part of their lifestyle. Unfortunately, I doubt if their partners at home know this].
I know this is your life and you know best how to live it, but you are now not just living your life. You have your children also to think of. So whatever you decide, you and your children are now part of the package your total well being and happiness. Your husband can climb back aboard should he wished to with you and your children, but only if he abides by the sacred rules of a sacred instutition called marriage.
You deserve to be happy, loved, safe, protected, and most of all, respected.
Cat
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