A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:ok. i dont want this to sound horrible but it probably will.Im very very into fitness and working out. i have a very good body and feel its really important to stay in shape not just for myself but for my partner.my girlfriend however, without trying to sound harsh is really lazy. shes gorgeously pretty and is by no means fat but she has put quite a bit of weight on and has absolutely no desire or has not even thought about going to the gym or doing any excercise. she knows shes put on weight cos she mentions it now and then. i never say anything i tell her she looks beautifull, and she does, but I do think shes just gonna keep putting weight on and I know she wont do anything about it.Her friends all go to the gym or do excercise classes and things but she just cant be bothered to do anything at all. she litterally sits in work all day then comes home and sits down.It gets to me because I do so much excersise and working out and a lot of it is for myself but its also because i want2 look good for her. Its not the way she looks that really bothers me because i like a little bit of meat on my women i dont like stick thin girls or anything like that, but its just her attitude that gets to me, because she just cant be bothered.everything else about her I love but this just gets to me so much. is there anything at all I could do about it? there isnt really is there, without hurting her feelings or her thinking that im unhappy with the way she looks. I dont want2 leave her but her lazyness is driving me crazy!!!
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (28 July 2009):
 I understand that you cant help who you fall for but in my opinion this is an excuse that too many people use these days when they realise they are going out with someone who is the complete opposite of themselves!
While opposites do attract, there are fundamental parts of someone's personality and interests that have to be similar to your own in order for the relationship to work. In this case you have just found out that her attitude towards fitness is just something you cannot stand, as you said it gets under your skin!
So while you think I need to "get real", it unfortunately is you who needs to realise that you are in a relationship with someone who has a personality trait you cannot bear, and you chose to ignore it until now. If people slowed down their relationships, and took more time at the start to really think if that person is someone who has all the right characteristics and interests that they are looking for, before "falling in love", then more relationships would work out. People are too quick to fall in love and then moan about their partner's shortcomings in a few months time.
Be more selective when you are dating someone instead of rushing into a serious relationship, then you might actually find someone you can be with long term!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): Hi
I understand your concern... All you can do really is says lots of positive things to her, and say how nice it would be do go to the gym together as a couple, tell her it will be fun and how proud you would be to have her there by your side. Maybe even suggest a nice sauna after the work out aswell. It is difficult, just be careful not to pressurise as this can backfire. Good luck, I hope it works out for you, you sound happy in every other way.
Ali x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni think its a little far from reality to ask why did i get with her if im in to itness and she isnt. lets get real. no1 can help who they fall for and are attracted to. If i had gone for some girl that is in to fitness that doesnt mean i would like anything else about her. i could spend the rest of my life waiting for a girl that loves fitness and that im also atracted to and have anything else in common with. me and my girlfriend are compatible in everyither way except this. unfortunately tho it is a big thing to me, i wish it wasnt but when i see anyone with absolutely no drive to excercise it really gets under my skin. I know how I sound. I dont need to be told im weird cos I know I am!Lol. But everyone has things that get to them and this is just that thing that gets to me. just happens its something that hits a raw nerve with lots of people in society one way or the other.
i dont think mentioning going swimming or things like that is going to work because she will assume that im asking to try and get her to excercise even if i wasnt. im one of those annoying people who are always on at their mates to get down with the gym with me and stuff, so she would know wot im up too. maybe il just dress her in pvc, tie her to a treadmil and whip her bottom and say its just a new sex thing im into!lol
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): I can understand your feelings. In the same situation only I am married. Nothing you can do, it really has to be within her. It's hard I know but hang in there. Maybe get her a rescue dog and try going for walks/hikes?? Be creative and be careful, I know they get very sensitive about the issue.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): It's not okay to judge someone for their weight.
But it is okay to complain when your partner is quickly changing away from the person you began to date, and it's not because of some extenuating issue like sickness or childbirth.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (27 July 2009):
Well that does make me wonder why, when you clearly are so into working out, did you ever feel attracted to someone that doesnt share that same mentality? Working out twice a day is pretty extreme, and I'm sure you have been like this for a while so why is it that you entered into a relationship with someone that doesnt like to exercise?
I bet the only reason it bothers you now is because she has put on weight, whereas before even though she didnt exercise she still looked good. People make this mistake all the time, it is very important to be with someone who you have lots in common with and someone who you share interests with; and your lack of shared interests is now becoming a problem.
But you knew this from the start, so in essence you have made your bed and now you have to lie in it! Try all the ideas the posters have given you on here and hopefully it will work out for you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOfcourse she doesnt support me!lol. I work 8 till 6. i run before work and workout in the gym for an hour after. she works part time from 9 until 1. wer both 22 and dont live together.
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A
female
reader, Nora_Bird  +, writes (27 July 2009):
 Well I can some what relate to you. Although my boyfriend is not overweight by any means, it bothers me that he doesn't participate in physical activity at all really. But lately instead of going on usual dinner dates or movie dates, we have been going to the park to play catch or on long hikes on the weekend. Recently we have joined a co-ed baseball team, its a lot of fun but healthy as well. I think you are more concerned about her unhealthy life style because it seems to me that you really love her otherwise. So I suggest that you plan dates with her that involve some phsyical activity.
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20  +, writes (27 July 2009):
 Where do you get all of this time to exercise? Do you have a job yourself, or is she supporting you?
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A
female
reader, Ravenxx91 +, writes (27 July 2009):
 first of all i would like to say you shouldn't feel you have to look good for her she most likely loves you no matter how you look - vice versa.
As regards your partner maybe shes overworked or depressed due to routine (going work, coming in sitting down) ect.
i agree with others maybe doing things together that aren't solely gym? going swimming? going out walking?
fun things. stay together and stay with her on things it might be what she needs x
even then you could ask her why she aint been going gym with you or going out so much and help her through it x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): Why do all exercise Nazis think they know what is best for others? HER choice, not yours. As you have already said she looks good, I don't see the problem and if you continue to interfere in her lifestyle choices you could be exercising alone.My only suggestion along the lines of what you wish for would be to engage in some fun activity together that burns the calories - yes, I know sex does that and it's a good option, but I was thinking of swimming?
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A
female
reader, Original shiraz! +, writes (27 July 2009):
I understand what it is your saying but however you broach the subject itll always be taken the wrong way. It may not be that shes lazy as such shes simply fallen into a routine in which she goes to work all day then has that time to herself, people fall into a pattern and they see no need for change.
Rather than being blunt about it and causing a bigger issue id change tactics and say something along the lines of m off to the gym i havent seen much of you fancy coming with me? Its a good bonding time and at the same time shell be working out, you dont know it might be something she enjoys and makes a habit of.
Be careful how you approach the topic, its sensitve and can really damage a woman, she will think the worst of what your saying, that you dont love her for who she is etc be gentle and supportive.
Its even more difficult in that its of great importance to you whereas shes more laied back, were all different and we all chose to live out lives seperate ways its when the two collide that the issues start, dont make this into something that it doesnt need to be.
Best of luck
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (27 July 2009):
There is no way to speak to her about this without seriously hurting her feelings and making things very difficult between the two of you.
You are going to have to try and be subtle about it, how about at weekends taking her out for long walks or something? While it is summer it is the perfect time to be outside, so why not tell her you are taking her out for the day and you are going for a nice long walk in the country (or local park if you cant get out in the countryside)?
Maybe suggest you do a 5k/10k run together? You could try and find one in your area online and then say something like "I've seen this 10k online today and I would really like to do it but I dont want to do it alone, will you do it with me?" Try and find ways to be active together, so it doesnt look like you are picking on her for not doing any activity and you can make it fun by doing it together.
I got into a similar situation as your girlfriend when I was with my ex. The problem was I was very unhappy and working long hours during the day, then coming home and having to do chores around the house for him. So the more I had to do at work and at home, the more lazy I became. I ate because I was unhappy, and ended up putting on 2 stone. In the end I realised I did too much for him, and forgot about myself. The relationship ended I have lost 1 of the 2stone, and I'm trying to get rid of the rest!
So while I'm sure this isnt the case for you, maybe talk to her to see if she is still happy (it might not be troubles with you, it could be at work, family etc). Aside from that, dont mention anything about her weight. One other thing you could try is cooking for her more often, and cook nice healthy meals for you both.
I totally understand your point here, it is unfair when one person in the relationship lets things slip and stops caring about their appearance. It is a very lazy attitude and shows a lack of respect for their partner, which is obviously very difficult for you to deal with. Often the only way for that person to realise what they are doing is to actually lose that person - drastic but often true.
I think you should try your best with the cooking and exercise, you clearly love her so it is worth fighting for. You need to help her as much as you can - often men dont realise what they are doing to make a girl put on weight! Because she is your girlfriend, I'm sure you like treating her from time to time so maybe you buy her chocolate, a bottle of wine, take her out for meals, buy a takeaway etc. Now I'm not saying stop treating her! But think about what you are buying for her, maybe swap food related gifts to jewellery, clothes, dvds, CD's etc.
I do wonder though, has her attitude towards her weight and fitness recently changed or has she always been that way? Because if you are into fitness and enjoy keeping yourself in shape then how did you not notice her attitude before? Surely this is one interest that both people need to share otherwise you could easily predict the problems!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, samdaman +, writes (27 July 2009):
well I am the same I like my woman to have some love handles as well. i think instead of trying to getting her into a gym you should try to do bit more of outdoor activities even walking I think once she gets this then slowly she will start coming with you to the gym as well. everyone's bit different in their thinking of how they want to live their lives but yes bit of exercise is good for everyone.
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