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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello all,I need some major advice. I am 29 and a decent paying job. I have a 12 year old that I have raised by myself. I am currently 13 weeks pregnant and fully comitted for about 3 years. This would be his first child. His job is not that great at all and I fear that we will not be together forever. I do not want to end up raising another child by myself. And I know that is what will end up happening. I am considering an abortion. I have never had one and thought I was strongly against them until I ended up in this situation. I was told after my first born that I could never have children again. Even tho I know I will be judged for this, I need some outside thoughts on this... thank you in advance!
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female
reader, khot  +, writes (7 May 2013):
 Hey I actually need advice from you. The father of your 1st child what happened to him? Is he supporting or visiting the child at all? If not does your child ask about his dad? Was he ever there and left later or he denied the pregnancy before the baby was even there? I am pregnant and this guy is telling me he is not part of it I'm so hurt but what worries me is that is my baby gona be ok? I don't know much about his dad and the man moved from where he stays to far away, so he says and I can't reach him he has blocked my number and clearly wants nothing to do with us so my question is how did you do it how did you survive this and how is your child doing without a father?
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (18 April 2013):
IMO, you need to get the order of operations correct.
1 - Commitment to you (marriage)
2 - Lifelong commitment to a child.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): I think it will depend upon why you think your relationship won't last. If you're just worried that that's what happened last time, you may be worrying about nothing. If you know that the man you've been committed to for 3 years is about to walk out on you, or you on him then that's different.
If you don't want to raise a child as a single mother then abortion is probably the most sensble solution. If you're just worried about what happened last time you were pregnant then talk to the father. Maybe he's already made his feelings clear on children, in which case there isn't much point discussing it. If you're letting your own fears and concerns inform you of what he will do or how he will act, then I think you owe it to yourself, him and the unborn child to be certain.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): OP your decision is not being made with full facts in mind. First off you won't be raising this child alone as they have a 12 year old older sibling who will do a hell of a lot of the work. Trust me OP, I was that 12 year old older sibling and I was an extra pair of hands that you wouldn't believe how useful I was. I changed nappies, I took my sisters to school, dressed them, bathed them and by the time your new kid is 3 or 4 you'll have a ready made baby sitter. A 12 year age gap in siblings means there'll be no rivalry, your 12 year old will be delighted to have a little ball of cuteness around and believe it or not siblings that much older really do take all the hassle you experienced with your first child out of raising your second.
I'm not going to give you an opinion on what I think you should do OP, if you feel abortion is best go ahead, but do your homework OP, you've already been told you can't have kids again, so this is likely your last shot at having another.
Do not discount the fact that you already have a child who will soon be a teenager and a very useful extra pair of hands.
Now regardless of how long your relationship lasts, this guy may in fact be a very paternal guy who takes an active role in raising his child regardless of whether you're together or not.
I think personally your reasons are not as profound obstacles as you think they are. The idea of raising this kid alone like you did before is frankly a bullshit one. Not only do you have your child ready to help out, you are currently in a relationship with this guy still, plus you're not the young mother struggling to raise a kid anymore, you're a mother 12 years now OP, you know what it takes to raise a child, it will be ten times easier this time because you've gone through it before.
Before you make any decision OP, you need to see your situation for what it really is. It sounds to me you're panicking about the worst case scenario here OP, but the worst case scenario you envisage is not the reality of your situation.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (17 April 2013):
This is hard and I'm afraid there isn't a clear cut answer that will satisfy all your needs.
I haven't had an abortion myself, but I've helped my best friend deal with a similar situation (pregnant but she was also sure her relationship wouldn't last) and my sister is raising two children alone. My best friend ended up having an abortion, because she didn't want to bring a child into a less-than-ideal situation. She also knew she wasn't going to be able to give that child all the love and attention it deserved. Her boyfriend left soon after that, as he would have if she'd kept the baby. She had a hard time with it, because it's a life you're ending.
However, there are so many broken people roaming this world because of the bad choices their parents made and sometimes it really is better to not exist than to being unwanted and being born in a situation that isn't stable. She has been able to follow her dreams and become stable financially because of terminating the pregnancy.
My sister on the other hand was very anti-abortion and chose to keep her second child. Her boyfriend left her (good riddance too, he turned out to be a drug dealer) and she barely made enough money to keep afloat. She's stressed a lot, she works long hours, and often is too tired to give her kids the attention they crave. The oldest is also tasted with basically raising the youngest because my sister is too busy making sure they don't lose the apartment. This puts a lot of stress on both her and her kids and they're already showing behavioral problems. I'm afraid that when they become teenagers, they'll go out of control.
There are days where I think all of them would have been better off if she'd aborted. I know that's not a nice thing to say and I love them, but when I see them struggling I know it's not something I'd want my kid to grow up in. I help out when I can, but I live across the country so there's not that much I can do. When I'm with them, they suck up the attention, but especially the oldest seems quite sullen because of all the responsibility laid on her shoulders.
In short, you're going to have to really consider what the impact of bringing another child into this will have on your and your 12-year-old's life. If you think that despite everything, you can juggle it, it's worth taking a chance. But you have to be sure that you can give the child the attention it needs and deserves without burdening your oldest.
Also, take in account that your oldest child is entering the most turbulent period of their life and will need you more than ever in the coming years. If you feel you're unable to do this, I personally think having an abortion is worth considering. Just don't underestimate the guilt that may come with it. My best friend was an emotional wreck for months after she terminated the pregnancy, because she kept thinking about how she killed a person. Everyone deals with it differently. Some people barely have an issue with it at all, while others carry it with them as a heavy burden throughout their lives. I don't know you, so I can't judge how this will impact you.
Whatever you do, don't act on impulse. Think on it long and hard, the cons and the pro's and make an educated decision. Then, whatever comes of it, you'll never have to fault yourself for not thinking it through.
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female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (17 April 2013):
 I'm on the opposite side of the spectrum from Sageoldguy1465. I think that if you are not wanting this baby enough to be considering abortion, you may very well be doing yourself and this unborn child a favor by terminating the pregnancy. There's nothing more unfortunate than a child growing up in a less-than-ideal situation just because his or her parents can't (or won't) properly provide for or love him or her.Carrying a baby and caring for a child are two major engagements, one for nine months and the other for a lifetime, that are only worth making if your heart is one hundred percent committed.That said, don't make the decision based just on whether or not the relationship will last. Do you know for a fact that the father will not want anything to do with the child? My sister thought the same thing about her ex-boyfriend/the father of her now 9 month old daughter, but he's really come through despite giving my sister the cold shoulder up until the day he saw his daughter delivered.Of course adoption is an option, but I don't think that people who suggest that have any idea how tough of a choice that is as well. I mean, you're still carrying the baby for nine months, growing attached to him or her through that time.The choice is yours, I wish you nothing but courage in your decision making. Best of luck!By the way, for future partners, is birth control out of the question?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2013): Please do what your heart tells you to do. I was married to an abusive man, he made me pregnant, I wanted to terminate the pregnancy but I did not. I ended up alone with my baby as when my baby was only 18 months old, his dad left us, we moved 12 times due to lack of housing and having had to give up my job to raise my child on my own.
My ex did not even come to see our child, and my child who is a teenager is suffering from severe depression.
Please do not listen to anti-abortion people, it is your life, do what is best for you and your existing child.
All the best.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2013): Its certainly not an easy situation to be in at all. Do what you feel is best, but its very hard. I had an abortion using the abortion pill. They said I was 8 weeks and 6 ( but they never did an ultrasound and I think I was farther along) But at the time I was young and didnt know that it should have been a red fkag as you are only able to take the abortion pill up to 9weeks. It was an awful experience for me and I also saw the "baby" Even five years later it still bothers me- my boyfriend at the time was just an awful person and I was raised to believe abortion was a solution to unwanted pregnancy, although no one really explained it. I didnt realize the weight if it until I had one. It was more painful than both of my labors of which Ive had naturally and without pain medication. I know for me, it wasnt the right choice and I would have much rather given the baby up for adoption. But ultimately you need to do whats right for you. Ive known other women that have had them and didnt have terrible pain/experiences. It depends on you and what you can get through, individually. You will need a lot of support no matter what you decide. Make sure you have friends, family, someone close you can talk to confidentially. Surround yourself with positivity and people who will be there for you. I wish you all you all the best.XOXO
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (16 April 2013):
Dear OP,
Abortion might seem to be the fastest and easiest solution to a complex problem. But if you don't want to raise a child alone, you have at least two more options:
1) fix the relationship with your husband/boyfriend! right now it sounds as if you're just jumping to conclusions instead of knowing anything for sure! talk about your doubts with him and see what can be done. you already spent three years together and you're pregnant with his first child, so why are you so sure that this relationship is doomed? (by the way, does he know about the pregnancy? what would he say about abortion?). maybe he would even agree to be the primary caregiver if the two of you separated.
2) give the child up for adoption. there are so many people who wish to have a baby.
You had your first kid when you were 17. that's very young and I can imagine it was terribly hard to raise it on your own.
I can understand you don't want to go through that again and I don't judge you if you're 100% sure this is what you need to do.
But you've already waited 13 weeks where you could have made that decision, so I feel like you're hesitating.
This is a lot to carry on your shoulders alone, you might want to involve other people. Not some dull ones that give bad advice or push you in one direction, but look for a person who can really listen to you. Maybe a counsellor or a very good friend.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (16 April 2013):
 I would imagine that the most useful advice you can get here is from a woman who has had an abortion - I hope one will chime in.
For what it's worth I think the best outcome for a child is when they are raised by someone who is emotionally able to provide a loving, welcoming and supportive environment. If you are sure you cannot do that, and if you can't see putting the child up for adoption, then abortion is a reasonable alternative.
Do try to speak to someone knowledgeable first -- some women come to regret the decision.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2013): First off, I disagree with what "Sageoldguy" stated. It is your choice and you, and only you know what is best for you and your situation. We know you are capable of raising a child by yourself as you have, but you know what is best.
I wish you the best of luck sweetie!
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 April 2013):
 DON'T make your baby "pay" with his/her life for YOUR conjecture that your man (and you!) aren't sufficiently committed to one-another (AND to your baby!).... to remain together and be "parents" to this child.......
Heck, I'm as pro-abortion-choice as anyone you'll meet... but I'd NEVER recommend that YOU go through with this, on the "merits" that you've given.....
Good luck....
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