A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been in somewhat of a long distance relationship for the past 2 years since I only see my boyfriend every weekend (we live an hour away). We talk to each other almost every night via facetime so we can see each other. He used to always be on his bed while calling me but now he's always on his computer and doing things. He's not even looking at me. He just seems distracted by anything, like if he gets a text while we're on the phone, he'll pause facetime to read it. I'm getting a little tired of looking at him looking at his computer. So I just say "you seem busy, I'm going to let you go" and cut the call short. To me it's common courtesy to give all your attention to the person you're talking to. I just think that doing other things while you're on facetime is rude. How do I explain that to him without looking like I'm making a scene?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (29 October 2013):
 Yeah, I think you should scale back the contact as well. When you see each other and chat that often you quickly run out of interesting things to talk about.
If you two were living together you wouldn't be gazing into each other's eyes and having long stimulating conversations every second day. Much of your 'couple time' would be spent watching tv together, eating dinner, or going about your own business. Maybe he'd be watching tv or fixing something, while you'd be reading or on the phone with a friend, or going through your email. You'd be engaging in other activities with the comfort of knowing the other was nearby.
The amount of time you two spend together either in person or online leaves neither of you much time for anyone or anything else. So, yes, it is common courtesy to give the person you're with your undivided attention, but it is also common courtesy not to monopolize that person's time.
You might want to cut back on the weekend visits as well. Surely you both have friends and family you enjoy spending time with and there is something to be said for the occasional quiet weekend at home alone.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 October 2013):
 I have a friend who is married to a man who lives two hours away from her. they skype every night but often they get up and walk away or talk to others or watch tv together.
i can understand that if it's every night.
when my husband and i were dating and LDR we talked on the phone nightly...some nights it was over an hour...some nights a mere few minutes....
part of the issue is that you are probably trying to do it for a long period of time nightly or almost nightly and that it becomes mundane and boring... there is only so much you can say EVERY day to the person.
maybe since you do this every night it's just filler for him now. Perhaps since you see each other every weekend it might be better to cut back to tuesdays and thursdays and not try to do it every night.
you are in your 30s and it's been two years... what's the plan to end the distance... if there is NONE... then perhaps he's just wasting your time?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 October 2013):
 It is awfully rude, when you are communicating with anybody, -possibly more so with your gf.
You don't need to make a scene. You can calmly tell him ( before he does it again, not when you catch him in the act ) " you know, I have noticed that you do X and Y. I am sure that you don't mean to be disrespectful or dismissive,it's just a habit you've got ,... but that's how it comes off , disrespectful- and all habits can be changed if one wants. I'd like , when we talk, to have your full attention on me, same as MY fill attention is on you ". Something similar.
If he gets mad, offended , annoyed... well you really will have to start rethinking if you want a bf who treats you like watching the news on TV every day - somewhat useful and convenient, but you don't actually have to STAY there body and mind, you can attend to more pressing business in the meantime.
I agree though with the posters who says you should not hang all your entertainment- communication - emotional needs on this guy. Sure , he is your bf and you want to feel connected, but , hopefully, you have a life beyond romance . If may be that this long daily talk has become a ritual that offers reassurance, but some times you really don't have anything particular to say. In this case it may be better to talk less , or less often, but when you both REALLY want and need to communicate from the heart, not just to kill time.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (23 October 2013):
 You're absolutely right; it is rude to be distracted and text etc. while on the phone with ANYONE - let alone your girlfriend. It's definitely common courtesy and I would feel the same as you.
You asked how you can explain that to him without making a scene. Well that's where simple communication comes into play. Just because something is bothering you doesn't mean it has to be a fight. Just calmly explain to him that it makes you feel unimportant or not a priority when he gets distracted while you're talking. I would also do this before it happens again, not in the moment. If you wait til you're in the moment, you are liable to let your frustration get the better of you and it may not come out calmly or collected. And it may make him defensive. So bring it up just as you're having a basic chat one day, very casually. As long as it's a calm, cool discussion, he shouldn't think you're creating a scene.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2013): You're not making a scene at all! It IS rude to divide your attention when someone is trying to talk to you, whether it's via facetime or in-person. Unless they say, "Hey, I may get a text from my boss/daughter/etc, so excuse me if I answer it." You definitely want to bring this up with your man because if ti bothers you and it's got an easy fix, he needs to know. Say something like, "Adam, I feel like we're being interrupted all the time when you are texting someone else while talking to me. I wish you would put aside some guaranteed un-interrupted time so that we can facetime each other. If he refrains from texting when you two are seeing each other in-person, you might want to ask him if he can do that on facetime too - pay attention to you.It's definitely not an outrageous request and it shouldn't cause a scene. If he's going to make a scene out of it, you may want to think about whether or not this is a deal breaker. I hope he just listens to you, though
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2013): Try letting him know how it feels not to always have your attention.He is being rude and insensitive. If he's busy, he should just say so; not let you keep yourself company, while watching him do other things.You also need to find ways to occupy your time and stop focusing so hard on being a girlfriend. You're not his property, nor his wife. You have a right to spend time with friends, pursue hobbies, and do the things you like to do.You will be taken for granted when people know how stuck on them you are. Always giving of yourself; and trying too hard to be loyal and accessible. He's totally spoiled.They sometimes have to see you slipping away to realize what it's like when you're not around. If you're too needy to find ways to keep yourself entertained without him; you have to take some responsibility for the fact you have nothing else to do. He lives an hour away. Life goes on.Even if he didn't, you should have a life of your own. Stop trying to fill all your free-time with begging for his attention. Make him wonder what you're up to for a change.Be mysterious.
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