A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm having a bit of a problem with my girlfriend. I feel really under appreciated and unimportant. She cancels plans last minute and when I get upset and express it, she makes me feel needy and stupid for caring. So then I hold it in, which makes me feel even worse. It's a lose/lose for me. On top of that, she never makes me feel important. I do everything I can to show her I care and love her. I constantly remind her she is beautiful, I write her letters, I'm always affectionate, I open doors for her, make free time for her. I bring her flowers constantly. I always show her I care. Always. But I never get the same respect and appreciation back. I never get random affection. She never just tells me she loves me or finds me attractive. She doesn't ever do anything or say anything sweet ever. She never just initiates affection. She just assumes I am supposed to know she cares, I guess. However, it hurts. A lot. And I'm a very low maintainance person, so it's not like I demand too much. I know that for sure. And its not even that she's showing it in ways I just don't notice. She is literally not showing it at all. And once again, I don't feel like I can communicate this to her, as I feel like she will get mad and hang up or make me feel needy once again. And I'm not a needy person. I just want to feel wanted and desired and appreciated the way I know I make her feel.
View related questions:
flowers Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (23 October 2013):
You're with the wrong person buddy. If you stay with her this will be the way it is for as long as you're with her. You either have to accept it or leave her.
I suggest leaving her, because I doubt you could accept it, nor should you have to.
Some people are just too different to be happy together, even if they're in love. There's nothing you can say or do to change it, because neither person is right or wrong, they're just different.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 October 2013):
 my husband is a bit like your gf. It's frustrating I agree.
Sadly I think there is not much you can do. Her style is to be cool and aloof, yours is like mine, up in your face making sure they KNOW we are theirs and there.
I think sadly if you are that unable to cope with her aloofness (or it's new in an established relationship) it's the death knell starting on this relationship.
IF you can't talk to her because she finds you needy due to this, then it's a question of style... time to consider ending the unsatisfying relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2013): I agree with EverythingtoldI myself am NOT an affectionate person - it's just not my nature. I just don't have it in me to show affection the way other people do. I'm not a flirty person either, so people never understand how I am feeling about things. In fact I don't really show any feelings. It doesn't mean I don't love my partner, I love him to bits. He was also many years ago feeling underappreciated by me and kept it too himself for a long time. When he finally broke down and told me, I explained how I felt about the situation. I show my affection and love for him by being a shoulder to cry on when he needs it and just generally being there for him. He understands now and we have been together for many years. Although saying this, if you have spoken to your girlfriend about it and she doesn't listen to you. Then I think alarm bells should be ringing in your head. If she loved you, she would care about how you felt and do anything she can to rectify the situation.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2013): I was in the same boat with an ex not too long ago. I didn't throw my whole being into the relationship and I didn't interfere into every aspect of his life, but I still felt under-appreciated. I was always the one who called, the one who invited him over, the one who initiated sex. He told me years later that he doesn't have that kind of energy and that he really just liked his space. he told me that he compartmentalized his friendships, relationships, and everything else in his life. It may be that your woman has a similar way of thinking. I do NOT think you are asking too much, but if I were your girl, I would feel a bit smothered. Not because you're bad, but because flowers and constant attention/affection makes me uncomfortable and nervous even if it's done nicely. And your girl just might not have it in her to do all that. I'm sure she loves you, but she has a different style of showing it. even if you think she'll think you're a drama queen, I would tell her it's very important to talk about something with her and that you want to know if she cares for you and wants to be in a relationship. I'm not saying to make an ultimatum, I just mean that there needs to be more balance and understanding. you BOT need to bend a little. And if you tell her she's being hurtful and she minimizes it, maybe it's time to re-think your relationship with her. I'm sorry
...............................
A
male
reader, Overlay +, writes (23 October 2013):
If you'll pardon me for asking, from the way you describe the situation, in what sense is this woman your girlfriend? To me, that term implies at least some degree of reciprocity as far as feelings go. From your narrative, I'm not seeing that at all on her part. What positive aspects or characteristics does she possess, or what concrete action has she taken toward you to result in your feeling affection toward her, or in your believing that she feels affection toward you? If your "relationship" with her consists entirely of how you feel about her, along with just a dream or desire on your part of how you would like her to respond to you, with no evidence to suggest that she actually feels that way, I think that you would need to re-examine your situation in light of the facts as you described them, and determine whether you want to keep investing time and effort on this woman that you could instead be using to find someone else who will be more responsive to you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2013): It sounds like there is no longer any attraction between you.We as gay people, often cling to relationships long after they lose signs of life, for many reasons. It seems apparent she doesn't feel a reason to return affection.Perhaps, because she doesn't have any. You're doing more than enough for the both of you.If you live in a small town, and there are few dating options among gay women; she may be smug and just taking you for granted.You may be ignoring the signs she's having an affair, and she's just using you. Some people carry on side-relationships, and continue to let their love-stricken partners blindly play-out an imaginary relationship. If that person is buying them presents and going out of their way to prove their love, they'll take you for a sucker.You're also going overboard trying to prove how much you care. You're now realizing you might be wasting your time and feelings on an "ice-queen."Time to cut your losses. You're trying to get juice out of a rock. The woman is either incapable of feeling, or has no feelings for YOU.In either case, you have no choice but to end it. You can't force people to love you. No matter how hard you try. Sometimes they don't know what they've got, until it's gone.
...............................
|
