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anonymous
writes:I'm in a relationship (for 6 years already) and my boyfriend has an 11 year old daughter. I'm very lucky in the sense that she loves me very much. We get along great and I feel she trusts me 100%. I, myself, does not have any kids of my own and tries to be as loving as I can be to her (more like friends). Only that I'm not a very cuddly, hugging person due to the way I was raised. When she asks me to cuddly things all the time, I feel annoyed. I know it's wrong to feel that way and that I'm luckier than a lot of people, but I can't help feeling like this. I need my personal space too.I do not live with my boyfriend currently, so when I do see her, she would like to do things with me (girl things), tell me about her problems in school, how she doesn't like her body weight, do baking together, etc... I'm happy that we can have this kind of relationship, but I feel like she sometimes manipulate me which I absolute do not take well. For example, she'll tell me that her mom doesn't love her, or that her schoolmate hates her, or that she'll cry herself to sleep many nights. It is all very emotional and I don't know how much is really true and what I should say back. Since she is at the age of almost becoming a teenager and I see behaviors of that already. For example, I caught and addressed to her wiping her mouth after eating a fruit on the sofa cushions is wrong (which I find absolutely disguising). She ignored me completely and continue to do so. She'll tell me her daddy would let her do certain things that I know for sure it's not true. I would tell her that 'I do not believe so' right away. But instead of arguing with her in that moment, I decided to bring it up in front of my boyfriend when all 3 of us are there. I feel like I put her on the spot and told on her, but I will not allow her to manipulate me any ways she wants. Am I doing the right thing? Will I destroy our trusting relationship? At the same time, I believe it's important to set boundaries. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, supermum  +, writes (23 November 2011):
 I still think you are crediting an 11 year old with wayyyyyyy to much cunning! I am not sure whether or not you have been manipulated in the past and are paranoid as a result, but with kids, things are often exactly as they appear to be. The cunning, sly manipulative behaviour comes in the teen years. She is 11. Treat her like she is 11.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2011): NO NO NO.Dad is the parent, you are the supporting role. You and Dad need to come up with how do we problem solve, how do we communicate.I think counselling is definitely the way to go now for sure. Because with couples counselling, you both can work on a parenting plan, dating schedule, how to problem solve, what works best for communication.I have another book to suggest to you.The 7 Habits of Highly Effecitve Families by Stephen R. Covey as it is a book meant to bring couples and family together and give you a map or plan on how to safegaurd the family and make WE decisions, family loyalty, how to communicate needs, forgive, listen...all of it.You and the BF need to read a few pages a night together.Lets face the reality- you are both working towards a WE, a unified front, loving home and Daughter is definitely a part of the home so should be part of the solution/ input.This book will help you both out.Counselling, book.Also, if teen hasn't come to you about her weight/body issues and she is eating dessert, which at that age is AGE APPROPRIATE and not really an issue from where I stand; then you shouldn't have brought it to the BF.I think you also need to be honest with the BF in that, if his Daughter feels comfortable coming to you, tell him she is doing so with issues but also, it puts you in an awkward situation because if you try to help her or parent her - it makes you a bad guy or you the Judge or Police over his parenting. So you both need to work together. Remind him its what you want and you need to know what to do in such a situation. That you encourage his daughter does have a realtionship with you, but its unfair for her to talk to you like you are her Best Friend or parent and then get caught in the middle.So again, counselling will help clear up such concerns and its good to have a Referee on hand to encourage listening skills as well as speaking to be heard skills.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (22 November 2011):
 I'm quite good around kids, and most of the time, I'm not afraid to discipline, even if it makes their parent's uncomfortable. I'm experienced, so I know ways to talk to them without it being a problem. You can't discipline for everything, and you can't nag about every issue. You got to try and get the kids to want to make you proud and want your respect. Then a lot of the time, they will do the things you ask without you having to tell them. I always try to make everything fun, including washing up cups and stuff. And since I'm lazy, I do work kids as hard as I can.But that's me - the way I do things fit in with my personality. You need to do things a bit differently.Chalice is right - Supernanny is the best. Pick up a copy of her book, or try to catch the show if it is on TV in your country. Also Dr Phil has a good understanding about kids and the way they think, and how is the best way to apply discipline.If you keep nagging about the little stuff, she will rebel or she will ignore you. You then get labelled as the bad guy and she will always associate you with telling off. But then, she needs to learn good manners, housekeeping, and all the important stuff. It's too hard to tell you everything here. It would take too long.Thanks very much for talking to her dad on the comments about her weight. It's very dangerous when parents do that. The food at night issue, again that's hard. It could be a sign of food problems, leading to bulmenia, and a lifetime of comforting eating. Or it could be a bad diet during the day. It's hard for you to tackle these things if your not living in the house. She needs 3 meals a day, with extra snacks, everything should be healthy, she should have her treats, and all eating should stop after a certain time of night. This needs to be done regularly, so it becomes habit.The wedding thing - I think your worrying to much. At weddings we just let the kids eat everything, and hope they don't get sick. Weddings are supposed to be fun, it's too hard to police them at such events. At weddings I don't even want the kids next to me, they should be playing with other kids. She didn't want to eat, then later she changed her mind. That's all I see.I don't see game playing in that example. Instead I see you worrying too much and reading things into everything she does. Parenting and childrearing is a touchy subject, people raise kids in very different ways. The raise kids the way their parents raised them, and everyone has different parents.Your end rules are good - but I go even further. All eating and drinking must be done at the table. No eating in rooms, no eating and watching TV. Gives me a chance to talk to the kids, find out about them and check to make sure there are no food issues.I want you to pick up them books. But also I want you to find a stepfamily association on the internet. Right now, your trying to find where the boundaries lie. If your relationship with the father is strong and committed, maybe you can share some of your concerns with him. Not as criticism, just something like " I love your daughter, as if she was mine, I want the best for her, but I don't know if it's right to tell her off when she does silly things, or if I should leave it to you... I really want to be a positive influence in her life..... " and take it from there. What your trying to do is hard. Your trying to be a stepmother from afar. It's difficult for you, because you need to balance friendship and discipline, and you also got to be careful not to let her dad feel like he's being criticized.Remember at the end of the day, it's his kid not yours. It's not your place to take over, your role is to provide mostly friendship and support.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've finally had a talk with my boyfriend about his daughter's behavior that I'm concern about. I didn't go into the negative side of it and only stick to one concern. I told him that I'm concern about his daughter's eating habit and her concern about her body image at such a young age. I mentioned to him maybe he shouldn't make fun of her for eating sweets and chips. By doing so, she'll only eat more when she is not in front of anyone. This could result in a really serious eating disorder. We were at a wedding together and when we got up to get desserts, she said she doesn't want any. But during the night, I noticed she's always not around us, but were at the back of the hall eating dessert on her own. He listened and agreed to have a talk with her if it's true. However, he doesn't think his daughter is feeling that way because he buys her a treat every week (her choice), and have no problem eating in front of him. She's a very smart girl. I now wonder if she is playing games with me. Maybe she wants me to feel she's neglected and wants me to feel sorry for her. But what if that's how she really feels?Also, I feel my boyfriend is offended that I commented on his parenting skills. I understand it's hard to be a single father. He only has lived with her full time for 2 years. However, I don't feel I should keep my mouth shut about the concerns. I just hope there's an easier way doing this. Maybe I should wait until I live with them to set up rules. With rules like: no eating on the carpet, wash your own dishes after it's used, drink milk from a glass and not in the jug.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2011): Okay, The BF is slacking off his Parental duties by letting you do all the lifting in that, HE SHOULD be the one taking daughter out shopping, holding her hand, and keeping her busy. Not you. Seriously.
So I think Daughter is lonely. I see that maybe she does in fact feel lost, displaced, and unloved because she can't even be honest about her Dad not even being there and turns to you for comfort. That she trusts you so much is amazing but its so unfair to you, and to her because that is DADS job.
Maybe Mom resents her too. Maybe Mom would rather zone out and watch TV instead of spending quality time with her daughter. I could totally see if Dad is this way, Mom may be the same way.
I really feel for this little girl that is doing her best to cope with emotionally absent parents- that is deemed neglect and is a form of child abuse.
I say get the Girl some counseling so someone is teaching her coping skills and communication skills. Before she gets older and resentful and starts to act out. Its usually 13-17 that teens of divorce get angry and rebel and cause all sorts of problems. You'd be doing her, you and the BF a HUGE favour.
Also pick up Super Nanny by Jo Frost and have a look at it. I used to own it but it got lost in a move. I ADORED that book. Totally has the age group and what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour and boundaries.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (16 November 2011):
Sorry.. your follow up came in late...
3 days with a kid that is not yours, whilst her father stays away. That is not fair, it's not right, no wonder she feels alone and you feel exhausted. If you were a single mother, at least you would know that you put yourself in that position. The kid has a father and mother, they are the ones who should be spending most of the time with her. You need to talk to your boyfriend seriously. This is not about the kid behavior, she is lonely, and she has a good reason. If your boyfriend can't spend quality time with her, he should leave her with her mother and not dump her on you.
3 days entertaining someone else's kid... That's bloody ridiculous... Go and have some strong words with him, and tell him to take care of his responsibilities.
Poor kid, I feel so sorry for her. What would she do if you weren't there to make her feel wanted.
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reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (16 November 2011):
 When she asks "can I"
and you are uncomfortable with it, instead of giving her a pat "sorry I'd rather do it myself" tell her why she can't do it.
"no sweetie I'm going to do it because I am afraid to let you use the big knife and i don't want you to hurt yourself"
when doing a home facial be proactive and if you need alone time you say to her
"I'm going to go do blah blah blah... I really need a little private time for this but after I am done we can do blah blah blah together...."
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reader, Miamine +, writes (15 November 2011):
One more thing.. it's been brought up that she may really have issues and you are the only friend she has to talk to. She says she has problems with friends, this is normal, all kids have this, but some kids do have problems with bullying. She says she also has problems with her mother. This is normal, girl children do have problems with mothers. Now it's up to you if you think that these are normal childhood concerns or serious problems to be resolved. If you think she's is having problems which are more serious than normal childhood concerns, talk to her gently, find out what is troubling her, tell her you'll sort it out, and then go and discuss it with her father. If she's being bullied by other kids, or her mother is abusive, it's not your place to fix it, (although you can help by being friendly and gaining her trust to discuss things with you) leave the responsibly with her parents (or father if the mother is not capable)She won't feel like your telling on her or giving away her secrets if you are able to fix things so she won't have to cry and be worried.
I tell kids, I'm not your friend, I'm an adult. I don't keep their secrets if I believe I can help. The most important thing is a happy kid, and if she is asking you to solve her problems, then solve them by telling her dad who is the only person you know can fix them.
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reader, goldie22 +, writes (15 November 2011):
You are right to set her boundaries or she will never respect you as an adult, she will continue to treat you as a play mate who she can boss around. Kids do test the boundaries. It is their way of working out how much they can can get away with. As long as you correct her strait away when she is misbehaving then she will learn what is acceptable and what isnt.
As for the hugging... I no its not nice to be hugged when you dont like it but if she is feeling offended then maybe you could give her one short hug hello and a short hug goodbye?
As for saying she is crying and her feelings that she is hated these are things that need to be addressed because she could be experiencing issues that she is trying to ask for your help with. Talk to her father and maybe he and his ex wife can sit with her as her parents and discuss her feelings. I think you are doing a brave thing taking on the young girl. As long as you treat her with kindness and understanding then im sure you'll get along fine
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all, thank you all for your comments. It means a lot to me when I hear I'm doing the right thing. I'm certainly not perfect, but I'll always try my hardest to make sure my boyfriend's daughter is being care for. She's a very mature girl. I love her dearly and cannot wish for a better daughter than that. After thinking about it last night, I think my biggest problem was that my boyfriend wasn't spending much time with us this weekend. His daughter and I were left alone for 3 days straight with my boyfriend only eating dinner with us and occasionally visiting. It might be that she feels neglected by her father, and I feel the same way as well. I feel like after a few shopping trips, watch 5-6 movies, cooking together, it was a lot for me to bear at the end of the day. I'm used to be alone doing things at my schedule. Whenever I do anything (for example cut a carrot, read I book, watch a show on my laptop, put my makeup on, do a quick home facial), she'll want to come and do it with me. She'll say: "Can I?" with everything. It gets very overwhelming after a while. The things I do not think it's safe to do (for example: slicing meat with a big chef knife), I have to be mean and say: "I'm sorry, but I rather do it myself". I understand she just wants to spend quality time with me, but after a long hard week at work, all I want to do is relax and have some time for myself. May I ask how would you say "no" to her without her feeling I don't want to spend time with her?(I am Asian and was raised in a very traditional family that parent do not show love verbally. As a child, you just get told what you can do and what you cannot do. My boyfriend and daughter was raised Canadian. They are much more lay back and carefree.)
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 November 2011):
kids try to play one parent off the other.
"daddy said I could"
presenting a united front is critical
also kids TEST... they LIKE rules... they PREFER rules but htey fight against them to TEST you...
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reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (15 November 2011):
11 and from a broken family, did you not know this when you got with your partner? I dont understand why you continued to be with this girls father if your not that maternal. She will at this age need stability with someone who CAN and IS willing to offer her hugs and kisses and girlie times, not a replacement mother but a friend, and as you have clearly stated it's not your thing then maybe you need to move on from this relationship and allow them to move on with someone who IS willing to be a good role model , and effectionate when needed to be with out obligation. She is going to be very emotional how could you possibly think she is making it up that she cries herself to sleep at night? I actually feel so sorry for this little girl, not only has her parents split up, she has an almost step mother who thinks she is lying for attention!!! I only hope and pray this child will somehow get through all this and grow to be a compassionate, caring and well educated young lady, with out the help of someone like yourself pushing her away, and accussing her of lying. And I hope she will not be using her childhood as an excuse to her child for not giving hugs and kisses and being there for them when the chips are down. She may not be your chid...BUT .. it's a good job she's not!!!!
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reader, Miamine +, writes (15 November 2011):
Absolutely spot on, your doing great and that's why she wants to be friends. Your not a huggy person, and that's alright, you can tell her that, she's not stupid, she will understand. Continue to correct her behavior if you feel it necessary, and yes it's a great idea to discuss these issues when her father is there. Yes, she is manipulating you, and she probably manipulates her father and her mother too, but that is normal. It's not that she's a bad kid, but she is aware that the adults in her life have complicated lives and are vulnerable, especially if they don't work together. You must explain to her, that saying bad things about her mother is very serious, and her father will have to investigate further.
Your doing wonderful, this young girl is very lucky to have someone as kind, caring and sensible in her life. You are the adult, you are not able to be the kind of friend to play childish games or hide away secrets or forgive bad behavior. Kids are smart, and they are sensitive to body language and emotions. They know when they are loved, they know when someone cares, they know that punishment is not hate. No matter what she says (I hate you, I won't be your friend) she know you care, and she likes you too, and she will forget and forgive you when you have to turn into an adult and tell her off. But kids are just like everyone, if they can take the piss and make you their slave, well, if they can get away with it, why not. If your finding it hard, talk to your man, and explain it like you did here with us. We haven't heard a word of criticism, just a woman who is trying to do her best.
Thank you for being you and for your care for this kid.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2011): Just be straight with her. Tell her to be truthful with you so you can work things out between the two of you and not have to involve her father. Tell her WHY you dislike her doing things as well, dont argue just be gentle and firm and stand behind what you say.
Try not to do this in front of her. Instead, go to her father in private and go over with him what you should do.. He might need to even have a little heart to heart with her about lying to get your way. Definitely do tell her father if she persists despite warnings though. It is his right to know what his child is doing and how she is behaving, despite any fears that you may be "telling" on her. Overall, kids wont always be happy with you but overall they will be much happier when they are given discipline in their daily lives (ie having rules of what behavior is okay and what is not okay within the household). She is reaching that age where she will really begin to test her boundaries.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 November 2011):
 She is 11 and prepuberal, of course she is emotional and at times feels all the world is against her ! And as a daughter of divorced people, she may need more reassurance and cuddly stuff than another kid- even if her prents handled their divorce perfectly and amicably.
You are already being patient - keep up the good job and crank the patience up a tad more, I bet she's not much different with her own mum.
As for setting boundaries, yes, it's absolutely necessary and you'll have to stand your ground. But I would not call her bluff in front of her dad, that would shame her and make her feel like you two adults have been ganging against her. Just talk to your bf, and explain him that you need to be on the same page and have some rules agreed
upon and enforced. In short, he's the one who needs to talk to his kid and tell her : when you are with X, what she says goes same as if I were there .
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reader, supermum +, writes (15 November 2011):
OH dear lord! She is 11 years old!!!! Children DO push the boundaries, they DO try to play people off one another, and you are crediting her with wayyyy too much cunning.
As for the claims about her mum and her school friends, they are something to be taken seriously. While she may not be telling the truth about those things in particular, there is obviously something very wrong going on. An 11 year old should not even know what crying herself to sleep is, let alone actually saying anything about it... this is ringing definate alarm bells, and if she trusts you enough to be telling you these things, you need to push certain boundaries and find out exactly what is really bothering her.
It may be nothing more than a bully at school making her life hard. But it just may be something much more sinister, and her acting out is her way of telling you.
As for boundaries, yes, they need to be there. But they are things you should discuss with her father, not try to implement yourself.
As for the cuddles, I realise that can be hard. I am the same way, I hate cuddles... but when my 4 year old comes up to me arms outstretched, I give her the biggest possible cuddle. Why? Because my feelings on the matter are irrelevant. Children NEED that sort of love and affection. You said that your bf does not live with you, which means it is not like a constant thing her being there and wanting affection from you. I am sure you can continue to forget your personal preference for the limited time she is with you.
It is exceedingly worrying that an 11 year old is worried about her body weight...
In my opinion, the best thing you can do is have a frank chat with your boyfriend about rules, and try to be the best friend you can for this little girl. If you and your partner have been together for 6 years, I can only presume that things are going well and you perhaps intend to be married one day. If that is the case, you will be this girls step mum, and you really need to start acting like it.
Kids are very, very opinionated. They make their feelings known. The fact that she trusts you is an honor, and shows credit to you. So don't throw that away by forgetting that she is a child. As much as they act like it, heaven knows my 4 year old does, 11 is not actually close to being a teenager. The changes that take place between 11 and 13 are phenominal.
Sorry this was a bit long winded! Anyway, I wish you the best of luck.
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reader, francy  +, writes (15 November 2011):
i think you are just doing the right thing
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