A
female
age
36-40,
*adisha
writes:Hi.Im in an eleven months relationship with a guy who truly loves me and the marriage issue has always popped up. He recently got a job away from home. Im at university, just completed my diploma and willing to start with my degree. He has met my mom and i have not met his because i had told him i wasn't yet ready. He has recently asked me for a baby, of which im not against but i've constantly told him that. 1, i cannot carry a baby while his mom doesn't know me. 2, i can't have a baby when im still at school. 3, i won't manage a baby if i don't have a stable job like him and lastly, i don't blieve its okay to have a baby who will take my surname after birth, i'd love it if our baby would take his surname instead. Now he asked me to come home with him to meet mom. Im not against that, but i still don't think i'm ready to meet his mom because we are not even close to becoming pregnant according to me. I still want my degree and a great job. He threatens to leave! What can i do? I don't want to lose my potential life time partner because of some baby issue.. Pls help!
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female
reader, Kadisha +, writes (20 June 2008):
Kadisha is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys for your time. I knew how to tackle this one.. Ya'll knew it too right? I think i just needed a little assurance, especially from the ladies! Well my guy has come around now and he said he'll wait for me(x)(x)(x) but ya'll know that im keeping a watchful eye still hey. Atleast i know exactly what to do now, all thanks to you three ladies.. Love ya!
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (19 June 2008):
 Don't put your love for him before you love for YOURSELF. You know what your plans have always been! Don't put his plans before your own, especially considering that you aren't even married. He isn't even your legal partner yet!
Your first responsibility is to yourself! He sounds like he needs you to tie yourself to him by way of becoming the mother of his baby... Is he THAT insecure about your relationship? Or is he just controlling? Frankly, this sounds like a weird thing to be pushing for when you aren't yet finished school and don't have a career started yet. If he has any other controlling tendencies, you might want to cool this relationship down, WAY down.
For a checklist on controlling or abusive traits, check out:
Family Shelter Services in Illinois
Go to "Our Sevices" and then check out the column, "How to Assess Whether or Not You Are Being Abused".
Sometimes a controlling personality is an abusive person in disguise. If you saddle yourself down with his child, and their isn't an income from a career that can support all 3 of you, don't be too surprised if the abusive part of his personality comes out. Especially - Find out IF his father has this tendency. If that is also the case, You might want to get out of this relationship now, while you can.
Talk with you Mom, and with your own family about this sudden, strange push to make you have a child before you are ready to. You could use their support and advice right now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): Oh, he is not just selfish and immature, but also totally insecure, as he is going to be away, he wants you pregnant, hoping that then nobody else will be interested in you.
He is really not worthy of your love.
Go girl, show him you are not desperate for his baby!
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A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (19 June 2008):
 Hi Kadisha,
There are some difficult decisions to take in life and this seems like one of them. Truth be told I do believe in giving in a little for a relationship, to make it work. However, you are very young and your whole future depends on this decision.
1. This is not a really long relationship to start with and he doesn't seem to be giving you any type of stability, it seems he just wants a baby and that sounds kind of immature. Before talking about a baby you two should be talking about moving in together or marrying or buying a home and some time after that (maybe at least a year) you could start talking about a kid. You see, when a relationship is starting (as the two of you are) everything seems perfect and the possibilities endless. But when you start living with someone a lot of things change, even maybe for the best, but that's a lot of change to go through, a baby would just make things more difficult.
2. I believe you should study and make a career while you are still young. Maybe your parents are helping, you have only yourself to look after and that makes it a lot easier. If this relationship works out or not shouldn't have an effect on your professional or academic future.
3. If he is willing to end your relationship because you don't want to have a baby right now then this is definitely not your life partner! Truth is a life partner will understand your not being ready for a baby for whatever reason and will try to get to a happy medium with you. Why not move in together (while you continue to study) and when you get to your last semester you might get pregnant? Why not wait until you graduate or until you have a job you like? This is definitely not asking for too much!
I hope you are able to take the best decision for you. You are young and you love him but believe me, there are a lot of fish in the sea!
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): Hi Girl,I want to congratulate you.
Well done for using your brains and not allowing this guy to pull your emotional strings.
This guy is very selfish and immature.
I he really cares about you and in a future with you, he will not make these demands from you.
If he loves you and respects you, he will want to wait untill you are ready, get married offer you and the child a home and security.
He wants to ruin your future, you will be stuck with a baby, raising the child probably on your own, he might even dissapear and what is your chances of maintenance and child support then.
If you have to loose him about this, vow, good riddance.
YOu are young and have a lovely career and future ahead of you, PLEASE do not allow this guy to emotionally manipulate you into having a child.
Raising a child is a responsiblity;
Wait untill you are happily married to a man who love syou, respects you and you have a loving, caring environment to raise the child.
Don't rush, why, enjoy your studies and career and life untill you feel time is right.
If he cannot wait for that, let him move on, let him go and find another breeding machine, don't you be the incubator for his offspring.
Be strong!
Good luck!
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