A
female
age
36-40,
*em_stone
writes:Ive been going out with my boyfriend for 2 and half years. But im starting to think am i paranoid.To cut a long story short we have a bit of an up/down relationship but what ever happens we battle through.Reasently i have be come supicious of him. He keeps buying me gifts, hes also got a new group of friends who he wont let me meet, hes also become really attentive. I know this is awful but i broke into his email account to see if there was any evidence of him cheating (he never lets me near his phone)as this was the last resort. i needed to find evidence! unfortunetly i did find the evidence i was looking for. i found out that he had definatley kissed someone else and had tried to sleep with her but she had turned him down. this happened 4 months ago but ive only found out resently, so i don't know if a should just try and forget it and move on.i have asked him about it, asking 'oh you and xxxxx are really close, how is she? it would be lovely to finally meet her?'. but he is so secretive he never lets me meet any of them.ive also asked him out right if hes kissed someone else but he says that he would never do anything like. but the thing is i know hes has, so i know he is lyingi just don't know if im being stupid. whether i should just try and forget about it or whether i should end it. i always though i would marry him at some point but i don't know it i can trust him! to make to situation worse im leaving the area in a few weeks so i don't know what will happen to our relationship!i don't know what i should do! please help me!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): I am sorry for what you are going through, hun but I have to be honest here. You know that a healthy, successful relationship is based on 3 big values---mutual respect, honesty and trust. The entire time you've been involved with him, you've likely played it straight with him. And he probably did too...at one time. But, you haven't lied to him or had any intent to cheat on him, have you? I have a feeling the answer is no. It is this way with most loving, caring females. Now he's being secretive, he's kissed someone and he's tried to sleep with someone. He didn't just strike out in 1 value, he struck out in all three.. And his emotional stroking of you, is a very good indicator..that he's 'stringing you along'. Please don't mistake that for love...it's not-it's clearly a hurtful manipulation of you. So what does this all tell you? Your relationship with him is beginning to end, sweety. So you need to make a choice which is best for you.
I know, I know. Two and a half years is a long time with someone. But relationships end all over the planet, in this manner. What is sad, some females go into a state of denial and they have a tough time accepting it. Allow yourself to feel sorrow...but also muster up the pride and strength to end this relationship, now. Staying involved with him, with his frame of mind like this, could mean this is what you're asking for, in the future. You can moan and complain to him about his behavior all you want. I don't think he's going to make any startling changes, do you? The bottom line is 'you' will be putting up with it and he he no longer at the 'same place' as you are. So gauge his feelings for you on his behaviors/his action...not what he tells you. Talk is cheap, hun.
So take away all his guilt motivated affection and the emotional stroking and what's is left. A guy who has little respect and love for you. A guy who os intending to cheat on you. How can you respect him, now-knowing he is treating you so horridly.? How do you respect yourself, knowing what you know, now? The bottom line in any relationship is respect/trust. There is neither here. If you don't have mutual respect there is no relationship, only varying degrees of emotional pain. So what do you do? You have a choice to make. If you want you can continue with a steady diet of this pain indefinitely. Or.... you can reclaim your self respect, walk away with your integrity intact, and find someone who can appreciate what you have to offer. Life is too short to settle for this kind of hurt. Please choose wisely and put yourself first, here. As one Aunt said below...love yourself to not tolerate his crap. And never fear going it alone and being independent, and empowering your own life. This gives you strength and self-respect. That is the true mark of a mature, good quality person, when they don't tolerate the bad stuff, but can remain honest, open and loving. This guy does not deserve your love...remember that. So call on dearf family and friends to help you with the job of disconnecting yourself from this guy. Make that move...then allow yourself a lot of time to heal slowly, recover and get back into loving life again. It will take time and my best wishes are with you. (hugs) Be strong. And Good Luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): You can't trust this man.
I'm really sorry. But he has cheated on you and lied to you.
How do you know he won't do it again? If you stayed in this relationship and tried to forget about what happened you'd be paranoide constantly... Or be lied to.
I know that you feel bad for going through his emails... But he's been hiding things from you.
I agree with "A female reader, anonymous"... She makes a few good points... Possibly a little harsh... But she speaks truth.
If my boyfriend did that to me I'd probably yell at him and tell him that I knew he'd cheated and that he'd lied to see if he'd at least apologise... But I don't think that's the best idea. I'd also leave him.
You should try and move on when you move away... Make a new start for yourself. You don't deserve to be cheated on and lied to... No one does... You deserve much better.
Good luck. x
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A
female
reader, Kadisha  +, writes (19 June 2008):
Personaly, i think u've been in this relationship for long and i can imagine how hard it is for you to let go especially if u still love him. If it were me i would stay with my guy but threaten to leave if he wouldn't admit the truth on top of all this i would make sure that he enjoys cold nights by himself, no sex to a guy that i find hard to trust. Who would tell if he really got some loving from another girl afterall? Hope this helps! Chau chau!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): Well thank god you are leaving the area soon, that way hopefully you can meet someone else and get over him cause he is treating you badly and you deserve better.As for you, you REALLY need to work on yourself and on the value and self worth that you put on yourself. For you to think you are being "stupid" and "should try to forget" what he did? That's ridiculous. You have this "cheat on me, mistreat me, but PLEASE don't leave me" attitude. That is not right. You don't love yourself enough. The attitude you should have is "You cheated? You mistreated me? Get the hell out of my sight. You'll never see me again." You got to treat yourself like a commodity. You are great and fabulous. Any guy should feel lucky to have you. And you should NEVER have to explain that to a guy. If he can't see it, that's not your problem, you walk away. PERIOD. If he takes you for granted don't sit their explaining to him what he did wrong and how he hurt you. Never waste words on a guy who doesn't deserve your time. Never. You just tell him to take a hike. No explanation. Simple as that. You should read the book called "Why Men Love Bitches." It might teach you a thing or two about men and about YOURSELF. My advice to you is focus your time and energy on yourself and on loving yourself. Do exercise. Make new friends. Set lots of goals for the future and for your career. Get out there and make something of yourself. Forget men for a while. No man is going to truly love you and treat you wonderfully if you don't love YOURSELF. And no woman who loves herself would ever tolerate what your boyfriend has done.
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A
female
reader, SJ_ninety  +, writes (19 June 2008):
 I think you should have a talk with him and be as open and non-judgmental and understanding as possible (at first) and if he still doesn't open up about cheating and genuinely apologizes, end it. It isn't worth your grief and you can find someone better who won't cheat on you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): The bottom line is that he has lied. You were right about it and you have snooped to check, which you don't need to blame yourself for. You had an instinct which was rock solid and in the absence of truth from him you explored it yourself.
You can't trust him now , he is obviously too young to settle down and needs to sow some wild oats. One day when he has got it out of his system things could be different and you will be able to look back more kindly at his misguided youth.
If you are at different stages then so be it. Maybe you are ready to settle and some young lads are too, though most would struggle at his age.
My advice is to tell him that you know he is too young to settle and you have found his cheating and attempts to do so evidence of that. You don't need to say how you know, but you could just tell him who you know she is and what you know that has happened. For all he know, one of his new exclusive friends may have told you. He can't be sure who may have contacted you about his deceit.
You could say that you won't believe him until you meet his friends. You can play all sorts of games, but I am not sure that you should be afraid of the truth about checking his emails. If it were me I would come clean, but it is up to you. The danger is he will turn your snooping into a supposed worse crime than his cheating. Be prepared for that.
He may love you in his immature way but he obviously wants to have sex with other people so I would say he is not right for you just now. The more you hang on the worse. Let him go, pine for you and work hard at proving himself to you. Maybe you will want him, maybe his deceit will have sunk in by then and will put you off. This tends to happen once the denial phase wears off.
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