A
male
age
41-50,
*oveAddict55
writes:Hi,I've been married for 5 years. Periodically throughout our marriage, my wife and I have agreed that we make better friends than spouses. Over the past few years I've grown increasingly less sexually attracted to my wife. I'd say that at this moment I'm almost entirely sexually unattracted to her even though she's in the best shape since I've known her. (ie. neither of us have "let ourselves go") I've recently fallen in love with one of my employees who is also married! (And who's marriage was already in shambles -the guy is borderline abusive, and a flat-out jerk.) Our marriage was already rocky by the time I met the new woman, but now it is obviously much worse. We've kissed a little, and talk a lot, but nothing more. Obviously I'm an idiot, but I'm smart enough not to leave my wife and marry (or even start a serious relationship) this woman right off the bat. But I don't love my wife anymore. And given that she's one of my employees, I can't really ask anyone I know for advice. I know I should probably end it with this girl (for several reasons) but I really do love being with her. I think of her, I dream of her, I've even written a dozen sappy ballads about her. I really need advice!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): "....And whose marriage was already in shambles -the guy is borderline abusive, and a flat-out jerk.)..." and who told you this, your other woman??? maybe she is a teeny weeny bit biased, eh, have you thought of this? Please do yourself a favour, do not go down this road. there will be so much misery in store for you. just read the other stories here.you say that your wife cried a little , when you spoke to her. by her showing emotions something is still there. maybe that that passionate, love/lust that you crave but some emotions towards you, maybe it's her way to say I love you, but just cannot show it.maybe you two have lost so much of the couple connection, that the only way forward now, is marriage counselling.is she not sad that you both do not have kids, or was it a joint decision?
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (12 April 2009):
 I still think you two need some time away from each so you can do some soul searching without distractions. Just call it a trial separation, maybe that will make it seem less frightening for both of you.
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A
male
reader, LoveAddict55 +, writes (12 April 2009):
LoveAddict55 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, you are all right about the other girl. She is wrong for me, and I know it. Besides, she's clouding my judgement and I'm not thinking clearly. But how do I let her down easy (I'd rather not be sued). Plus, I'm not abject to seeing her again if she gets into this school she wants (she would have to quit if she got into this school program, which means she wouldn't be my employee and thus off limits) and if I really feel like seeing her again.I tried talking to my wife again this morning. I couldn't bring myself to say "I don't love you any more" exactly. But I did tell her that I think I'm not what she's looking for and that she might be happier with another man. She agreed to an extent, but now she's just really depressed and cried a little. I tried to console her, but how can I?? I'm the one that made her sad! I think she feels the same as I do, but is afraid to come to terms with it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2009): I agree with Zarathustra, the only way is honesty and to come right out with it. When you say, “What if the feeling isn't mutual?” , What do you mean by that? Would it make a difference if her feelings were different to what you think?You sound disillusioned with life, as if nothing is the way you thought it was. It’s funny when you fall in love the beginnings are filled with possibilities and promises of completion. She‘d see you as you have never seen yourself, and would airbrush all your imperfections, you mattered and she confirmed you significance .That was the beginning. When did it all go wrong? Forget the other women, she is just a distraction from your problems. Her distraction is making you not think clearly. You and your wife are both running away (your wife leaves home for weeks and days and you escape in another fantasy at work) from the inevitable..... reality. The two of you have been running for too long now. It’s time to put the pain and disillusion on the table.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (11 April 2009):
I think you guys need to have a separation. I'd look into that first and see what and how you feel after that.
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A
male
reader, LoveAddict55 +, writes (11 April 2009):
LoveAddict55 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate:First, thanks for the advice everyone. Keep it coming, I need lots!Thankfully, there are no kids involved here. I think I've been out of love for some time now. -Even before the "other woman". Which is perhaps why I keep putting off kids. I have spoken to my wife about my feelings, but not about my feelings for the other girl. I recently decided to part ways with my religion because I believe it is not true. (long long story) When I told my wife several weeks ago about my decision to leave the church she was devastated. She actually left for a week, and then a day or two here and there when the stress levels got too high for her to handle. She said she didn't love me like she used to.But then one night she changed her mind and said that she'd like to make it work, even though she refused my request for marriage counselling. Honestly, I'm not really sure how she feels now. I think she still loves me, but I really don't know. It's been some long, crappy days the past couple of months. To be truthful, I feel like I should have let her go the first time she left (as mentioned above). Maybe I need a week away? Besides, how do you tell someone you care about that you don't love them any more?? What if the feeling isn't mutual? I don't know how much longer I can do this.
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A
male
reader, calabarguy  +, writes (11 April 2009):
 Always better to stay with your wife. For the sake of your kids, and for the safety of your heart. You don't love her, in terms of attractiveness. But there's no denying you have a place in her heart, and she does in yours too. No more playing man!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2009): What's your wife's stance on this? Have you sat down and discussed the possibility of divorce? My guess is that she feels the same and if the love is gone, then there is no point pushing onwards. Usually if you feel like there is no fixing the problem, or that you don't even want to try, it might be time for a divorce. But are you sure you and your wife have tried EVERYTHING to fix the situation?To keep the drama down for yourself, and to not be the bad guy in the situation (cheating isn't a good idea) I would try to make a clean break here before getting involved with anyone else. Maybe take some time out before diving into another relationship (ha! You chose "love addict" as your user name) so you can clear your head.If my husband told me he didn't love me any more, and that there was no fixing the problem, I would be happy to let him go. Just make sure you are 100% on your feelings now before you do something drastic.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2009): You are disrespecting your wife in two ways, firstly because you are not in love with her and will not leave her so you are effectively robbing her of happiness she could have somewhere else. Secondly you are having an affair with a co worker of your wife's! .End it with you wife now, and move on.Shame on you
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A
female
reader, sarcy24  +, writes (11 April 2009):
 These things normally start off as fun as it is all exciting and new but they rarely last. Statistically 90% of 'affairs' fail when the man leaves his wife for the other woman. I am aware that there is so much love and lust to start off with but when the newness fades or the wife finds out it is never so exciting. Boss and worker relationships are never a good idea - normally worse for the employee as they invariably end up getting sacked when the relationship is over.
If there is anything there at all that you feel you can salvage I would try and talk to your wife. She is obviously in good shape and maybe she is lonely and needing something too that you could sort out together.
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A
female
reader, niki20 +, writes (11 April 2009):
 i think that if you cant work things out with your wife then you guys should try marriage counselling. if all else fails you might want to consider divorce. its better then making her think you still love her when you don't, and having a relationship more the friends with another women. the longer you stay with her, the more it is going to hurt if/ when you two split up. if you think you male your relationship w/ your wife work then try it. maybe its something as you two has lost touch. maybe all you two need is a romantic getaway to rekindle what you two once had
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (11 April 2009):
Are there any kids involed here? Are you SURE you don't love your wife anymore? Are you sure this isn't just lust you feel for this employee? Do you realize you could be setting yourself for a doozy of an harassment suit?
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