A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for two years, and we have been engaged for five months. Although he's eleven years older than me, we've always gotten along together really well, with no problems. We have arguments every now and again, that don't really last longer than a few hours, but lately it's been getting a lot worse. I haven't been feeling up to sex much lately, and he's finding it difficult to understand. He keeps asking me for sex and he gets annoyed when I say no. Last week I refused him again and he started punching me in the stomach. He went out after that and came back the next morning apologising, and I forgave him. The same thing happened last night though, and now I'm scared. I don't want to leave him, I love him so much. I really don't feel that I could cope without him. I live with him, and I don't really have anywhere to go if I left him. I just want things to be right between us. What should I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2007): I had a whirlwind romance that started way to fast and before I knew it within no time we've been living together these past no of months. With more hurt feelings and arguments I've felt lack of desire for sex and so I think I know where you are coming from, although, your lack of being in the mood might be something totally different then mine. The thing is if this man your living with is hitting you then my best advice would be for you to leave immediately and go to a women's shelter, or a homeless shelter, although I know that is a hard thing to do. I mean that would be very painful if he's punching you in the stomach or actually anywhere. He's no right to hurt you like that. The other adviser was right when they said he doesn't love you. He doesn't know how to love. He is nothing but an abuser. Please get away from him before any worse abuse happens because he will only continue to abuse you. It sounds like you are very emotionally attached to him but you can get over him and find love again with a good man.
A
female
reader, Sienna  +, writes (6 July 2007):
You know what I have found out. As a girl we are more emotional and sex is emotional contact for us too. If your having arguments with your partner then it's like putting water to a flame. You just "don't feel up to it". But it's a catch 22 if you don't have sex he gets angry and you argue more, you are then not in the mood and then you start to get distant from one another too. I can;t directly tell you what to do, love is a powerful thing, but he is not respecting you at all punching you, and once they start they don't really fully stop. NO ONE deserve to be forced to do something they dont want to do to avoid be abused. I would recommend making a stand to the violence moving out for a time to show him your serious. Start dating him again just to see where you are both really at. But don;t let your feelings allow you to be abused. Please love and respect yourself first not him. If someone told you this would you say stick around even though he punches you cos hey you love him.....??????
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A
female
reader, LauraE +, writes (6 July 2007):
He doesn't love you. He may be dependant on you, it may be lust, but it is not love. Don't let yourself be another statistic. Get out. It has all been said by the other people on here. No need to say any more except to agree with every word so that you know how many people feel strongly about this.
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A
female
reader, penta  +, writes (6 July 2007):
 Run like your ass is on fire. NO ONE gets to hit you, EVER. If he loved you AT ALL it wouldn't occur to him to hit you. He's just using you for sex. Run. You're much better off without him!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2007): There is nothing to "love" about this man! The other aunt and uncle are right: if he REALLY loved you he would not badger you for sex, let alone get violent.
You say you feel you could not cope if you left him. Talk to the police, talk to a women's crisis center or rape counselling and see what your options are! If you cannot manage to live in an apartment on your own; or move back wih your parents, or find a female roommate to share an apartment (and expenses) with, a temporary alternative might be a women's shelter. At any rate, if you remain with him, it will only get worse, and your life could eventually be in danger.
Please, for your own safety and well-being start making arrangements immediately to leave - and don't tell him where you will be staying! Talk to the police, please.
One last comment: You CAN cope, and be much happier without him. You only THINK you can't because you've been living with him for two years and have gotten on reasonably well - until he started getting physically abusive. Naturally the idea of leaving what has been a familiar situation with someone you thought you were going to marry, and cared for is scary.
BUT, believe you me, remaining with him will turn out to be much worse! Don't try to argue, persuade, or BE persuaded when he says he's sorry and won't hit you again, because that is what abusers (which is what he is) always tell their victims, and as you already have seen, they don't stick to their promise not to do it again. Why? Because "being right" and having control over the woman is more important to them!
Look after yourself and get out of there!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (6 July 2007):
 You have your answer, lady. Leave him now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2007): Leave him immediately. You may love him but he clearly doesn't love you if he's getting so heated over a simple thing like a lull in your sex life. Imagine how he could react in the future to something bigger that angers him. Getting married to him would tie you even closer to him; do you really want to be in an abusive marriage? Which I'm afraid is what it will turn into. Sure, he apologised but what he did was not acceptable, or forgivable. He obviously wasn't that sorry since he did it again. I don't want to be hard on you here but you're being so foolish staying. This behaviour may be new but it will only get worse. What if the next time you don't want to have sex he doesn't just hit you but decides to TAKE what he wants? You're setting yourself up for a life of abuse and soon, very likely rape. The power he will be feeling and the relieving release of anger through violence isn't something he'll just stop, not now that he's done it again. Please, for your own safety, leave him and go to the police too; they can set you up with somewhere to go and will be sympathetic. I understand that you love him but you don't deserve to be treated this way; someone who loves you would not do such a horrible thing to you.
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