A
female
age
30-35,
*urpleposies
writes:Hello, so I have two questions, both are related.First a bit of background, I was in a relationship with (and married to) a man who ended up being a narcissist and was abusive. (verbally, mentally, sometimes physically) We were together 7 and half years and have 3 children together.The best way to give an idea of what it was like, is referencing an article-"25 signs of covert narcissism" via lovepanky.I have since then, left the relationship, moved, and we are still working out custody through court.I started seeing someone in Feb of 2017. We are taking things slow as far as the kids are concerned,but that doesn't really pertain to my question.Anyway, this man is amazing. He is accepting, supportive, caring, and the dynamic of the relationship is just nothing I ever imagined, in comparison to my prior relationship. His only flaw is that he has been hurt in relationships and as a result doesnt like me having contact with men he thinks have other motives. Reasonable, right? Well one of my make friends, an ex of a former friend, contacted me today, asking when we could make a play date for our kiddos. Now my bf has always suspected that this friend has ulterior motives than just friendship. I don't think so, but I am prepared to decline, and texted my bf about the situation. He hasn't responded (he's at uni atm) But that isn't quite my question, either. My bf came and visited me Saturday night, its a three hour drive from school to my place. We were both so excited. But then,he started looking me over and found little ,scratches" they weren't even scratches, more like little pink, or scabbed tiny little marks, that I hadn't noticed and you couldn't really see without really looking. I have no idea how I got them, but I had a couple on my back, my shoulder, a light scratch on my neck, and maybe two on my legs. I have dogs, cats and lids under 8, I work too, and I honestly don't know how I got the little red marks. I didn't even notice until he pointed it out. We talked about it and resolved it but he really thought I was cheating on him. Its not the first time. I once got a scratch on,my foot and he thought I could have been cheating that time, too. I love him very much and I want to show him,that he can trust me. I don't want to do anything to hurt him, so what can I do about this? I'm also terrified about putting myself in a controlling relationship again, and while my bf is not controlling, in my opinion, he does get very insecure. I want to make sure I'm not putting myself in a bad situation and also be able to work out his insecurities with him. Any advice about both issues is welcome. Thank you in advance!
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female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (24 March 2018):
 Well done, you! You've been brave and shown that you can, and will, stand up for yourself. As WiseOwlE said, the guy is on 'probation', so you still need to be vigilant, and not let things slide. If the trust isn't there, you won't stand a chance.
Take care xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2018): It was good you had that talk. As I said; "Nip it at the bud!"
Effective-communication goes a long-way. You got into his head, and he got inside yours. Honesty and transparency opens a clear pathway to trust.
Hold steady and be assertive when reinforcing your personal-values. He will attempt to control again; he's already shown you that side of himself. If he sees it doesn't work with you; he will be more considerate and much more respectful.
He's still on probation; only time will tell by consistency in his behavior and whether he proves he takes your words seriously.
Best of luck, my dear!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 March 2018):
 I think it was good you had the conversation with him. And that you ARE aware that things you may not have thought were controlling (he didn't think they were controlling either) but they really ARE - and they are affecting you in a negative way.
A partner/relationship is supposed to enrich your life, be a positive "force" in your life, not someone who makes you anxious and "worried" or that you have to tiptoe around in case his insecurities takes over.
So now that you are BOTH aware, you have set some firm boundaries you can perhaps move forward but if HE can't do the same with his insecurities (and they are HIS to fix) then YOU know what to do.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, purpleposies +, writes (23 March 2018):
purpleposies is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst, I want to thank you all for your advice. It is so appreciated. I am not going to mask or justify being in a relationship that is bad for me under the guise of "but I love him so much." Yeah, not happening. I did that once and let me tell you my ex played every emotion I had against me, really did everything he could to make me feel like the things that were wrong in our relationship were all my fault. I have been there and its something I won't repeat. I was terribly sad and a bit distraught when I wrote my initial post, so it may have come off as justification. (And maybe to some degree I was justifying it...)
We had a long talk today. I think,it really hit him when I described how, although I'm elated when he visits, I do get nervous at first, because what happens if he finds a scratch or small bruise? Will he want to check my body? Will it be a long talk and me trying to explain things away when I can't? It makes me nervous and anxious. He told me that was terrible and he didn't want me to feel like that and apologized. He went on to say that it wasn't right or fair for him to project wrong doings from previous relationships on to me. Then he took me up on previous suggestion, he said maybe would ease his nerves if he met these people. Then he told me never to not do something because of him he doesn't want to put me in that position. But I told him that in a relationship, I want my partner to be comfortable, and also trust me. I also told him actions speak louder than words, something that he knows well, and that I just got out of a horrible relationship and I won't be with someone whose insecurities turn into control issues. He had to think about that one, because he said, "but I'm not controlling" and I said, if it wasnt starting out that way, I wouldn't have the anxiety of "what if he doesn't believe that I'm with my friends and thinks I'm cheating." He paused at that and apologized again. He agreed to meet both my friend, and the couple I was thinking about going into business with. But I also told him that Im a big girl and if this going to work, he would need to trust that I can make my own friends, although I did understand his apprehension about me going to a guys house that he didn't know. (Which is another reason I wanted him to meet "playdateguy.)
(((For some background on "playdate guy," he was actually a former friend of mine's boyfriend, to which he is now her ex. I had known this girl since high school. Anyways once she turned 16, things started to change with her. Sometime between 16-18, she started expressing borderline personality disorder. She would meet men and try to get pregnant, then not take care of the children. We (a few of her close friends and her sisters) found out from her grandmother that her mom suffers with borderline personality disorder, and that her grand daughter -- my friend, has it too, but worse. )
To make a long story short, "playdate guy" is the father of babies 3&4. His kids are younger than mine, but my youngest is 3. His oldest is two, and his baby isn't a year yet. We developed a friendship back in 2015. He just managed to get full custody of both kids, and their mom is not allowed to see them. Although she lives in a different state now. I'm pretty sure the playdate thing is just so I can meet and get to know his kiddos so he has a second person to call on,if for whatever reason, he needs a sitter. He would never say that, but I think that's what its about.)))
Anyways back to my bf, I'm really hoping he can make changes. I agree that I need a partner that can trust me, and someone that is a good role model for my kids to be around. (Keep in mind we are taking things slow and he has only met my kids a handful of times. Maybe 10. He had only met them once prior to thanksgiving.)
I want to give him,a chance now that give confronted all of this, but I refuse to live this way and if he can't change I would be compelled to show him the door, love or not.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (23 March 2018):
 I think you're heading down a dangerous path.
It's good that you've spotted this early on and you already know the warning signs to look out for. This is quite staggering how he''s come to such a conclusion from such little evidence which to me suggests that if you stay with this man I can see this being a recurring issue.
The gut has trust issues, therefore I can see whenever you do something that gets on his nerves he's going to direct it back to you 'cheating' on him. To be quite honest even if you discuss this with him I think he will attempt to surpress it for a short while but it will rear it's head again at some point.
To be jealous and controlling to the point of not wanting communication with the other sex is insane in my mind, I would run a mile at the first mention of it and I hope you're planning to do the same.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie +, writes (23 March 2018):
Trust you instincts! You are terrified of being another controlling relationship - well that's where this one is heading. You should not have to be justifying or explaining yourself to this man. You sound disappointed about not taking your kids on a play-date with you male friend - so there you are - being manipulated because you're frightened of what the new BF might think or feel. Until you truly believe you don't need a man, you deserve to be treated with respect, and you know you can be happy on your own, you will only ever attract the wrong man. Concentrate on you and your children, and making a happy and enjoyable life for yourself and your family. This should be your first priority.
Take care xx
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (22 March 2018):
 RUN! Run fast and run far and don't look back. He may pretend to be all "understanding and forgiving" (of nothing because you have done nothing wrong!!!!!) at the moment, but this will change. He will keep looking for signs that you have been unfaithful and will gradually believe you less and less that you haven't.
YOUR behaviour is not the problem here; HIS is! You will end up paying for what previous women have (ALLEGEDLY) done to him. Don't do this to yourself.
PLEASE get away and stay away.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (22 March 2018):
 My advice is a little stronger than the other aunts/uncles on here because my ex husband was very insecure and controlling. When I was 8 months pregnant and going to my former high school's football game with my parents, my mom put some make up on me and he immediately assumed that I was going to cheat on him. Just one example but I have hundreds. The point I am making is...get out..now. I wouldn't for a minute tolerate him thinking you are cheating because you have tiny little marks on you and he examines you?? OH honey please...don't let someone treat you that way. If a man did that to me now he'd be shown the door. Sorry..this guy is trouble and it will only get worse the longer you date him. He will probably never trust you. He's putting his insecurities and hurt from other relationships on you. Not Fair...AT ALL. I'd show him the door.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (22 March 2018):
Listen to Honeypie, she is speaking the truth. This guy will never trust you and you will find yourself desperately trying to hold yourself to ever more ridiculous standards to avoid his suspicions and disappointment. I bet next time your kid scratches you accidently your heart will sink as you'll have to explain it.
If he doesn't back right off when you have a chat you should call it quits.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2018): It is very important early on in a relationship to open communication. Use your words. Establish some rules and put him in his place.
He has basically accused you of infidelity based on something as simple as scratches; that could come from anything from coarse clothing to brushing-up against something. This is a red-flag!
I don't give a hoot about what other people did to him. You're not responsible for what others have done. This is about YOU! Questioning your credibility and trustworthiness.
This kind of crap is not what you need in your life, or the life of your children. He had better get-over his past, or maybe he's just not ready for all of this. You come as a package. It's not just you!
Jealousy and insecurity tend to make people unreasonable and difficult to convince. Being a mom, you really don't have much room for drama or unnecessary conflict within a relationship.
Now don't get me wrong, we all have a little jealousy and feel a little skeptical about the intentions of exes and friends of our mates with whom we aren't too familiar. Even our best of friends can get jealous or possessive and suddenly seem to hang around more than usual. They feel threatened and want to make sure we don't push them out of our lives for someone else. You're talking about men now. You have to think like a man right now. We're territorial beasts!
Just be vigilante for irregularities. Not to prove anything to anybody, just to keep things in proper-perspective. You're the queen of your domain and household; and he's not your father, boss, or husband.
Reassure him that you are truly committed and you have not seen any other men since you two have became exclusive. You have no reason to plead a case to convince him. Either he will trust you on your word, or he can take a hike. Put that "I love him" thing on hold. Defend your honor!
You might also inform him how it insults you that he would insinuate you're the type of woman who cheats and would carry-on in such a way. You shouldn't have to defend your good values. You are always mindful of the example you set before your kids, who are more important to you than him or anybody else in this world.
He needs to know his value and placement in your life is still under evaluation. Flip this around. It's he who has to prove something to YOU!!!
Okay, here's the thing. I never discount the words " I love him." That makes offering advice difficult; and the words may not easily penetrate. Pace your feelings and keep them on reserve; because you not only think for yourself, you're protecting the cubs. No man has any right to cross your doorstep accusing you of anything.
If reassuring him is too hard of a task. Hand him his walking papers!
Too much interaction with other single-men in the early stages of establishing trust with your new mate, will bring-out protective-instincts in most men over their romantic-partners. It's to be expected; but when it rises to the level of suspicion, jealousy, and accusation. Something is wrong!!! Nip it at the bud!
Is this play-date thing absolutely necessary, or a normal routine; or just out of the blue? That matters!
Your relationship has some rough-edges to smooth out, and other men looming overhead might not be healthy; until your relationship is better established. If you notice stepped-up activity and contact from other men since you've become committed; that may be an indication there is some male-competition going on.
The male-friend can drop-off his kids and pick them up. Lingering himself might not really be necessary. Not because your boyfriend decides who your friends are, or with whom you interact; but to show some respect for the relationship. To teach him/other/all men you have boundaries.
It's up to you to curb too much activity and keep frivolous-communication to a minimum; that would give an opportunist the chance to sabotage what you are trying to build and establish.
Yield to no man's insecurities. That's not your responsibility. You need to only concern yourself that your man knows you're a faithful-woman; but you will not tolerate any man to come into your life and upset your household. You will not allow any man to accuse you of being any kind of woman other than the good woman and mother that you are. He will have to tend to his insecurities before you move forward; nobody matters more than your kids. His presence in their lives or yours, will only be welcome as long as he shows you proof of his good character, maturity, respect, and trust.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 March 2018):
Well, first of all good for you for leaving your ex.
Secondly, I think if you DO NOT watch out you will end up with this guy being controlling too. He might only do it with "little" things for now but the signs are there. It's not all insecurity. the securities might be the driving force behind the controlling behavior, but that doesn't mean it's NOT controlling.
YOU not being "allowed" to have contact with other men, it's ridiculous and it WILL not prevent him from accusing you of cheating (as you have seen) nor will it "fix" his insecurities. you not being able to have your kids on a play-date with another man's kids - it's RIDICULOUS. Even IF the other man has ulterior motives, it's NOT like you are not capable of telling this other guy, I'm not interested in dating you or anything romantic with you. All I OK with is for our kids to play and us being friends. It's NOT that hard to set boundaries. But your BF is presuming you are incapable if that. Which to me is partly his insecurities and partly a pissy excuse to be controlling. You should NOT have to ASK him permission to set up a play-day with a friend and his kids. You are a GROWN woman. your BF is not your dad and he doesn't OWN you.
Accusing you of cheating because you have TINY scratches - it's NOT OK! It's ridiculous that you have to "explain" these scratches away - it's winter, the indoor air is much drier than usual (for most people) and it DOES dry out the skin and make it more itchy.
Generally people who run around accusing their partners of cheating... are often GUILTY of doing it themselves. That is why they are "paranoid" because they KNOW what they themselves are capable off. It's not always because an ex did it.
And people who DO accuse a partner of cheating LACK trust in others. Which means your relationship is NOT build on a foundation of mutual trust and respect. But one of YOU having to walk on EGGSHELLS for him. Not good.
Being an "otherwise" good guy DOES NOT MEAN he can't be controlling too! After-all he is insecure too!
So, as I see it - there are red flags here. Insecurity and control issues.
What can you do about it? Well, I think you can SET some firm boundaries with him. ACCUSING you of cheating needs to stop. Him thinking that as a your BF he has the "right" to dictate whom you can spend time with (even on something as innocuous as a kid play-day) it should be a NO-GO! He NEEDS to decide if he is willing to trust you or not. And if he is not, he needs to walk away.
He can NOT (I repeat) CAN NOT hold you responsible for what a women did to him in the past! Do you hold your responsible for what your EX-husband did to you? Are you presuming that he will be abusive and hit you? No, you don't. You have GIVEN him trust and the benefit of the doubt (as you didn't know him that well in the beginning). After a YEAR of knowing you, HE ought to know if you are trustworthy or not.
And I think if this male friend (the play-day guy) and his kids are a POSITIVE influence on YOUR kids (and thus you) WHY should you limit your kids friends and activities because your BF has an ex who cheated? It's neither here nor there and CERTAINLY not logical at all.
So, I'd rethink this relationship if I were you.
He needs to work on his insecurities. IT IS NOT your job to "cure" him of those. Or "prove" to him that you can be trusted. He has had a YEAR! to figure out if there is BASIS for mutual trust or not. Obviously... he doesn't TRUST you at all.
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