A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:In Love with two people! I'm 35. Fiancé 32, Lover 21!I can't believe I have let myself get into this situation, I have a really nice Fiancé, 2 kids aged 2 and 5 we don’t argue, we still have Sex a few times a week.My problem is this a year ago I met this wonderful sexy caring girl at my Fiancés work, we clicked instantly. We exchanged numbers after a few months and chit chat soon turned in to phone sex, we met up a few times and got on really well, not sure what happened but we were walking together and noticed we were holding hands, this led into a kiss! We both thought it was best if we backed of so as not to hurt people. It turned out that we thought about each other every day when we were apart.Six months later we decided to meet up again and went full into an affair, we text and or think about things at the same time, like the same films, music, food, walks and outlook on life. Then sex, well wow, we are so tuned into each other its unreal. I thought you only had these feeling about your 1st love but this is stronger, we meet up when we can sometimes just for lunch. We have been known to see each other every day for nearly 10 days with having sex so I’m sure its not just that. We have spend whole days and even weekends away in a hotel.We never have long enough together always wanting more, we have been full on for over 4 months now she want me to leave my Fiancé.We have talked about the kids, she loves them both and is a nursery nurse she said maybe my fiancé and I could have a child each and we will make sure they see lots of each other e.g. alternate weekends together and midweek meals etc.The other problem I really care for my Fiancé and I don't want to hurt her, people say I already am and I agree to a point. My mind is going in circles, I have always thought you should stay with your partner and work at it, and all my feelings are going against my principles. 1 year ago I would have looked down on someone like myself.How can I choose between 2 very special people?How can I tell my Lover I need more time without loosing her, I have been with out her once before a few weeks ago.Many thanks in advance
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2008): OH and one more thing mister- I don't think you made the wrong choice. I think it's your guilt talking. You are not happy at home now because you know that you do not deserve it right now. And you are justifying remaining in contact with the other girl with your unhappiness.
Been there,done that, don't EVER wanna go there again.
Lily
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2008): I've been where you are. I had an affair with a younger guy. You clearly have the same problem that I had. The young man seemed like a perfect guy for me - why? Not because he was mature- it was because I was immature and in complete denial of the reality of things and I refused to take responsibility. I was involved with the bloke for almost a year-the worst choice I ever made. Then I ended it- the BEST choice I ever made. I cannot believe I actually considered trading my marriage to a fling. Jeez. All the hot sex in the world cannot compare to the things you can have with a long-term partner. No matter how strongly you feel now you have to understand that. We often want what we cannot have, and why we don't have the wisdom to want what we do have, it's a big mystery to one and all.
You did your damage, now start with the repairs ASAP. I felt immense growing pains when I made the same mistake and yes it taught me a lot about life and myself-and one thing it DEFINETELY taught me was that the exciting unknown is not a permanent state. As others have stated here, the novelty wears off. Every time.EVERY SINGLE TIME. You still have a fiance. If you want to hold on to her than you have to get over yourself and your fantasies and cut off the contact with the other girl and you have to do it NOW and you have to do it COMPLETELY. It's so easy to dwell in self-pity and make yourself the victim. HOwever here's a newsflash; being torn between two people is not romantic or a mysterious twist of fate. It's a stupid mistake. If you want to have a solution to this problem you have to realise that you are the one with the problem, dude. And whatever you do someone will get hurt and YOU CANNOT PREVENT THAT ANYMORE. Admit it and make a choice and suffer the consequences. You cannot escape it now. Just because someone doesn't plan things to happen it doesn't mean we don't have to take responsibility of them. Deal with it and deal with it now.
I'm sure you miss the other girl. I'm sure you will be missing her for a long time. But you are not really missing her actually- you are missing the thought of her. It is only a small fragment of her that you are familiar with. You cannot miss a person you do not really know. So what you're missing is your own image of her, what you love is your own image of her. She seems like a soulmate to you. She seems perfect. SEEMS. What do you know about her dark side? What do you know about everyday life with her? NOTHING.
BUT-if your fiance left YOU now, think about how much you'd be missing HER. You know her inside out. You would be missing an entire, real person.
Trust me,that hurts a whole lot more than missing an illusion.
I don't mean to be harsh but these are facts. I know how you feel and that is exactly why I am asking you to WAKE UP and face the music. Do not prolong this situation any more than you already have. Sorry but you cannot let yourself get off easy anymore. MAKE A CHOICE AND MOST OF ALL - STICK WITH IT. PLEASE.
Good luck.
xxx Lily
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2008): spelling error "have" the talk. :}
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2008): Please just leave your fiance and have a Full Relationship with this other woman.
Yes, your fiance will be hurt, but time will heal the pain, and she will move on in life.
It is MORE PAINFUL for your fiance(and yourself) to be living together while you LOVE and THINK about this other woman Everyday.
So put yourself out of this misery, and half the talk tonight. You're not married, so it's better it happened now instead of after taking Vows.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThought Id update and ask some more advice....
Its been ages since I decided to do the "right thing" I still miss the now 22year old so much, I constantly see reminders of her and think what’s he doing. I think she still thinks about me, she send me a Birthday card I sent her one also as our Birthdays are only a week apart, we both sent really sweet messages to each other.
I had a txt from her last night, she was in a club & said she misses me, I could not sleep kept worrying if she got home safe etc. I’m not happy at home I try to pretend I am but I think I have made the wrong choice.
As to Fade878 where did u read that I have had 4 women???
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A
female
reader, babewithbrains +, writes (9 September 2008):
 Good for you!
You know you did the right thing - and of course it will hurt, but that will end. Need your children never know.
Jelly
xxx
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A
female
reader, TehWife  +, writes (9 September 2008):
 Lovers lose their charm when they lose their title. Plain and simple. Have you ever known anyone who had a lover turn wife? Trust is needed in a relationship, do you think you are her exception- do you think she respects monogamy? Ask her if you are her first man she dated who was in a relationship, and ask yourself, will you be her last. She is 21- this will not be forever.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust thought Id update you on things, I decided to end things with my 21 year old lover just over a week ago as I felt exhausted by the constant demands she made with me to end my relationship with my Fiancé and trying to live two lives. I didn’t feel ready and don’t think I ever will be able to live with the guilt of hurting my Fiancé. I cried what felt like constantly for 2 days then felt relived and settled for 2 days, today my 21 year old txt me saying she misses me so much and just wants a hug. I feel really sad now because that’s all I want to do, I have been praying she would txt now she has I’m not sure what to do. I felt at the weekend I could get over her. Today im not so sure or is it im not sure I want to?
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female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (30 July 2008):
 BRAVO!!!! Troubledtomuch, I read your first answer and you put across the worst case scenario really well. It shows you have great respect for your wife and may you have more many happy years together. You have made my day :D
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female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (30 July 2008):
How can you say you feel torn by your children and your lover?
You are talking utter rubbish, children are there for life, lovers just come and go! If you was any sort of father, you would do the right thing and do what is best for the children. You should have their interests at heart not your lover's, my God you sound incredibly selfish.
How would you feel if your fiancee was having an affair and she planned to set up a home with him and YOUR CHILDREN? Come on man, you are a man in your thirties not in your teens. For God sake GROW UP!!!
Please do not keep justifying what you are doing to your fiancee and your children. It simply won't wash with me and the Aunts.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 July 2008):
 I agree that the three courses as laid out by female anon are the only realistic paths here.
Our poster has to decide, obviously this situation cannot continue without discovery at some point. What I find really angering about the situation is that when you began this flirtation with the 21 yo initially, it should have triggered a realization in you that there was something missing in your relationship with your fiance. But rather than confront that issue, at the time, you simply ignored it and swept on into the affair. The initial flirtation should have been a signal that things needed to be worked on. I guess since you chose not to try to repair or strengthen your commitment to your fiance, you have essentially already chosen the 21 yo.
"But is it fair to stay with my Fiancé when I pining for another whom I have more in common with?"
It would have been more honorable to deal with fiance first, THEN be able to pursue the relationship with 21 yo as a free and available man.
Okay, enough lecturing, you know that you have made choices that now have left you in an awful position.
So you need to tackle this, and start dealing with it honorably, and with some clarity of thought.
Post-natal depression or no, she is their mother, and they are siblings. What is the second child, her consolation prize for losing you AND the other child?
I'm trying to imagine you explaining the rationale for splitting the children and raising them in separate households to the judge overseeing the custody hearing. The joking about you taking the one who prefers you, I think is just joking. Push this issue, and you may find the real answer.
You know what you need to do, so go do it. At the very least, give your fiance the chance to get on with her life with a man who is truly committed to her. If you simply hang around, keeping the 21 yo on the back burner, without trying to work on the relationship with your fiance, you are guilty of wasting months or years of her life. Life is short and precious, and you by your actions now have been frittering away her life without her consent or knowledge. Not an honorable thing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008): Midlife crisis certainly is normally an excuse for improper behavior, but it can also be attributal to a medical condition in men. That condition is deep depression caused by some medical problem. Hormone problems can be one of those conditions. However, the OP's obvious abundance of sexual desire and performance with the hot young babe says that he has no hormone problems to cause an actual physically induced midlife crisis.
The 3 paths listed by the anon female are the ones that he has a choice of. I think that there is common agreement amoung the aunts that this affair is just an exciting fling that will eventually die out. We could all be wrong, but I think that the chances of that are low.
Most men and many women are sometimes excited at the prospect of an affair with some attractive and personable co-worker or other friend. However, that excitement normally never goes beyond the fantasy stage. When someone is in a serious relationship where both partners expect that both will be faithful, whether they are married or not, then progressing beyond the fantasy stage is wrong and needs to be addressed as a problem. Fantasies are sexually healthful unless they become an obsession. Boinking someone besides one's dedicated partner is not.
It appears that the OP understands the problem in his behavior and what his options are. We can only hope that he chooses the one that will do the least harm to his fiance' and especially the children, and yes, even himself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008): I usually don't get judgmental, but "midlife crisis" is just an excuse for an unwillingness or inability to become a true adult. The only good sign is that you are troubled enough to ask for advice.
You know very well that no established relationship of 5 years will be as exciting as a guilty relationship of 1 year. You need to learn the skills to keep love fresh and interesting past 5 years, it seems.
You have the following choices here as I see it:
-Choose the path of integrity by confessing to your fiancee, and if she chooses to stay with you, cutting off ALL contact with your lover and going into relationship counseling (and hold off on the marriage for another year or two at least, until you are both certain that you are over your issues) Frankly I think that although this way will be the hardest in the beginning, it is the surest way to happiness in the long term.
-Choose the path of immaturity and self-deception by continuing your affair, having convinced yourself that your lover is your soul-mate and that all problems you have with staying in love will be solved by finding just the right partner. You can further compound the damage by continuing to deceive your fiancee and children (even getting married), yet persuading your lover that you will also love her forever. This is the status quo, easiest to stay in but is heading to a World Of Pain for everyone concerned including children.
-Another path of integrity is to admit that you don't want to learn how to stick it out through the long haul. Free your fiancee to find a man more worthy of her, and enjoy your time with your young lover, but don't fool yourself or her that your Big Love will last, because you haven't learned any lesson. If you want to jump from woman to woman, skimming the cream off every time, you have no business fathering children, getting married, or asking women to be exclusive to you.
You can't have it all... the untroubled love of your fiancee and your children, AND your hot young lover. To think that you can have this all is a selfish, childish, fantasy. Sorry to be harsh but you know that you're not being realistic or ethical here.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, thanks for all your replies, it means a lot that people give up there time like this.
I think maybe some time alone would do me some good!
I am normally a very caring guy & can see through these situations, not sure if I'm having an early mid life crisis? I am questioning many things at the moment like did I ever really get over my ex before starting a relationship with my Fiancé.
I have always been on the receiving side of this, I have been dumped 3 times by long term parteneres IE 4 years or more, so I know how much it hurts.
But is it fair to stay with my Fiancé when I pining for another whom I have more in common with?
My 1st child the 5year old, I practically raised her, did all the feeds etc as my Fiancé had post natal, (Not that this is a just reason) She often jokes with me if we ever split up she's yours as she only wants you! Every weekend the kids would be together and Tuesday and or Wednesday evening fo dinner etc.
I do love my fiance, we get on well, she is stress free, maybe she is too layed back for me? I don’t think of her night and day like the 21year old, maybe it because we only know each other for about 1 year and is 4 months long enough to know if we would last?
The only reason the 21 year old suggested it was because she know how much I love my kids (I know don’t sound like it does it) I feel really torn between the love for my children and that of my 21 year old.
Btw the 21 year old has had a few short term and 2 longish term relationships that lasted about over 18 months each, she only left her last partner because He turned violent against her and tried to force her to have sex with his friends.
She said she promised herself she would never get involved with anyone taken and or with kids but cant help how she feels for me. She said she would never want me to do this is she was not 100% sure we will go the distance.
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female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (30 July 2008):
How utterly disheartening that you want to take one of your children away from their mother and sibling and set a up a cosy love nest with your 21 year old lover. Words fail me!Do you realise how heartless this is coming across to all the Aunts on Cupid? Your fiancee carried that child for nine months, she is there for when her child is hungry, sad, ill, needs clothes and last of all given unconditional love to and you want to take that poor child out of the family unit just to satisfy your lover's whim.No No No this is all wrong. Your child needs their mother and no court in the land will take away any child unless they have been neglected, which is clearly not the case here.If you do want to set up a home with your lover, then go minus your child. If I was you I would break up with this woman and inject more love into this relationship.I urge you not to take your child away from your fiancee, who are both TOTALLY INNOCENT in this sordid set up. Be a man and stick by your fiancee and children, otherwise your fiancee and children will never ever forgive you for what you are planning on doing. Reading this post has made me cry with utter disbelief and your lover needs a serious reality check if she thinks that she can take a child from their mother.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008): I would guess that any man who has been in a long relationship with a woman would find that some new hot babe is amazing in the sack and to be with. My wife and I have been married for 22 years and are now 63. I'll bet that some hot babe of 40 would be amazing to me in the sack. Sure, she would be new. The sex would be new. The talk would be new. Everthing would be new and exciting.
OK, so now I leave my wife, who puts up with all of my defects and still loves me every day. She is heartbroken and her life seems to have just been destroyed. I am happy with this new young babe. We move in together. Now the work begins. We have to share responsibilities. We have the same problems that my ex and I had and worked out after all of the years together. After a few months the new hot babe is somewhat less hot and exciting. There are things that we disagree about and the wonderful experience is not quiet as wonderful. We have our first fight, then the second and so forth. She gets disillusioned and wants to leave me for the new hot young guy who she just met.
Now I am alone and wish that I had stayed with my wife, who loved me and wanted to be with me until death. I try to get her back, but I hurt her so badly that she wants to have nothing to do with me. She would rather be alone than with me again. She is sad and cries every night and I am alone and cry every night. We both have to start over again, since I just threw all of those loving years away.
Hey, write it off to a stupid and impulsive affair. Get on your knees and admit to your fiance' that you made a terrible mistake and want her forgiveness and have a good life with a woman who you know loves you and is not just infatuated with you for the time being.
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female
reader, LIERIN +, writes (29 July 2008):
 Man .. this is srewed up!
You have to make it clear to yourself. Do you really want to get married? All I see is, that you are totaly in lust with your 21year old lover .. there is not much about your fiance, except that she is a wonderful person, and I am sure she is ... but.. do you love her more than you love your lover?
You should take a break from both of them ... go for couple of weeks away .. Be without them. Dont call .. dont talk to any of them!! I know it will be hard ,but you have to do it. The whole itme, jus tthik what is it that you really want .. is it your fiance .. or is it your lover. You should figure our aftre maybe a week or two of beeing byyourself just thinking, which one is it ...
You can having both of them.Its unfair and its cheating as well. You sound like a nice person .. just confused.
I am not judging you ...
But you have to make a decision
No one can help you with that .. YOU HAVE TO DO IT ON YOUR OWN
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female
reader, babewithbrains +, writes (29 July 2008):
What a right little state you got your self into!!! Dont split up the kids - they maybe young but they need their mother - THEIR REAL MOTHER! THEY NEED THEIR FATHER TOO!! Get a grip and stop fooling around with this lover of yours! You have a (to be) wife and kids, and that is an anchor in life not just for you but your wife and children! Try to keep a boat still without an anchor!!! In rough a of divorce, u can't! Your kids will never respect you for abandoning them for someone who is better in bed!Jelly
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2008): Unlike most of the other responses, I'm trying my best to understand your viewpoint. Mistakes happen and I think we should all understand that. However, you're going to be hurting a couple of people either way.
As someone said before, you were wrong to even get her phone number and to be quite frank, the fact that you did indicates that you apparently lacked strong enough feelings for your fiance whether you know it or not. Even if you truly love her, you don't love her enough to not cheat. Your actions were wrong and you know that so I won't continue to lecture you as everyone else has.
Point blank is that YOU and ONLY you can make the decision. Even if you choose your fiance, you'll have to be open and honest with her at which point you'll both have to decide whether to work on it and separate and I assure you most women would not want to work on it. If you choose your Lover, you'll be throwing away your previous relationship and your children whether you want to or not. Truly, I think your feelings for this lover seems more like strong infatuation than love itself. However, it doesn't seem that you have enough love and respect for your fiance either, even if you DO have a certain amount of care for her.
The sad thing is that your headed for a train wreck no matter what route you take. At the end of the day, there is no positive outcome and your Fiance WILL be devastated. you could easily choose to lie about the ordeal and conceal it from her, but good luck not feeling disgusting knowing you were sleeping with two women at once. That and you seem like the kind of guy whose going to feel too guilty about it and it'd probably end up screwing up your relationship anyway. I guess the best advice I can give you is make a choice and brace yourself.
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female
reader, Theoneandonlybutterfly +, writes (29 July 2008):
 Wow i cant believe you would do this to your kids and your lover too! You are about to get married and she had your kids been there though thick and thin!! Have you had a disagreement with this lady yet have you cried and experience pain with this other lady i know you have with you baby mom because i know she had to go through thick and thin with u and dont think she dont know because she do know you step out on her and you need to step up and think how your kids will feel about u leaving there mom for another woman because she going to be hurt and cry and little kids feel things like that on there parents especially there mother wow why did you do this was you not happy u need to make a decision and just remeber this you hurt one person when you break up with lover and you hurt 3 people with your baby mom your decision make the right one!!!!
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female
reader, bbslv +, writes (29 July 2008):
Why did you exchange phone numbers with this 21-years old girl? If you cared for your Fiance's feelings and did not want to hurt her? You were already cheating to her when you exchange numbers with this cinical girl.Your fiancé is only 32 years old and you are already dumping her for a younger woman? How would you feel if it was the mother of your children who gave out her phone number?Stop this non-sense for the sake of the children, you cannot split sibblings like you do with puppies. This selfish stupid girl is not mature enough to understand how families work and here you are disgusting with your mistress the fake of your loved ones! Do it leave your fiance but leave the children to her and be financially responsibile, she deserves better she is so young she will find a caring man who will really loved her and care for her and the children, there are plenty of men out there that are not selfish and wish to have a family like the one you gave up for pleasure.About the cute and hot 21-years old, 14 years your junior, the same way she gave you her phone number she will do when she encounters another man who pays more attention to her than you. You asked "How can I choose between 2 very special people?"Believe me you will be so happy choosing the special 21-years old woman. I wish you the best go ahead break your family and finish what you started do not hold the pain to your fiancé and the kids because a good man is somewhere waiting to have your "Special Fiancé" and to give her and the children all the love and respect they deserve.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 July 2008):
In the immortal words of John McEnroe, you have GOT to be kidding! Which head are you thinking with?
Look, I'm sure your lovely, caring, wonderful, so connected-to-you 21 year old girlfriend would be perfectly happy to take one of the children away from their mother. Gee, that sounds really mature and caring and in the best interests of the children. NOT!!!!
She is playing happy families with you, and has got you somehow convinced that this would be okay, and would be normal? And you, their father, the one who is supposed to be responsible for their welfare and bringing them up in the best possible environment and putting their needs above yours if at all possible, you're actually going along with this kind of thinking?
Wow, she must be one hot 21 year old.
I wonder how long she'll be happy, tending a toddler, or a school-age child, while her friends are out enjoying themselves and their single lives. I'd give it a year, tops. Then suddenly, the romance will have gone out of the affair, and the passion will likely cool to a simmer, and it'll be getting the child fed and bathed and put to bed, only to wake up at 3 in the morning with a fever and throwing up and then who's going to take care of the child, who's going to stay home and make sure the child sees the doctor if necessary. And when the bills are due, and the shopping and laundry and ironing need doing, suddenly, this is all going to look a bit less like happy families and whole lot more like the boring old life you apparently share with your fiance.
And she'll be 22, and still young and still hot, and maybe she'll give her phone number to another handsome man, and because life is a bit boring, she'll try to spice it up by having phone sex with him, and one thing will lead to another, and you'll be left with a traumatized child and a shredded relationship with the child's mother. In fact, there will be two traumatized children, because they will have been separated.
What are you smoking?
You need to stop this wishful dreamy thinking and get down to reality. This is going to end in tears for somebody, and for heaven's sake, don't let it be the children.
THINK this all the way through, please. You're already short-changing them if you're spending weekends away from them, not to mention leaving the burden of the childcare squarely on your long-suffering fiance.
You are so selfish this is boggling my mind.
I'm sorry for this rant, I'm sure it's a very touching love story, but what about the love story you started with your fiance. Is this how you plan to end it? By taking one of her children away from her? Nice, very nice.
I think you should choose the 21 year old, and give your fiance the freedom to find a man who will stick to his commitments and get on with her life. And she gets the children, they deserve better than being raised by a selfish 21-year old and a selfish 35-year old.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2008): Either way you choose - telling your fiance about the affair and deciding to stick with her (haha, if she LETS YOU), or picking your mistress (face it - that's what she is) and deserting your fiance, I feel sorry for your children.One way or the other people are going to get hurt, and hurt badly - especially your wife and kids. I hope you lean to the side of COMMON SENSE and stay with your fiance. She deserves better than what you're giving her now. I mean, she's your FIANCE and you're off with another girl before the wedding has even taken place! I would strongly suggest coming clean with your fiance and cutting off the affair. Stop being selfish and think about your family. The longer you put it off the more painful their reaction will be, and less likely for your fiance to forgive you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2008): I think it's best if you split with your fiance, seems like you won't leave your affair so do the right thing.
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female
reader, lexilou +, writes (29 July 2008):
 Why did you feel it was acceptable to exchange phone numbers with this girl in the first place????!!!!
And as for having one child each, dont be silly you cant split them up for goodness sake.
You have made your bed and must lie in it. You HAVE to choose between them and I think it will be your lover. Fine if thats what you want but be prepared for a lot of heartache and pain for your fiancee and children. Its not fair to keep stringing her along when you love this other woman so much. Be a man and make a decision x
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