A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I was 22 (1990) when I met my ex who at the time was 46. We dated for 2 1/2 years. We had so much fun together. We enjoyed each others' company. The sex was unbelievable. Everything about the relationship was passionate. He was really hung up on the age difference. He decided that I needed to date someone my own age, get married, have children and forget about him. I am 41, married now(almost 11 years)to a great guy, we have 2 children, but I have never forgotten about my ex. I didn't see him or talk to him (he moved away). About 2 years ago I got a call from him. He just wanted to say 'hi' and see how I was. The calls (about 6-7 calls) never got to personal and were very short. Then in December he said he wanted to see me. I shouldn't have gone but I wanted to see him. We talked for about 45 minutes. He told me he missed all the fun we used to have. I have described the feeling of being with him like being on some sort of drug. It's intoxicating. My husband doesn't know about this ex at all. I love my husband but I don't feel the same kind of Passion with him as I did with my ex. I don't want to have an affair and I don't want my children to grow up in broken homes, but I don't want to live without that passion. Any thoughts, opinions, or comments on this?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, MovieMan  +, writes (5 October 2008):
The answer to your question lies in the state of your marriage and in exactly what effect an affair, or not having an affair, will have on all concerned. The effects of inaction might be as profound as any action. It's not just you and your own happiness at stake any more. My own unhappy parents stuck together for life and the net result was misery for everyone. Don't be ruled by passion though. Passion is a wonderful thing, but it does change over time. You can't expect it to last forever, and you can't bring back the past. Don't get hung up on age differences though. I'm sixty and I'm fitter now that I ever was. I can play three sets of tennis, or dance all night, as can any sixty y.o. who takes care of himself. Sixty is not old. In the end ten or twenty good years is a whole lot better than a life of compromise.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008): I have never forgotten my ex everything is beautiful when your that young, he was 46 can you imagine yourself with a 22 year old guy..Oh God..Now imagine him with a young hottie..it was a different time..Your 41 hes 65 just ready to retire, I cant imagine him being the same man like he was 17 years ago..Give your husband a chance dont through something so precious for a romp with someone who enjoyed the ego trip he got when he was with this child...I cant imagine my daughter with a 46 year old man, you are lost in your world right now, you need to be romanced again, this ex will only be charming you in the begining...Remember what made you fall in love with your husband, something made you love him ..... you married him right for a reason...:-)Talk to your Husband...GOOD LUCK SWEETIE
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2008): I think you have one decision to make - is having sex with the ex worth getting a divorce for? If you want sex with him that badly your should leave your husband and then do it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2008): Once you take that step to have sex with a man who is not your husband you cannot undo it. You cannot pretend it didnt happen - it will be a done forever. It is likely you will wake every morning with a sick feeling in your stomach knowing you did not do the right thing - you will feel consumed with guilt. It may seem appealing at this point in time to have passionate sex but passion fades and it is likely the affair will reach a point where you feel the deepest regret that you betrayed your husband. Marriage is sacred and long lasting ones should be treasured, nurtured and respected as special. Your marriage is a relationship that has deeper meaning than what is likely to be a cheap thrill for a limited period of time. Do you want to feel sick, guilty, cheap and lose your self respect - you only have to do it once but when you have taken that step you cannot undo it - I speak from experience.
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A
male
reader, davie +, writes (11 February 2008):
The best scenario you have is to try and create more passion between yourself and your husband.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (10 February 2008):
 You say you love your husband. Do you love him enough not to crush his soul by cheating on him? By the way, in my books, meeting the other guy was cheating. It was cheating because of your state of mind when you went to see him. I imagine you prepared yourself to look pretty because you wanted him to remember you in that way. It excited you. The fact you didn't tell your husband speaks volumes about your motives. At the moment yo met the other guy, your husband was not even in your mind.
All I can say is this. The fact you played this game with him is a slap in the face to your husband. You knew what this other man wanted, what you wanted and your husband had no clue. Your husband is fighting a war for his wife and he doesn't even know he's in battle. How can he compete with some guy who was old enough to be your father and you were just a young woman. You're seeing the past through rose colored glasses. This older man was dating you when you had nothing else on your plate. No kids, bills, mundane chores, routine work etc. Of course you remember all the times, your skirt in the air and his pants at his ankles. You had nothing else to do!! Of course that sounds great. It's not today though.
Let's not forget that this guy may have had motives too. I'm almost 45. I know many young women who are 20-22. I'm also wise enough to understand they are in a different stage of life. They have tight bodies, carefree and are probably really interested in sex. That is all they have to offer. I'm not putting them down but they really don't have the life experience that only time can teach you. What does a single man in his mid 40's have to lose if some young woman is having sex with him? The answer is nothing. Most men would love the opportunity.
On scale of "what's common", 46 year old men do not usually make great partners for 22 year old women. It can work but not usually. He had more to gain from the relationship. Life is supposed to be a journey and it's "probably" best done with someone your own age. Really, what does a 22 year old woman have to offer a 46 year old man. You MUST see it through his eyes. What is he lacking in his life? At 22, what did yo have to offer a man that age, beside sex. I'm not saying you were not intelligent or decent either.
I may take some heat for those ideas but they are generalizations. I'm aware that many relationships have worked where there was an age difference. It is not the norm though.
Finally, let me ask you this...would you have a relationship with a 20 year old young man?
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A
female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (10 February 2008):
 Hi,
If you dont want an affair then you shouldnt have one.
Perhaps you are dreaming about what might no longer exist. It was a good time while it was let it remain that way instead of having regrets.
As the other aunt advised u should share your passions and desires with your husband.
Kelly
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A
female
reader, Dawnie +, writes (10 February 2008):
 Well like you say you don't want an affair. Everyone has a past, you split up with your ex because of the age difference. You may have had unbelievable sex then, doesn't mean it would be like that now. He's now well into his 60's. How about trying to create passion with your husband, communicate with him, you must have interests together? I think your ex was wrong to contact you after all you are now married with children and have moved on with your life. You need to focus on your marriage, forget your ex. Hope it all works out.
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