A
female
age
30-35,
*DM
writes:Hey, I've almost finished with collage, am about to start univsity and have a steady boyfriend. Just on problem, I found out I'm pregnant. My parents where a little upset but are ultimetly okay with it and say they will help out so I can carry on with my education. My boyfriend is another matter entirely, it's not that he isn't supportive, just overly so. His parents are older and have brought him slightly old fashioned so when I told him, he insisted on us getting married (which, in all honestly, is something I haven't found appealing since I was young) him going to work with his dad (he's a builder) and I giving up my education (and my dream of becoming an author) to look after the child 24/7. I don't want to give the baby, my boyfriend or my education up, what shall I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (2 July 2009):
 Hello my darling,
First off, congratulations on the baby! Wonderful news.
Now you didn't give a ton of information in your question... I'm wondering if your boyfriend is demanding that you give up school or is trying to make things easier for you by saying, "no honey, I'll take care of you, you just stay home and be with the baby". That wasn't clear. But, here are my thoughts.
Just because you are going to have a baby doesn't mean you need to give up all your hopes and dreams. You especially don't need to give up your education. What this does mean for you is that it's going to be a real challenge for you to do everything you want to do, but it is NOT IMPOSSIBLE. It takes real courage to want to go to school with a child, but it is also very courageous committing to being a Mother - so don't feel bad if juggling school and a newborn gets to be too much. I was born while my Mother was starting graduate school, and it was HARD for her, but she did it and she never has regretted it. She's a great role model for me, and if you go to school you'll be a great role model for your child.
Now being an author... you don't necessarily need to get a BA to be an author. An English degree is certainly more helpful ultimately, but if you just want to write novels, your talents will speak most of all for you. And, community colleges offer GREAT community courses (non credit courses) in writing - I've taken a few. They are really fun and you learn a lot. So check out what your community college is offering and you can learn the ins and outs of publishing, writing, all kinds of "How To"s (How To write a suspense novel, harlequin, how to beat writers block, etc.). You also have the option of taking online courses and completing your degree that way... that way you can stay at home while getting your education. Or a least getting a good kick start until the baby is old enough to attend day care (most colleges and universities have day care on campus).
You are lucky to have supportive parents. Fantastic! Talk to them... they can really help you on your way. Have an honest conversation about your future - they care about it as much as you do. But in terms of school, you need to act NOW. Do things sooner than later, because it will only get more difficult to find time to get to school. Your parents will be more supportive now, with the first grandkid rather than in 5 years, when you have two kids. Or whatever. But act quickly!! If you want a degree, you need to start working on it asap!
School will not be a picnic for you, you'll be not getting enough sleep, you'll be lactating during class, and while you're chasing after Junior, the last thing you'll want to do is write a paper on the Greenhouse Effect. But you know what? I'm betting that you'll thank yourself later in life. I worry that you'll grow to resent your boyfriend or worse - your child, for holding you back from your own dreams and ambitions.
Also, don't get married if you don't want to. Rushing into a marriage because you feel pressured to is just not a good idea, even if you do have a child together. Now I'm all for getting married, however getting married because you feel that you have to isn't really a great reason to get married. The child deserves loving parents, and getting married when you don't feel ready or into it I suspect will push you farther from your boyfriend and your feelings towards him could get more negative. So tell him that you love him and that you are dying to stay together, but getting married is just not what you want to do right now. Maybe get engaged (if you want to), but wait on it for about a year and see how things are going. A new baby will add hurdles in your relationship together, and a marriage that you don't really want will add even more. So I think if you actually want to keep this relationship happy and strong, you should get married when you feel ready and like that is what you truly want to do.
Wow. I went on. And I could probably keep going!! But, I think you get the picture. GOOD LUCK. Believe in yourself. And if you end up staying at home and being a Mom around the clock, there's a lot of pride to have in that too.
Congratulations, sweetness!!
A
female
reader, lovnlife +, writes (2 July 2009):
its hard juggling your career your dreams and a family but not impossible i mean the baby will need and want mommy there all the time but you said that you have help and you will need it if you love him them marrage should not scare you you are lucky you get a man who loves you a beautiful baby and a supportive family plus your career stop worring you hit the lottery girl!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2009): sorry but u should have thought About all of that before u ran off and had unprotected sex now you have to make life changing decisions and suffer the consequences it is no longer just YOUR life
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