A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Where to begin. Well, I'm a 21 year old gay male who in August moved 1,000 miles away from home to attend graduate school in another part of the country. Moving here was a big challenge not knowing anybody, and another gay graduate student suggested I make an online profile. Its something I never thought of doing, but I said "heck, why not?" Anyways, long story short, this guy (We'll call him Eric) started messaging me. We really hit it off. We had talked almost every day for about a month before finally deciding to meet. The day we were supposed to meet he had a horrible emotional meltdown (he suffers from depression) and spent the night in the hospital. Needless to say, I looked past it and met him the next night. When we met we really hit it off, and met several more times that week going out to dinner, a movie, etc. About a week later, however, I was going home for 3 weeks to work a temp job. Every day away from him we would talk on the phone constantly and text. I was and still am really falling for him. Eric then told me the news that his job had to relocate him because he was now on anti-depressants (because of his episode) and was not able to operate a machine. His job (he works for a large corporation) couldn't relocate him at the moment, and he has been unemployed for the past month. He couldn't afford rent, and told me he was going to stay with an ex in another part of the country (he had credit on an airline that did not go anywhere near where I was apparently). I was furious at him, and he respected my wishes and did not go. This drama all happened toward the middle of the 3 weeks away from him. When I got off the plane after the long three weeks, I immediately went to go see him. He actually lives an hour and a half away from me (but I live in the middle of nowhere so distance isn't an issue). Eric came to my place and we had a fantastic 5 days together. He had to go back though because he got another interview (no luck) and was moving with a friend who would comp. him the first month's rent. I've pretty much paid for everything thus far, except in the beginning when he was first employed. We did wait for sex (almost 2 months), which made it all the more meaningful. When I dropped him off I found out he had no money at all for food and his cell phone was being turned off. I felt so bad for him and he didn't want to take money from me. Needless to say I lent him $260 to pay me back when I can. I think its a mistake to get finances involved when we've only been dating for a short period of time. Personality wise, he really has been amazing and is a total polar opposite from me. I'm really falling for him hard. His new place doesn't have a bed so I'm letting him use my air mattress for the time being. I'm supposed to see him on Friday (thru Sunday). He's so amazing and I care about him greatly, and we've made it clear about monogamy: he's even offered to give me his email and facebook accounts. And he keeps reiterating trust to me. I just feel his life is such a mess right now, and I don't want to sound snobby or conceited or anything, but I'm a doctoral student and everything is very precise in my life at the moment. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster with him at the moment. I find myself wanting to be with him against the odds, and then I find my practical self saying what am I doing with him. Its my brain versus my heart I guess. The whole financial thing is hard too: I don't want to feel like I'm a sugar daddy or anything. Remember, I'm a graduate student: that equals poverty. haha. If anybody reads this, I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to hear your opinion or responses.Best wishes,J
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male
reader, Nathan1  +, writes (11 January 2011):
Sounds like my first serious relationship. Like yourself i got taken in by a total user. I paid for a holiday for us and gave him spending money. He also suffered from depression, was an artist. I put up with his artistic temper. I was 5 years older than him and he made me feel as tho it was 25. I eventually finished with him. I subsequently found out that the 9 months we were seeing one another he had a steady boyfriend of 4 years. We had no sex for the 1st 3 months of the relationship. He made me feel fat and ugly and old. I was only 32. When i split up with him i had to rebuild my confidence. He started stalking me making crank calls. Sending vile messages off another phone. It eventually stopped. We do learn by lifes mistakes. Dont beat yourself up over it. You got out early. You wont fall for the little boy lost line again.
A
male
reader, AvgGuy1 +, writes (11 January 2011):
 Wow. That totally sucks! He's probably 'working' several guys at the same time too. What a scumbag.
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A
female
reader, petina1  +, writes (10 January 2011):
 That's how he lives his life, he is a user. He will prey on gullable people with his charm. You will now be a stronger person for it. Good Luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the great responses all. And sure enough as you suggested: i gave him the $260 on Monday. Yesterday he breaks up with me. I was a wreck yesterday, but I'm a lot better now. You live and learn, right?
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A
male
reader, AvgGuy1 +, writes (8 January 2011):
Do you due diligence. You could be getting 'played'. I'm one of those overly trusting types... and I got taken, in almost this identical manner. There are sites out there that will run information/background checks for you (for a fee unfortunately)... but you're better of finding out he's legit than getting screwed.
Another point is... what about his family (mom, dad, brothers/sisters). Can't they loan him money? Suggest that he take a job doing ANYTHING (e.g. in retail, or service [cook/waiter/etc]) just anything to make some money. That way you know that you're not TOTALLY subsidizing his living expenses. I can see paying for things you do on dates... till he gets back on his feet, but paying living expenses should be a red-flag.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo answer your question: He had opened a credit card a few years back and got a round-trip ticket through a small airline. Thats basically the only thing he has to his name. I questioned him about the whole situation, and he basically wasn't thinking when he initially wanted to make the arrangements. I completely agreed with what you said, but I guess the question is should I stick it out with him until he gets his feet off the ground and see what happens? I really dislike getting involved with money so early in the relationship. As far as his finances go, his parents can't help and he's pretty much on his own: relying on the kindness of friends for the moment. He literally has $0 to his name until he gets rehired.
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A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (6 January 2011):
He sounds very needy and you seem to be meeting those needs. You need to get on with your life and it seems to me he is bringing you down. You are offering the kind of support that comes with a serious relationship with people who have known each other a lot longer than you have. I need to ask the question for you , who else is funding him, he seems to be getting by , taking air journeys etc on virtually no income. I should delve a little in to his life for some more answers. But thats just my feelings.
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