A
female
age
36-40,
*guaSwimGurl
writes:It has been four months since my boyfriend of a year and a half, I'll just call him "J" broke up with me. J and I met through mutual friends a year and a half ago and were instantly into each other. I felt an instant attraction with him that I hadn't felt before because in my past, the guys I had dated, I was friends with initially and didn't have a physical attraction with them as much. My connection with them was more on an emotional level, where as with J I felt this "I want to rip your clothes off" attraction. He was in a band, he played guitar, he was dark, handsome, Italian looking. He was everything I never dated that I thought I wanted, My initial thought of him was he seems cocky, but it was that sense of cockiness and I guess "lean and mean" that many of us girls are attracted to, that made me so attracted to him. I know silly.... but I fell in love with him pretty quickly and the first six months were great. He was so loving, so thoughtful, and caring that I was sure I was going to marry him. He made me feel special and made me feel like I was definitely the right one for him.As time went on things started to become noticeably different. J became very jealous, possessive and controlling. Things started out slowly with me not picking up my phone on time, or not enough. Guilt was a huge factor in all of this. I was made to feel guilty when I didn't pick up my phone. Then it was that I wasn't able to talk to certain people who were my friends, one of them being an ex who I was still good friends with. J began to get upset at the drop of the hat especially if things weren't done his way or if I wasn't enthused about what he wanted to do. (i.e- playing around on his guitar when I'm at his house while I just sit there wanting to do something as a couple with him). J isolated me from certain friends or got mad when I was doing things with other people. He made me feel guilty when I wanted to go out and have a drink or go out and dance which was something I enjoyed doing on occasion before we had dated. Things began to get worse and worse as the relationship went on but I felt like if only I got rid of certain things or considered his feelings more he would stop and things would get better. Things never got better no matter what I gave up (dancing, going out for a drink with friends). Everything that went wrong in our relationship was my fault according to him, everything was my doing, and only if I stopped doing things that he didn't like, would he stop according to him. Towards the end of the relationship J began withholding affection and love from me as well as totally disregarding my feelings. When I would cry he said I was being a "drama queen." It got so bad that I had to ask him to hug me when I was upset. It is weird because the more I got denied the more I wanted him. It was like a sick obsession that I didn't know how to get rid of.Eventually, J broke up with me twice, the first time pathetically I went down to see him because he prefaced it with its not something he had to do to make it better but was something I had to do. We got back together and things never got better, it was all about his feelings and that he didn't have to be loving towards me or he only had to show love when he wanted to. Basically by the end I was crying almost every night and hating myself because I didn't know what I was doing that made it impossible for him to love me. When he did break up with me again he told me I wasn't worth it and that I stress him out and that he was talking to someone who had similar interests in a not so nice way....a few curse words could have been thrown in there. Before that second time of breaking up I had been trying to find ways of breaking up with him but couldn't so when he did I vowed to myself to never go back with him. I didn't and it was tough because with the weeks following he called me and messaged me saying how he had made a mistake that I was the one...etc. I couldn't take him back because in my head I knew it wasn't going to get better even though my heart wanted it to. Also, as a side note J began seriously dating someone only after two or three weeks of us being broken up. This too has been plaguing me and tormenting me even now after four months. He appears to be so in love, so into this new girl that I feel as if he really never loved me. Its like a pit in my stomach/a hit in the stomach for me to even think about it. I know for the most part I am better off without him, at least the logical part of my brain knows that; however at times I feel this longing for him this feeling as to why I wasn't good enough for him to love, why couldn't he love me like he apparently loves this new girl that hes been seeing for only a few months?I guess my question is how do I get rid of this horrible feeling. I feel pathetic considering its been four months. I don't want to care about him I don't want to hurt for him. Sometimes I feel it would be easier if I also had someone new in my life that I seriously dated but this isn't the case...
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broke up, fell in love, got back together, jealous Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AguaSwimGurl +, writes (1 May 2011):
AguaSwimGurl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, although I know life is not a bed of roses it doesn't excuse his actions....I'm just having a hard time getting over it...its happening just slowly and surely! Thanks for the advice!
A
male
reader, MyButtHurts +, writes (1 May 2011):
Welcome to life. God didn't promise you a bed of roses.
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A
male
reader, lowgeorge  +, writes (1 May 2011):
It is obvious the guy doesnt love you at first, that's the reason for all the jealousy and so on. And it's normal for you to care about him as you did because we girls have a very flexible mind. To forget about him, hang out with your friends especially guys, go out for the games you like best, whenever he's around, be happy and dont mind. You can even make him jealous if you want to, it is then that he will realise that what he has done is bad. But dont ever make the mistake of accepting him back. Good luck.
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