A
female
age
30-35,
*otgood
writes:I have been head over heels for this guy for over a year now.. we work together, share a desk, do the same job, and need to communicate for those reasons.i was seeing someone when we met and kind of blew him off for my boyfriend. which was a huge mistake. he eventually started seeing someone else, we were always very close got along grea and since i broke up with my boyfriend we have just gotten closer, aside from everything we are really great friends and i'd hate to lose his friendship. things have gotten out of hand a few times, he's cheated on his girlfriend with me (i haven't slept with him but its always been very close) and ive decided im sick of it.he has never treated me badly but obviously he is never going to leave his girlfriend for me and as much as i wish one day he will choose me, and as much as i'd love to just believe his words, i know its beginning to destroy me, im going insane, and its hurting me so much. i need to know how to let go and how to move on when i want him more than anything and cant avoid him or cut him out of my life because of work. if nothing less i'd like to be able to maintain our friendship, but i need to know how to fall out of love with him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2011): I am so sorry you are going through this. I am going through the same thing and I would not wish it upon anyone. I have to see my guy everyday. We are both married and have feelings for each other and it will never be. I have tried to stop feeling this way more than once and kept relapsing. I am afraid that if I don't stop it once and for all, it is going to cause me terrible emotional stress and possibly the loss of my marriage. He has made it clear he wants nothing more to do with me.I wish I could tell you there is a magic answer, especially when you cannot cut them out of your life completely. It is very difficult to control your emotions when you have to have contact with the person everyday. Feelings just do not go away overnight and we cannot control them. But we can control our actions as difficult as that may be.I would suggest limiting contact with him as much as possible. Only talk to him about work related matters and nothing else. I know that would still be hard because it would only take one smile or an ounce of interest on his end to reel you back in again. But you have to be strong and realize that this person is not the right one for you no matter what your heart is telling you. It is tough denying what you feel in your heart, no question about it, even though you logically know that this person is never going to be with you. But for your long term happiness and peace of mind, you are going to have to convince yourself that you can never be together and this may be a start to putting him behind you. Do you want someone like him who has cheated on his girlfriend? He will only do the same to you someday if you ever did get together. Think of the type of person that he is. He has kept you on the side with no regard for your feelings. He obviously does not love you enough to leave his girlfriend. It does not matter what his reasons are. His decision has been made. And as painful as it is, you are left with no choice but to let go.I hope I don't sound too harsh. I have to let go, too. I am in the same position. I feel like my world has ended and I am literally sick of drowning in my tears. My heart is ripped apart in a billion pieces. But like you I am left with no choice. When he is not going to leave his girlfriend/wife for you, he is telling you loud and clear that you are not important enough to him. He is telling you that he does not love you the way you love him. He is telling you that he is happy with his partner and it does not matter what you say or do, this is never going to change. If you rationalize it and think about it with your mind and not your heart, this may help you move on with your life.I hope this helps. Try to keep yourself busy with things that interest you and take care of yourself right now. You will need lots of TLC. You have a broken heart and it takes a long time to heal but trust me, you will heal, it is just going to take some time. Hopefully you can get yourself out there meeting new people and find someone who is really worthy of you to take your mind off this guy. This guy is not the only fish in the sea. Be sure that there are better guys out there who will love you and only you.If you can, get another job or transfer to another department. Honestly, this would be the absolute best solution. As hard as it is, CUT OFF CONTACT COMPLETELY. This is so that you can heal yourself and forget about him. I know it is not what you want to hear because he is in your heart but you have to think about you and your own well being before anyone else.Take Care! xx
A
female
reader, notgood +, writes (1 May 2011):
notgood is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for your reply, i have no concern that he will try to disrespect me in any way if i were to tell him i am done. he really is a nice guy and a really good friend, just a bit messed up i suppose. this whole situation is in part my fault, we clicked, really well, i should have given it a shot when i had a chance but i was too scared, now neither of us can completely let each other go.your list certainly does cut quite alot of people out of the equation, but thats fine, i have had enough of the unpleasant guys, right now im going to focus on figuring out how to move on from this situation, let him go and rid myself of these feelings, then im going to love me, and know that one day, someone amazing will sweep me off my feet, and this will all seem so silly. but right now the main thing is to figure out how to let him go and move on. i know what i need to do, i just cant convince myself to want to really go through with it. i sincerely have tried a million times, i always fall back into him. theres still this huge part of me screaming at me telling me to just wait it out and maybe he will come running. its so unlikely, but i cant rid myself of the fantasy, and thats preventing me from truly moving on!
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (1 May 2011):
 Your job is no doubt important to you. And you still need to project a professional image at work. Have a final brief lunch in a public place. Tell him you enjoy working with him. That you want the professional business relationship to continue. But you cannot continue the personal relationship. Assure him you will be couteous. Support him at work. Remain a good team player.But out of respect for his girl friend, and because you cannot face the clandestine relationship. That the personal relationship is over.Ask if he will respect you by not discussing the personal relationship that occurred. Ask him not to cast aspersions against your character covertly nor overtly. That you mean him no harm. And that you will similarly respect his privacy.If in any way he is disrespectful or dismissive towards you over your sincere approach then you may have a budding problem. If he gets paranoid about suspecting you will cause problems for him (which is NOT what you are intending) then i would also be cautious. Do not be in a hurry to delete his texts, emails, pictures as these may be your only insurance ,(don't threaten to ever, it is only as a last resort final last stand if required), to ensure that he will not try to character assasinate you behind your back in fear of what you might do.Please try to avoid any future relationship with a work colleague. They so often end in tears. And it is not worth it if it ever turns nasty.Now i know the following is also going to reduce the available pool of guys to choose from. But you will be avoiding a whole lot of trouble if you avoid all the following:never get involved with :1. a guy who is separated but not divorced2. A guy whose wife does not 'understand' him3. A guy who has only just divorced his wife or has only just left his partner or a guy whose partner has just died - rebound relationships usually end prematurely4. A guy who has not yet worked out WHY his last relationship ended5 a guy in jail or who has been in jail at any time in the last five years6. Any indication of being prone to controlling or abusive. No problem with gambling, drugs, or unable to handle paying his debts or owing money he can't repay. Arrogant, rude, smells, drives recklessly. You do not need such problems.7. A guy who is meaness personified. If he is mean in one area he will be mean in other ways (affection/consideration etc)I know, it is difficult. But nice good guys are just as discerning when they are looking for a nice pleasant girl who they would like to consider for a closer relationship.Lets hope the work relationship continues to be professional.
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