A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm 23, and I've been with my girlfriend for 6 months. I love her, but I don't know if I respect her. I didn't find out until a week into our relationship - 2 years before she met me she had a 1 night stand with 1 of my friends. She said that shes not like that, and was drunk at the time, after a messy split up with her ex-boyfriend. I'm not a saint myself, I never expected her to be a virgin, but I've only been with a handful of women before her. I didn't want to judge her and because he wasn't a close friend I decided to continue our relationship. When I'm with her shes makes me happier than I thought possible. But when I'm at work or shes not around, I feel physically ill knowing my friend (more of an aquaintance) has 'been there, done that'. It took me nearly a month to kiss her ( because we started out as friends) While it just took him 3 hours to get her home in bed. She thinks everything is fine, as I havent confronted her about my feelings in over a month. I don't want to break up with her, but I see no other solution? Can anyone help me?
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male
reader, Rey  +, writes (5 November 2007):
 I agree with RCN, it isn't really fair to judge her on something she did before she met you. Especially if she makes you really happy the way you say. My current girlfriend whom I love has told me about a couple of dudes she's slept with before me. At times I find it difficult to listen to and it makes me feel both jealous and a little bit self conscious, but in the end I get over it because right now she's mine and she loves me and in the end that's all that really matters.
As long as she loves you, is faithful to you, and treats you the way you deserve her past relationships have absolutely no baring on your current one. To borrow a line from a Rooney song "Love doesn't come so easily, this doesn't have to end in tragedy."
A
male
reader, PM  +, writes (5 November 2007):
 rcn has nailed how you should be handling the situation, so I'm simply going to try and make sense of the situation for you.
You do not understand this situation because you are a man who is thinking about this logically. Often times, decisions are made based on the emotional state a person's in and this occurs even MORE often when you're under the influence of alcohol. If you've ever been drunk and decided to hit on girls, you know what I mean. A man is biologically pre-disposed to be attracted to beautiful women but when we're relatively sober, we usually inhibit that part of us to some extent but when we're drunk it all comes out and we end up acting like morons in front of women.
Now look at this from her point of view. She's just broken up with her bf and may be feeling unloved or some other range of negative emotions. She gets fairly drunk and then meets a guy who makes her feel good. Is she going to be able to THINK about the situation or is she going to start basing things on her FEELINGS? If you said think, then you're missing the point. This friend of yours made her feel all the good emotions required to get her into bed and that's why it took him 3 hours and you much longer. You seem like a very logical guy and this is your strength and failing in this situation. Your logic has to be augmented with information on how emotions affect us or else none of this will make sense.
If you don't think it's possible for a girl to want to sleep with a guy simply because he makes her feel good, then let me ask you this: do you stay with because she makes you happy? Do you want to break up with her because you feel uncomfortable? Do you have a fear of something (rats, spiders, etc) and when you see it you just react?
These are situations where your emotional reactions are the primary influences of your decisions. Sure, you might say that these are little unimportant things in your life but SO IS SEX. To a woman, sex CAN be an amazingly meaningful thing, but sex can also just be about having fun. It's men and society that make it a big deal.
You need to be able to handle her sexuality. You logically understand that she's a sexual being and yet you've yet to reach the logical conclusion that as a sexual being she will have sex with whoever she deems as worthy and in whatever time frame makes sense. I'm sorry, my friend, but this is indicative of something in you are projecting on this situation.
Go read what rcn has written to you because there are some solid points there. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (5 November 2007):
 So this happened 2 years before you met her, and under the influence of alcohol? I grew up in a small town. Do you know how hard it is to date in a small town where someone you know hasn't been there, done that with at least one person you date? It's impossible.
You are doing what's called "mental masterbation." Is it fair to her to really look at something she did way before meeting you and judging her for it? You said she makes you real happy when you're together. Is that worth loosing? You found out a week after getting together, and after 6 months your considering breaking up.
With how you're handling this, I'd say you are out of line. Don't focus on the past. Be grateful you've found someone who really makes you happy. Understand what happened before you got together shouldn't be an issue now. Focus on your relationship and growing as a couple.
Here's what I want you to do. We can control our thoughts. Every time you have a bad thought about this, immediately recognize it, get rid of it and replace it with a good thought.
I wish you the best and hope everything works out for the both of you. Take care.
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