A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am reading all the posts here and get kind of jealous, that people go through all these strong emotions. I don't understand whats happening with me lately, but i don't want to be with any man anymore, not short or long term, just never.I am still a young attractive woman, i keep getting alot attention from guys, but even if i start something it ALWAYS ends in me being so dissapointed. I really don't have any expectations anymore, all i want is someone stable and with a little bit of passion. A man who cares enough at least about my orgazms. The last 2 guys that i ve been with didn't even bothered to wait for me. They just finished and went to sleep. Both of them even asked how was it for me. What is it? a joke? I answered to both of them, that i didn't have much time to think about having orgazm. One of them asked;"o, so u want more?' And after i said'what do u think?' He said, sorry, i am so tired. The other just smiled and started watching TV.If you think that this is unussual it's not. Those 2 are just 2 of many incidents like that with me. By the way, it wasn't one night stands. I don't want to date anymore, it always ends up in me being with some guy out not knowing how to get home soon. The scary part for me is that i don't care anymore. It's like my heart hardened over the years, and i don't care if ever see another guy in my bed again. I don't want to be this person. I used to look forward to sex and dates. Now i don't even pay attention to compliments anymore. 99% of my sexual encounters end up in me not being satisfied. For different reasons. either he can't really keep it up for long, or he doesn't care about my needs, or it's too fast, or he doesn't know what he is doing down there. Some try oral sex which i really like, but they don't spend much time on it. I get all turned on, and then he finishes in a few seconds. Most of the time, when i get home, i have to finish the job myself, otherwise i can't sleep.The advice i would probably get here is to get a long time partner. I am trying, but we have to meet somewhere in a middle. How cxan i start being with someone if the beggining is already lousy?Ussualy the first date is good, it has passion of novelty. I am always looking forward to next date, if i liked the guy. The second ussualy is a slight resemblance of a first one, and forget the third one. It lasts like 5 min. I ve been talking to this guy for 5 months, and we had sex once. It was great. I thought, o may be he is the one that will last. That didn't happen. we met again yesterday. It was a joke. The whole night lasted 40 min. I mean w/ me trying to keep up a conversation. He was lazy and kind of sleepy, saying that he had a hard day, and i should stop asking "investigating' questions. I said, o.k. Then we kissed, he touched my breast, then got on top of me,5 min later it was over. I layed there with my eyes open not believing that it happened again. Then he asked, how was it for me.I just got up and left. We huged politely,, i don't think i want to hear from here again.Then on a way home, i started thinking, may be it's me that doing something wrong. What do you guys think?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2010): Just to add one thing. Arct,with the last guy we did discussed it very openly. We talked for 3 months before we actually did it. Nothing works. First time he was incredible, the second time that i described it was awfull. I actually thought he doesn't like me anymore, thats how he acted.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2010): thanks HardLook, that was honest at least. I may be not that much into you (a certain man) also, but when i am in bed with that man at least i am doing my part. I think it's pretty shameless after asking a question how was it for me and receiving an answer that ' i still need a little more time', not do anything after. It's the same thing for me as asking someone if a person is hungry, and then after hearing an answer 'yes', not offering any food.
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A
female
reader, Fedupwithlies +, writes (22 September 2010):
I know this is "old fashion" maybe you shouldnt sleep with these losers. I went thru something very similar in my late 20's and early 30's. I was done with men after having very horrible relationships and a failed marriage. I was single for 7 years without a single relationship with a man.
During this time I went to school, worked on my career and raised my daughter by myself. When I met my husband (of over 9 years now) I knew he was the man I had been waiting for. I have never regretted the 7 years years of celebacy, ever. I married my husband and he is the only man I have been with in 16 years.
Value yourself. Wait for the right man. Stop sleeping with losers. If you are not married or intending to marry dont sleep with them. They dont care about you, they are just there to get laid.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2010): To be honest in a casual relationship we dont see it as a big deal. We expect you to tell us if you want something different but we wont delve to deeply into your needs. We just arent that into you.
When we have a relationship with someone who we think there may be a future with...then we take the time to learn what you want and need because we actually care about you.
Some of us take a lot of pride in making it good for a woman...in fact we wont recieve if you havent had a great time first...but most of us think if we are having a good time, then you are too. Its a little bit of selfishness and a whole lot of listening to our dicks. Just thoughtless on our parts.
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A
male
reader, Arcturius +, writes (22 September 2010):
You are absolutely right to feel that they should be concerned with your needs, the lack of consideration you're describing is ridiculous. And no, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you, of course you feel "hardened" against men, why the heck wouldn't you based on the experiences you've described? It sounds like you're dating the wrong guys. Try this: When you find a guy you like, go out 2x, no sex. Then, on date three, get him into a conversation about "What he likes/likes to do in bed". If he's a normal guy, and not one of these freaks you seem to have encountered, he'll answer the questions, and be turned on by it. You'll get your info without a disappointing experience. If he says something stupid like "Why are you asking all these investigating" questions, show him the door.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2010): Thanks for answering so fast. To answer a question about how soon i go to bed with them, it varies. Sometimes it's several dates, sometimes, it's couple of dates. Sometimes it's even the same night. That happened too. Sometimes it's months that i know a person.
In my case it doesn't realy matter. It's always, almost always they don't know what they are doing, and the cooling off part. I had long time ago a guy who knew exactly what to do. He was so excelent in bed, so caring and gentle. But there is noway i would marry him or have kids w him. Couple of behavoral problems.
Yes, i am talking mostly about sex, because in my opinion its the easiest thing to learn how to please a woman. There is not much to learn in this category. And for me it also shows how much man cares about a woman. Its not just sex, it involves other issues
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2010): Don't show that you care or love men too much too soon or maybe never because, honestly, most men say they want love, but when they meet a woman who gives them just that, they take it for granted. All most men need is a little bit of love, a lot of understanding and an ego boost most of the time...that's it. I don't like to feel heavy emotions either as I don't do well with them and my last two relationships prove this. Me caring for a man is enough for me to be faithful to him and stay with him....I don't feel as though I need to be in love with him or even love him for that matter. Think about it, back in the "olden" days, people hardly ever married for love...it was more for generational wealth, to have children, a stable home and etc.....love probably came somewhere else down the line and both men and women understood this. It's best to approach this whole love thing with logic. And for the "good people" out there who have had they're heart broken a time or two, I would say this: don't ever fall in love again with anyone...just love a little, care a little bit more, understand a whole lot and give an ego boost from time to time. Also, I am never going to be with a guy who doesn't love me more than I love him...it just won't work and maybe you should do the same.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (22 September 2010):
 Well I'm not sure how soon after meeting these guys you start sleeping with them but that might be part of the problem? It sounds like it is quite quick with you (maybe after the 1st date, 2nd date or 3rd date) - and maybe you are not giving yourself, and the guy you are dating the opportunity to develop real feelings for each other and that real desire for each other.
Correct me if I'm wrong but if you are sleeping with them from the 1st-3rd date then I would try leaving it a fair bit longer until you are really sure you are compatible in all other areas, rather than just resting all your hopes on them being great in bed. And once you have a real vested interest in each other, and both really care for each other, even if the sex is not that great then it wont be so much of a problem because you can work on it - and he will want to get better! When you are in a relationship rather than just having sex after a date you can actually tell him your likes & dislikes, and give him a bit of guidance on what works for you and what doesnt. Whereas you seem to be sleeping with them quite quickly, and then writing it off as a disaster if it is not the best sex you have ever had right away.
So the next guy you meet, that you like - wait for at least 1 month from the 1st date before you have sex. Not only will it probably improve sex when you actually do it, but it will also make him see that you are not easy and that you are potential girlfriend material, not just a quick fumble in bed.
One other thing that concerns me - you only talk about sex in this post! You start off by saying that you feel at the moment like you dont want a man ever again, but from there forwards it is purely about how men have let you down in the bedroom. You never mention love, or wanting to settle down with a great guy, you just want someone to make you orgasm it seems!
Do you actually want a serious relationship? Do you value men for their personalities or do you judge them purely on how they are in bed? What do you actually want in a man?
It does seem like sex is the main thing in your relationships and as soon as it isnt good you are out of there fast! So maybe eliminating the sex element from the relationship early on will make you look at men in a different way, and learn to like them for other reasons than what they can do in the bedroom.
I understand your thoughts that you dont want it to be lousy from the start, but I think it is this pre-occupation with having sex very early on to then judge the man on that basis which is the problem. Getting rid of sex from the relationship and actually falling for a guy might be the way forward! Sex of course is massively important in a relationship, but so are many other factors.
So if you meet someone who you are very attracted to and desire, and also get on really well together and feel like you can develop strong feelings for him - that is all you need. As long as the desire and attraction is there (and he is a good kisser!) then you can wait for sex and not have to worry too much about wasting your time.
Allow yourself to fall for a guy, and hold back from having sex until you both have real feelings for each other. I'm sure you will notice a huge difference if you try this!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, Kenj +, writes (22 September 2010):
 I dont think its anything your doing wrong, just maybe attracting the wrong type of guys.
I want you to know that not all guys are like the ones you have been with.
Its not asking too much what you want and right now youve been dissapointed so many times your giving up hope. Just try taking a break from relationships for a little while, maybe when your back you can try something like on-line dating and get to know the man more by chatting on email before meeting him.
If you do meet someone else, dont jump into bed with them on the 1st date, any guy who does that in my opinion just wants sex and nothing else.
Sure sex is nice in any relationship and I always take time to make sure my girlfriend gets her fill before I get mine.
But sex is not evrything in a relationship, its only a small part. One thing I have learnt over the years is to always listen.
You need a guy who will listen to you who will be out there somewhere.
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (22 September 2010):
 To be honest, it's absolutely fine if you don't want to be with a man right now. You are your own person and don't need a man to survive in this world.
I don't think there's anything wrong with you, you just like to feel respected and appreciated. It's not that much to ask is it???
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