A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I was chatting with someone online for about 5 years. He finally moved to my country. I have seen him several times since he moved here. We get along well, he seems very serious. He reminds me he moved here for me. We haven't had sex yet because I'm not ready to. He seems to pressure me though and try to make me feel guilty. I told him to be patient. He keeps saying, "it's been 5 years, I have been patient ". How can I make him understand that I want sex to come naturally not be forced ? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (17 October 2023):
 I would discontinue the friendship. Verbal pressure could turn into physical force too easily. Follow the discomfort in your gut, this is off.
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (17 October 2023):
I would discontinue the friendship. Verbal pressure could turn into physical force too easily. Follow the discomfort in your gut, this is off.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2023): Woah! I'm the one who wrote about "James". Sounds like I was eight, you had no plans of meeting him in person and if you had any idea he'd move to your country where he'd be able to become a common feature in your life, you probably wouldn't have talked so much to him. These were his plans all along, I promise. Of course he didn't tell you he was moving till last minute- takes away your excuses for not seeing him. Now he's going to wear down your excuses to hold off sex. Listen to yourself: you only thought of him as an online chatting buddy but now you're considering getting to know him to maybe have sex? I don't think so! I think you feel trapped, or at least you ought to! Be HONEST with him. It will piss him off but say, "I never intended to have a relationship, especially not a sexual one. I still don't intend to". If he guilty trips you bc he moved there for you, that's his problem. Not only did you not ask him to move close, you didn't know he was doing that. And you probably didn't/don't want him that close.
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male
reader, kenny +, writes (16 October 2023):
 I would be very cautious over this situation because I sense a red flag.
You were chatting for five years, so you had not actually met. Him saying he came here for you and is now pressuring you into something your not ready to do.
This is not normal, and would be wary if I was you. you could very well sleep with him then never see him again.
Good luck OP, and tread carefully around this one because something just not seem right.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2023): Hi I'm the Op thanks for your replies.
To clarify, no, we weren't a couple for 5 years. Just talked online sometimes. I considered him an online chatting buddy. I really didn't even know he was coming to my country until 2 days before his flight!
I like him, but I'm not in love with him. I am feeling confused because everytime I see him, he wants sex. I've explained I'm not that type of person, and IF it did happen, it needs to happen naturally. Not by him pressuring me. He is working here. He didn't work in his country.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (15 October 2023):
 If you had been actually dating for 5 years, I would agree that he had been patient. However, this is obviously not the case. You have been chatting on line for that time. All you know about each other is what you both want the other one to know.
I find the fact that he moved to another country on the basis of some casual on-line chatting a bit disturbing. It's one thing to go and visit the person for a holiday, quite another to move your whole life there. That would be a huge red flat in my eyes.
If you are already feeling pressurized to have sex, imagine the pressure he will apply after you have been intimate and he wants more - like marriage. What if you don't feel the same way?
I'm sorry but I have serious misgivings about this man. Please keep yourself safe.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2023): I think it is his duty, not yours, to make you trust him and eventually sleep with him. It cannot be done by pressing and complaining.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2023): He reminds you that he came over to live in this country because of you? Really. Rubbish. He came over because of him, for his sake. For his hopes and dreams not yours. Why would you be hoping he comes over if you are not in a relationship yet and barely know him? If he is hoping that happens that is his dream and he is acting upon trying to make it a reality. If he had had a terrific life where he was he would have stayed there. Ask yourself how come he could not get a good life where he was? Or a girlfriend? To be honest that ought to make you realise that there is something not right with him? Has he got a good job and income? Is he solvent? Has he been in prison? What clouds his ability to have a normal good life in the other country? Where it is so bad he moves to be with someone he has no real relationship with?!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2023): You are not GOING TO convince him to be more patient! I had a similar situation with a guy here in the states many years ago. I'm not telling you what happened to me to make this all about me, but to show you what could happen. "James" lives on the west coast (usa). I live in the Midwest. We met on LiveJournal and I posted many "private" or "intimate " things for strangers to read precisely BECAUSE they were strangers. My LiveJournal friends (it was friends only) were real life friends who wouldn't judge or screen shot and show my family. The strangers would have to be very computer savoy and vengeful and bored to do that. My username was nothing to do with my name or location, I rarely posted anything but face pics, no pics of my son, no identifying pics of location (no street names, never named my town just said "Midwest usa". I was careful. "James" and I talked through LiveJournal chat or AIM (it was that long ago. He also emailed me a few times, no web cam stuff. He, after 3 years, would.not.stop. pressing me to visit or let him visit. This began to scare me because I've always wanted to keep online friends where they belong: online. I thought I was being smart and careful, I was naive. I blocked James from every means of reaching me and changed my username and got rid of my AIM. That was inconvenient but he still found out means of reaching me by frequenting chat forums I used, picking up on my writing style and language and topics and pretending to be someone else. He revealed himself and told me he'd booked a plane and a hotel - he was coming to visit so we could meet up and "finally f**k". I was terrified. He showed me my workplace, school, and home addresses among other things. Said "we've been talking long enough, it's time to meet up". All along, he was "patient" to meet me.Like "James", your guy may have taken five years to do so, but he always planned to not just visit but MOVE to your country to be with you. He had no plans to be "just friends " or to stay online where you were both free to tell whatever you wanted and keep to yourself what you wanted. To him, moving to your country doesn't mean the "getting to know each other" phase is ready to begin, nor does that mean you can START dating in person to SEE IF you're compatible. To him, that's over with and unnecessary. To him, he's waited more than long enough for the sex part. He has no intention of waiting or courting or giving you a chance to get out of it. Even if he lived three miles from you, he would have wanted to hurry through the dating/courting part, skip the friendship, and get to the sex part. That's because many men today don't go into things wanting to do all that for long because it gives you too much time to back out of the sex and change your mind or "keep things the way they are". To him, he's put in plenty of time, energy, and investment and he wants a "return" on all that. Meanwhile, you now are unsure if you really want sex or a relationship that includes sex. Now that your "excuse" for not being in close proximity is taken away, so has your safety net. I'm scared for you.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (14 October 2023):
 Exactly how do you see "come naturally not be forced".? This looks like a vague expectation. Have you been in a relationship before where sex just came "naturally"?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2023): But why does it feel forced ? After 5 years, you should know him fairly well, know if you trust him , if you see yourself long term with him, etc.etc. And also, it would be sort of normal if you couldn't wait to get intimate with him . Do you find him physically attractive, or you were disappointed when you met in person ?..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2023): Oh, OP, I don't like this at all!
He moved to another country because a person he chatted with online?! Thsi sounds, well, a bit crazy!
You don't move to anbother country because of someone you have never seen in your life and do not really know!
And OP, youd on't know him either!
Have you met his family, any of his friends, do you really know his history?
Trust is something you build and online relationships are not good for that. You know only what this person wants you to know! And if he feels ofended because of that, it's his problem! Have you guys tested yourselves for STDs? I mean, the list of question is very long.
I don't like that he's guilt tripping you and pushing you, it says A LOT about a person.
Just tell him that if he loved you hee'd give you timle to get to know him better. (medical tests indlucded).
A friend of mine was eager to finally lose her virginity at 30. She found a guy and trusted him. He lied about being tested and gave her chlamydia AND gonorrhea! And since these two STDs can be treated, she was lucky.
Please find out whatever you can about him, do not really only on his word.
Thats' the main problem I have with online dating, vs. meeting someone directly. You simply don't know anyone who knows him. My other friend learned from her family that er bf was having another kid with his "estranged wife". See what I mean?
Good luck and put yourself first!
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