A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating my boyfriend for over 8 months. About 4 years ago, I ended a relationship with a man who turned out to be married (I fully believed him that he was separated and in the process of divorce..it turned out that he was literally living a double life with me and his wife for 2 1/2 years.) As such, I have MAJOR trust issues, as it was a huge slap in the face to realize that someone can look you in the eye and flat out lie to you.My current boyfriend knows about all of this, admits to having cheated on girls in the past (in high school...we're both in our 30s now), but he swears up and down that he would never cheat on me. He has become very frustrated because I, admittedly, am constantly questioning him about his past relationships, about female co-workers/friends, etc. Because he has a 4-year-old son (of whom he just won primary custody), he said he doesn't want to expose him to this type of drama, so I have started seeing a therapist to work through my trust issues.That being said, some things have happened where I can't figure out if I'm just being paranoid and crazy because of what happened to me in the past, or if it's my gut/instinct telling me something. The first time was a few months ago when something possessed me to look at his phone (something I swore I'd never do.) I saw texts from a female friend, where she was saying that she stopped by his house and he wasn't there. It turns out that she's an old friend from college who used to watch my boyfriend's son when he was a baby (my boyfriend went to college late because he was in the military, so this girl is 24.), and he said (after getting over his irritation at my looking at his phone) that she was back in the area (she's going through a divorce) and that's just how she is. She tried stopping by again, he told me about it, and told me that he told her to call first because he's often at my apartment. One night, I was at a friend's house, and when I came back to his house, he told me that she had stopped by and he allegedly told her that he wasn't comfortable having her there without me knowing or home, so she only stayed for 1/2 an hour (which seems like awhile) and left. He said that he had no idea she was stopping by.About a month later, I was looking at our cell phone bill (we are on a family plan), and I saw that this girl had called and texted him that very same night about 20 minutes before she stopped over. I confronted him about it, and he swore up and down that she said nothing about coming over, and expressed his increasing frusration over my trust issues, saying he's been very patient and understanding, but it's starting to wear on him.A couple weeks later, he went out with his brother, and texted me that his boss (a female) asked if he and I wanted to come meet her at a bar. I was already in bed, asked what he was going to do (as a sign to tell him that I trusted him if he still wanted to meet her), and he said he was just going to stay with his brother. He came home very late that night, told me he had just hung out with his brother, we even TALKED about his boss being out, but that was it. I had a very bad feeling the next morning, and again, something prompted me to look at his phone. I proceeded to find text messages between him and his boss asking what his favorite drink was, him asking what bar she was at, where they (it was a group) were sitting, etc. I flipped out, he said we were done (was very angry that I looked at his phone AGAIN), and claimed that he was going to tell me that morning, but just didn't want to get into an argument when he was tired and had been drinking the night before. We were broken up for a day (this was two weeks before his custody hearing, so he was under a lot of stress), then talked it through and got back together.After winning custody this week, he made plans to go out with his brother, stepbrother and friend to celebrate (I was out of town visiting my grandparents.) I was nervous (he's a very outgoing and good-looking guy and I see the way girls look at him), but am still working on getting through these trust issues, so tried my best to be cool about it. When I came home, he told me about their night, told me about some of the girls they met, that he told them he had a girlfriend, and that he did help a girl out by grabbing her hand when a creepy guy was trying to dance with her. He also told me that he put a girl's number in his phone for his friend (his friend doesn't have a cell phone), as well as this girl's friend, because she said they should all hang out sometime (he said she knew he has a girlfriend as well.) He said that he only had their numbers, he doesn't have theirs.Well, this morning, I went to pay the cell phone bill, and I see multiple text messages from a number I don't recognize from 2, 3, 4 in the morning the night he was out (he did repeatedly text me all night to assure me he was thinking about me, etc.) The same number was also texting with him the morning that I was coming back into town. I texted him to let him know that I saw his text detail when I paid the bill and he said "that's fine, I have nothing to hide." When I asked him about the texts, he said that he had texted the girl his friend liked to tell her it was a good thing she didn't go home with him because he passed out. He says that they texted back and forth about that the ones in the morning were her responses from the night before. He said he forgot that she would have gotten his number since he texted her, and that he didn't do anything wrong. Problem is, the phone bill shows that she texted him first (after he claimed that he didn't give out his number and would never.) I also saw that he called/texted the 24 year old from above right before he went out.I know he is getting frustrated with my constant questioning and paranoia, as am I, but the last thing I want is to be the idiot girl again who is being made to be a fool. On the other hand, if he IS a good, honest guy and isn't doing anything wrong, I feel horrible. I don't know what to do...please help!
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female
reader, Serenity1 +, writes (24 March 2009):
 Im not taking any sides but if you don't stop snopping, you're going to run this guy away...
It's not he's fault you've been cheated on in the past...so don't blame him...
Just remember what's done in the dark always comes to light...If he feels as though you're suffocating him by checking his phone and asking a thousand questions, you're going to basicly give him to the girls who aren't pestering him about every little thing he does...
Let him go out with his brothers and friends...whether he gives someone his number or not he's still coming home to you which says alot about his commitment to you...but I'll say it again if you keep it up your going to run him away from you...
A
female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (23 March 2009):
 it's hard to let go of the pain and humiliation of having been cheated on (trust me, I know personally).
The only thing you can really do is accept that people are going to do what they are going to do, and you can't force them or bend them to your will.
in a perfect world, everyone would be open and honest and not hide anything, and would end one relationship before starting another. Sadly that doesn't happen.
I think it is great that you are seeking counseling. Even if things with this guy doen't pan out, you will be steps ahead of where you were.
Trust and honesty is a fine balance. I'm worried that he gets upset that you have looked in his phone, but at the same time, he could jsut start deleting things and really hiding stuff from you.
I think what is really going on is he is just very comfortable with where he is at in his life, and because he truly has nothing to hide, he might not even have the faintest idea as to how fishy relationships with other women are.
Sit down with him, or ask him to come with you to your counseling session. If he has a better understanding of what triggers you off, he can better monitor his behavior. He shouldn't have to cut off all contact with work associates and friends, but it he can bring you a long for nights he goes out, you can see how his behavior is. Maybe he just is friendly to everyone, male or female.
I think it would really help oth of you to go to counseling together to get a better understanding of what each of you need in order to be more comfortable in this relationship.
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