A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Where to begin? My issues with this relationship have been ongoing. The guy and I were friends and coworkers when we first got together, a rebound relationship after his devastating divorce and subsequent lay-off left him crushed. I was needy too, overweight and loveless, and we had always had a connection, so, against my better judgement, I responded to his advances. Our relationship seemed to blossom into more than just a rebound. I lost a lot of weight and he began putting his life back together, but, after 10 months together, with lots of great memories, he admitted that he still wasn't sure what he wanted, that he wasn't able to love me as deeply as I deserved to be loved, and we broke up. Simultaneously, he took a job five hours away and moved. In the meantime, although I told him I needed some space, he relentlessly pursued a friendship, and I gave in.It's been about seven months now of a lot of back and forth, a lot of hot and cold from him. I've visited him a few times and he's visited me a few times. At first, we did kind of fall back into the physical realm of the relationship, but, afterward, i told him that I wanted to remain platonic. For a few months, I was doing well, able to move on and dating other guys. Then, last month, he came in town and was behaving like a boyfriend, taking me out to dinner, walking with his hand on the small of my back, stroking my hair, and I finally broke down and admitted that I still had feelings. He said that he did as well, but that a long distance relationship would be impractical and difficult.Fast forward another couple of weeks. He'd gone to Vegas for a friend's birthday party over the weekend, and had mentioned wanting to look really sharp to attract the ladies (he is not very outgoing, socially, but lately has been wanting to change his image and force himself to take more risks, socially--pre-midlife crisis?). I asked him how things went, even though my heart felt like it was in my throat. He said things went well, that he had felt confident and looked good in his new clothes. Finally, I broke down again and told him to just tell me to move on if he was actively looking for someone else. I told him that I couldn't shake my feelings, that I loved him, unapologetically.He told me, quite plainly, to move on, that he was actively seeking someone else. He said that he was "touched" that i still loved him so (condescending, much?).I asked him, "So, even if I lived where you were, you wouldn't be with me, right?"He said, "I can't promise you that. I don't want to lie to you."We went back and forth for a while, him telling me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, but that he still needed to explore, that it was more of a test for himself that it was about the relationship.After the conversation ended, I withdrew for about a week, from social media, chat, etc. It wasn't even four days before he sent me an email, then two texts, one of which wished me a "Happy Valentine's Day." I didn't want to seem spiteful, only indifferent, so I sent polite, non-engaging replies.He sent more emails last night, asking me how my weekend was. I replied, but, again, kept my answers rather short. I am not sure what to do. I care about him and do think that we have a friendship that is worth keeping, but I also don't want to be the fallback girl he uses for emotional support while he goes out and looks for some fantasy woman. Some friends think I should stop talking with him altogether, regardless of his feelings for me and vice versa. Most people believe that he truly does love me, but is too stupid and confused to recognize it. Right now, I am not contacting him nor engaging much with him when he does contact me. I am joining some singles groups and immersing myself in training for my first triathlon. I'm hoping that, maybe, with time this will sort itself out, that maybe I'll meet someone else who will give me hope that there are other great guys out there.
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broke up, co-worker, crush, divorce, long distance, move on, overweight, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAs I've said, I cut off any physical relationship early on, so this guy is NOT using me as a booty call. However, it is clear that he is using me for emotional support.I think the anonymous poster is absolutely correct, that I need to keep moving forward, and find someone who really will value me. I think this guy isn't able to appreciate me now. He isn't ready for someone as great as I am, and so, he doesn't deserve all of the love and attention I've given him in the past.Again, today, he made sure to IM me while I was online, asking me what I was up to. I told him I'd been busy with a bunch of things, and then cut off the conversation as I needed to run errands. I'm not sure why he is so afraid of me leaving him. Maybe it's because he knows I'm the best thing he will probably find, but he still wants to go through this whole "single and dating" thing because he never really did when he was younger. Either way, I know that I deserve better than to be his "Plan B" or fallback girl.I'm keeping my chin up, and I appreciate all of the support from people here. Thanks so much!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2013): I have seen this happen to some of my girlfriends and it has happened to me as well...that cliche hot and cold. One moment they tell you they love you, you mean the world to them, they cannot live without you and the next, they withdraw from the world, chat and do who knows what with the opposite sex and are absent for a while.....then they come back and so it goes on and on.What took me a year to realize is this fact: just because someone comes BACK to you over and over again, does not mean they like you or want to be with you. To women, it may appear that way. You ask yourself: well, if he didn't care about me, why would be come back? He has to like me on some level or else they'd be with one of those girls. Maybe he simply doesn't know what he wants.Wrong. What he gets from you is an ego boost. He can ditch you as many times as he wants, but he will still have someone at the end of the day that loves him. It's a HUUUGE ego boost to know that someone is still holding a candle for them, even though he has told you he can't commit. And not only does he have your heart, but he gets your company and sex! He can complain, vent, share his life stories and getting some ass all in one. Talk about a good deal!But even though it may not seem like it will not happen, one day he simply won't contact you. You may send him a message and he will not respond. After 2, 3, 6 months you may not hear from him, period. You may not hear from him ever. Why? Because he will find someone or something to keep him occupied, or he will find the person that he is actually in love with and you'll be dropped like a hot potato. You won't even get a "hello" from him.Take my advise and just cut all contact. Clearly you cannot be trusted to be in touch with him. Block his number, block him on all social media and move on with your sexy new self.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2013): What is love. ... It is and means a lot of different things to diffident people... I feel he cares (loves) but not to the extent that he would risk everything climb the highest mountain and be with just you. And do you know what ... You deserve that kind of love, that comforting eloping evolving love that is just yours and your partners..For him you were ms rebound you picked him up, you dusted him down, you stroked his ego( you still do, and I'll explain what I mean) you gave him comfort, you gave him love, support... You were there when he needed you. No that he doesn't need just as bad, he moved on to a degree. However when he feels you pulling away, become stronger, he does things to relight that love, he turns on the charm, acts like the bf gets you believing that there is hope. When infact there is none. You stroke his ego and baby you gotta stop.Keep what your doing, short replys when you feel like it, he is lucky that you still communicate with him and if I was you I still would . Why?? To rub his nose in the very thing he has lost. You were the best he ever had. Do not and I stress do not go out your way for this man any more, he bulldozes you, runs over you and still expects that you will love him. Wait a fortnight then send a email . Gush how busy you've been and yes say he was quite correct that YOU should move on . As you have found this gorgeous guy .. Taking it slow of course lol getting to know each other.. Say he even got you listening to some diff kind of music ( pick one) which is not your norm. Make it light, don't even ask how he is and when he does reply about himself.. Railroad it.. Do not ask him any questions, instead plough on with your life, what your doing, how great you feel, how this triathlon will be one of many, how fantastic your friends and family are, get a witty story planned so you can send it.. You show him, your life still goes on. Your world does not revolve around him any longer ..He will try and woe you again .. Do not be fooled this is about him not you, and when you finally let those rosé coloured glasses fall of, they should have been before the now.. Then drop him like a tons of bricks ..Do not blink, do not feel guilty.. He does not love you, in the way you should be loved.. If you wait on continue to wait . He will keep using you.Take care sweetie, chin up... You go be the candy girl in the candy shop .. Just make sure your next sweetie, isn't sour lol and if it is dont waste your time...
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 February 2013):
 I detect that there is a little "something" that's not crystal-clear in your submittal.... and it's THIS:
IF you and he wish to remain (REAL) friends... then what's the harm in that? However.......
IF you and he are intimate (have sex) when you get together.... then the dynamic between you changes dramatically....
SOOOoooooo, do you and he engage in sex? IF "Yes," then your only REAL question is: Do you wish to remain a booty call for this guy?
Good luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think I agree that he doesn't love me, or, at least, if he does, he is too emotionally screwed up to recognize it. He doesn't know what he wants and is unhappy, and will continue to seek happiness outside of himself. I do have the self respect to walk away when I am certain that I am being used, so I will have to continue to gently pry his hands from my skirt, and keep moving forward.
If, one day, he discovers what he's lost, let him work to get me back. Most likely I will be happy with someone else by then anyway (I lost 75 lbs and am now just as much of a catch on the outside as I always was on he inside)! :)
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A
female
reader, lmao1989  +, writes (18 February 2013):
 Well basically i think your friends are trying to protect your feelings worried that you'll slip into a depression or perhaps worried you'll gain weight again.He doesn't love you he was looking for some kind of comfort and found that in you he liked the fact you were looking for that comfort too. If he loved you long distance wouldn't be a problem, the fact is he went to Vegas smartened himself up and told you to move on, he obviously didn't have a great success otherwise i can assure you he would not have contacted you further, he's trying to keep a tie with you so that when he does get rejected or feels lonely he has you to fall back in with so he will not feel lonely. He's trying to hold out until he does find someone better.I would do what you've been doing no contact and try and move on with your life.If you lived closer to him i don't think he'd be with you because of the pure fact he's hoping that he'll find someone else in that meantime.You sound like a genuine lady and i think you need to give yourself that freedom and credit and build up your confidence in yourself and find someone who is worthy of your love, care and great friendship.Hope this helps. x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2013): Sounds like he's just trying to keep you around, sort of like a booty call. Break off communication don't get caught up in a cycle of bitterness.
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A
female
reader, DeliriousOne +, writes (18 February 2013):
It sounds like this guy doesn't know what he wants. One minute he's with you then the next he is partying in Vegas? Sounds a bit shady. You see, he told you to move on but how can you if he continues to contact you, especially on Valentine's Day? I would sit down with him and have a serious conversation, and tell him how you feel and what the two of you want to happen. If he continues to give you mixed signals, then I would walk. As hard as it may be, you owe it to yourself to not settle for a man who only wants you when it is convenient for him.
Best of luck :)
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