A
female
age
36-40,
*earyme
writes:I have been with my fiance for almost three and a half years. Our relationship got off to a very rocky start. My (then boyfriend) would say negative things about me (too tall, not thin enough, wrong hair colour etc etc). I put up with this for a while before asking him to stop. After a year together we both went to work in seperate countries for three months. On our return we moved to the same area and began spending all of our time together, I suspected that he had been unfaithful to me during his summer. We talked less during the summer of his infidelity - but we were still together. I asked him several times if he had cheated on me, and each time he swore that he hadn't. A year later, during a terrible argument - he finally admitted that he had slept with another woman (15 years his senior!). Obviously I was devestated, that he had lied, that he hadn't told me sooner, that she was quite a bit older than him, that he had called me paranoid etc etc I decided to forgive him after much, heartfelt and painful consideration and we moved in together. He told of how he had made the worst mistake of his life, that he had been immature, selfish and had not been serious about our relationship at the time. He said that he thought of my differently since our relationship had become closer. We fought a lot over this and I became desperately worried that it would happen again, it became difficult for me to trust him over anything..even going to work. It was a terrible time for us both. But I had decided that I wanted to stay with him so I tried to grin and bare it. Things began to get easier after I started seeing a counsellor and tried to change my thought process. He has since asked me to marry him and I accepted on the basis that he is so different from the day I met him - everyone who knows him talks of the difference in him etc But I cant help but feel angry for the way that it has all affected me. I sometimes feel very angry at him (even if he hasn't actually done anything at the time), I sometimes feel jealous of other women (the type he used to say that he liked) and I feel that, even though it is obvious how much he loves me..that I am not good enough for anybody now because I am often angry and/or sad...It is silly really, because I have said yes to marrying him, but I dont want to be angry forever - I sometimes think, even if I did eventually go to another man - that he would cheat and lie etc etc So my question is; is there a way to forgive and forget? How do I try to think more positively and move on with my life. I feel that he has taken my ability to love myself and my ability to trust others away. But at the same time I love him and I cant picture my life without him.Sometimes it just really bothers me.
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cheated on me, fiance, immature, infidelity, jealous, move on, moved in Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, dearyme +, writes (9 January 2011):
dearyme is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have read and considered all of your advice, thank you for taking the time to read and respond - it means a lot to have some advice from men for once, usually I only talk to other women about these things, so thanks again.
I have a lot of thinking to do, you're all right in saying that things are more simple because there are no children and we are not married. It is so difficult but also nice to hear some frank and honest advice.
At the moment I feel 50/50 on the situation. I want to leave and I want to stay which is infuriating. I think I need some more time to work it out. I wish I was strong enough to leave, but at the moment - I'm not.
Time will tell all on this one I think. Thank you all again for taking the time to respond - it is greatly appreciated.
Serpico- you are right, I never thought of it in a sense of being grateful because I have the chance to get away - you're absolutely right.
Anonymous - it was weird reading your response about your wife, because I think the same is exactly true for me as well. It's definitely about having a strong sense of self and as you have rightly identified in my question, I dont yet have that.
Airwaterearthfirebender - You really struck a chord there, staying with him was my choice and it was a mistake.
A
male
reader, airwaterearthfirebender  +, writes (7 January 2011):
 Serpico...great straight up response.
Male anonymous reader of Jan. 7/10...great point you made and power to you brother you sound like a rock to deal with your situation.
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A
male
reader, airwaterearthfirebender +, writes (7 January 2011):
He did a really shitty thing to you and then lied about. To be honest, you may forgive but you may not forget. Something you hear, see in a movie, or whenever you hear the word 'cheating' may trigger your thinking in this regard. So he may have changed but it's not going to prevent you from thinking about it. If you can live without letting it affect you too negatively then consider staying in the relationship.
You should also be frank with him in communicating exactly this in that normal day to day things will trigger your thoughts and that it will be INVOLUNTARY. Just like you said, you don't or may not want to feel this way but frankly you will likely not have a choice in the matter. Just like you involuntarily breathe, so do you involuntarily think. So you will constantly be thinking about cheating (IMO) throughout your life with him if he is going to be in your life and it's going to be inevitable and natural that it will be directed at him.
So, think about that and think if you can live like that. I would think long and hard. Now you are not married and don't have kids with him (as far as I know). Consequently, aside from him, there is no marriage or kids complicating the situation.
The fact that you asked this question makes me believe that deep down you know this to be true. Petsonslly, I think you should have dumped him the first time you had suspicions and at worst when he admitted it. That was your mistake. Face it, he cheated on you and broke a fundamental basis of the relationship which is trust and integrity. Sure, he was a douche, and sure he may have changed, but that's not going to prevent you from thinking about it. It's only natural that your brain is going to not trust him on many levels and be suspicious of him.
Forget about having to be some martyr and accepting this pain your whole and/or married life (while it lasts). Forget about what other people think of him anyway, you're the one he cheated on, not them. And if you think there is no one else out there for you in the millions and billions of people on this planet then you truly are pessimistic and maybe you deserve this guy and the pain you're going to have to endure as long as you both shall live.
My advice to you...kick him to the curb (nicely and respectfully of course, but directly and with no recourse or relapse). Don't let your mind fool you into thinking that this is the only guy on the planet for you because it will also be the same mind that will torture you with the memory of his cheating every day. He made a critical move that sabatoged your relationship and its proper functioning. At the end of the day you owe this guy absolutely nothing. You are not married and you have no kids. You can make a 100% clean break. Then take some time for yourself and take it slow before getting into the next relationship. A future partner of value will respect your decision.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): Yes, you can forgive, but you won't forget.
"would say negative things about me (too tall, not thin enough, wrong hair colour etc etc)"
Just so you know, this is a BAD sign in a guy, and remember that this is a guy writing so you might want to ask some of the women here what their experience is. He cheated, second bad sign, particularly on top of the above.
I've got a friend who is like this with women, none of them measure up for long, he always finds something wrong with them, when the problem is with him.
Personally, I've been cheated on, it hurts for a long time afterward, but the pain has to do with a lot of factors.
Now, you have another problem. That is your feelings about yourself.
In my wife's case, I was happy with her but she never believed it, it was her who always thought the negative things about herself, like you describe above, and no amount of my telling her she was beautiful and how much I loved her seemed to break that. She felt bad about herself, and eventually she had an affair that boosted her self esteem sky high, for a couple of weeks. She'd been cheated on before, and abandoned before, and felt like she was not of much "value".
That is what this can do to you, you will feel "less than" some mythical woman out there, that your bf will go after, and it will drive you crazy.
So, if your counselor isn't working on the right area, you will gloss over this, and not get to the thing you need to work on which is your self esteem. My wife and I are still together, she has done a lot of work on her end and revealed a lot about her past (abuse, neglect, etc) that helped the counselor and myself understand what happened.
However, honestly, if I didn't have a rock solid sense of self I'd have gone nuts, and it is hard enough as it is. She still, years later, has a hard time thinking I'm not going to run into some woman one day and be "swept away" and leave her, when the truth is that it is her that "swept me away", but she can't believe that about herself.
Before you get married, work a lot on counseling to understand yourself and why you are marrying someone who cheated on you when you weren't married, because marriage for 10, 20, 30+ years is a lot and stresses and other things will be a lot harder than it is when you are young and "new" to one another.
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A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (7 January 2011):
Again. Yet again, posts like this just baffle me. So what you have just told me is your bf is abusive and a cheater, yet you said yet to marrying him. Now, if you just read this about someone else, how big of a fool would you think they were?
You have all the information you need to know about him right now - before you are stuck with him for life through children and a divorce. You can get away from all of that right now with absolutely no cost. Why in the world should be angry? You should be grateful you still can....
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