A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey, I'm 20 years old and I have been in a relationship for nearly 15 months, we got pregnant quite early in the relationship and I gave birth to my baby boy 2 months ago, the pregnancy was a shock to both of us but after a couple weeks we got over it and were over the moon about it. The reason I am writing is because before I got with my boyfriend I had a series of bad men(if you can call them that) in my life and when meeting my current boyfriend I fell in love with his personality. He got kicked out of his mothers house about 2-3 months into the relationship and we quickly jumped into moving in together maybe this was silly but I personally had never felt the way I did for him for anyone else. It was then that cracks began to show in the relationship, at first the problems was that he was a very bad drunk he didn't drink too often but when he had a drink I really didn't like the person he became, he was violent, not particularly towards me but just in general. We moved in together in April 2011 and I discovered I was pregnant in July 2011... In-between these times he started to become really irritable he would call me all the time sometimes just in jest but it hurt the same and I when I would tell him this he would just say it's a joke, he still does this infact a lot more frequently and comments on how good other girls look, even my own relations and again he will say it is just a joke although he knows I don't find them funny, I have always been very self conscious and I know that there are alot nicer looking people out there but he chose me and I believe he should accept me as I am? Silly things began to change too such as not taking any of my opinions into consideration from refusing point blank to watch anything I deemed interesting to refusing to come see my dad with me because 'he makes him feel uncomfortable' even after being told my dad is just a very shy and quite unsociable person. During my pregnancy he attended just one midwife appointment and all of my scans but non of the additional appointments I had to go to because he didn't like queueing and the doctors/midwives didnt speak to him to him. He refused to do anything for me throughout my pregnancy as he would state that I am not unwell just pregnant and to a point I agreed with this but I believe every woman is entitled to an easy pregnant, I worked until being around 5-6 months pregnant, my partner however has not worked since we have been together nor shown any signs of wanting too. In around sept 2011 I went on a weekend away with my sister in law and her two kids and friend and after a few weeks of returning I found messages on his Facebook to his ex calling her cute and saying that she looked good and hinting that he had the house to himself that weekend and was probably gonna have some mates round. Initially I was heartbroken and when I approached him about this he told me I shouldn't be looking through his private messages. Sine November 2011 he has been getting increasingly worse, I find porn sites open on my iPad all the time and he tries to pretend their from a while ago when I know they weren't there the last time I was on it. He suffers from emetaphobia which is a fear of being sick and from November he has more or less stayed up all night and slept all day, not even coming downstairs when a visitor comes, even when it's his own mum or dad, he says he shouldn't have to because he sees them all the time and that he's tired, my son is also missing out on a dad because of this and he refuses to come out anywhere with me I believe this is because he's embarrassed to be seen with me and the baby but he tells me it's not he just doesnts like going anywhere because he is scared of catching a big and getting sick however a few weeks ago he got up early and went to a concert of his favourite band with his friend and it didn't bother him one bit. When I tell him he should smile more he says that he doesn't smile cos I don't do anything to make him smile and I really cant cope anymore. I have threatened to leave him and he'll say sorry then do these things again. The thing is I really dont want to be a single parent, I do everything as a single parent but I don't want to be seen as just another young mum who made a mistake, I felt like a single mum throughout my pregnancy with my appointments, he even walked out of my birth for a good few hours and had to be dragged back in because he said it was making him feel sick. He went home shortly after I gave birth and promised to come back after a quick shower. I had quite a traumatic birth and couldnt really do much for my son on that first day but he text me and said that he had a bad tummy and as there was a virus goin around he didn't wanna bring it into the hospital. I send him one back practically begging him to come as he uses this excuse quite a lot and got no reply. He gets frustrated with our son really easy and I'm sure he doesnt understand that babies cry, he will call him soft when he cries and has now told me I can't go out to a friends or the odd time at bingo because he doesn't stop crying for him. I recently was on the computer and saw that he had joined a dating site in sept 2011 saying that he was looking for women for 1 on 1 sex and he said he made it for a friend as a joke but he used all his own details :/ and after finding out I knew some of his passwords he changed every account he had to a different pass as he says they are private and I shouldn't look at them although I would be quite happy for him to read every email or message I receive and send. I feel I cannot look forward to anything as he wont do anything with me or the baby, or he will tell me he will then wont get up when I try to get him up. He stays in bed all day everyday and when he comes down in the evening he goes straight on the computer with his headphones on a pnd rarely acknowledges me. I really want this relationship to work even still, but idont know if I can put up with it for much longer. Can you suggest anythings? Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2012): OP I wasn't trying to say remove his father from his life just remove his influence and bad habits by separating from his father.
Read this OP if think the times he's a good are worth it,
http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
So what if he's had a tough upbringing? You want to have a relationship based on pity or respect OP? I've had a rough upbringing with no father and lots of abuse but I'm an adult now and my past has nothing to do with how I behave or treat people. It's not an excuse. You're right no-ones perfect but this guy is poison.
Let me ask you one thing, do you really truly, deep down believe that he will ever change? Not hope, not dream, not wish, truly believe that this guy will all of a sudden wake up one morning and be fine?
He won't, you know that and a hard truth of the matter is he has no incentive to either because you're never going to do anything about it, ever. There are no consequences to his actions at all he's walking all over you and you're the one taking it and trying to fix it.
What happens when he's drunk slags you off? Nothing, he apologizes you accept the nice guy routine and it happens again next time. He slags your child calls him soft, what happens? Nothing, you try to make him see all babies are like that. Why would you need to explain that a grown man, has he severe learning difficulties that he doesn't know why babies cry? He leaves you hanging in hospital and doesn't bother to show up using a lame ass excuse about illness what happens? Nothing, you moan a bit,he says sorry and then he just does it again. He avoids visitors to the house even his own parents what happens? Nothing, nothing at all you let this slide too. He spends all night on the computer probably smoking weed to because he sounds like that kind of guy what happens? Nothing you ask him to change he couldn't be bothered. You want him to take of your son for a while he refuses what happens? Nothing, you decide it's better to let that slide too and not go out. He doesn't work or bother looking for a job to support his family what happens? You guessed it, nothing but talk.
You see OP? You're all talk and no action, he knows this, he knows he only has to be a sweetheart for a little while and that will shut you up. He won't change because he doesn't have to he controls everything and nothing bad happens for anything he ever does, there aren't any consequences because you're too afraid to lose him, too afraid of being alone and you pity this guy too much.
Well if you think that your son isn't going to figure out that you're a pushover and if he does the same things as his daddy then he too will get what he wants then you don't know kids very well. That's all I'm trying to say OP, you're so worried about your son lacking a father that you don't realize that he doesn't have one now either.
Only you can change this, only you can resolve this but you quite simply won't. You'd rather stick around and hope, while this continues on living the easy life and not taking any responsibility for anything.
Why are letting this continue OP? Why are you settling for such a profoundly broken man and very unhealthy relationship? Why? I don't get it. You're life and happiness are getting progressively worse, why? Are those very brief times when he's really nice and loving worth it? Really? When most of time you feel unloved and like shit?
A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (3 May 2012):
 OP, it's your choice, of course, but I do think the advice Cerberus gave is right on target.
Despite what you have now told us, he doesn't sound like a responsible mate or father.........not the least of which is the fact that he isn't working.
You shouldn't focus your hopes on a future with him. He may have had a hard childhood as you say, and that's unfortunate, BUT your priority MUST be for your own welfare and that of your son - NOT of your "Boyfriend" who sounds very iffy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe thing is when he's good he's really good, I start to get my hopes up and then he'll fall again. He tells me he loves me but most of the time it's if I'm upset or after an argument. There is no issue in the sexual side of our relationship but it happens when he wants it and never when I want it. I'll be happy then I'll think that he has been looking, readin or talkin to people and I'm just the closest thing to get off with. I do want to stress that he isn't a violent person only when he has had a drink which to be fair to him he hasn't drank a lot since I was about 7 months pregnant and hasnt had more then a couple since. He used to talk about his ex a lot and still does every so often, I have been told by people, even his sister that he thought the world of her and would do anything for her and they cvant understand why he is how he is with me. He thinks that any form of affection is cheesy, even the odd cuddle and he hasn't kissed me properly since about 4 months into the relationship. I know he was bullied as a child and as his mum and dad broke up before he was one he never had a father figure at home to put him straight and as I believe he walked all over his mum as she wasn't strong enough to control him, he also had ADHD. For this reason I don't see how my son not havin a father in his life would not help him? As it is this that has sent my partner and even myself down wrong roads in life. Like I said when he is good, I wouldn't change him for the world and I know I'm not perfect either.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2012): I've one question for you OP. Would you rather be a single mum or raise a son who grows up just like his daddy? Because at the end of the day and beyond all your feelings, hopes and dreams for your "relationship" that's what it comes down to. Either raise this kid alone and well or watch as you have two petulant little boys running around who think the world owes them everything and they shouldn't have to do anything or worse see what your boyfriend starts calling him when he's older if he's already calling him names, or see what happens when that violent anger is directed at your boy.
It would break your heart to think your son might turn out like his dad, to treat you like dirt and to demand you do everything for him, well what's the best way of preventing that?
OP you don't have much time before your baby boy starts to learn how to behave, how to treat people, who you are and what respect to pay you. Is this how he should see people being treated? Is this the kind of respect he should be learning? If daddy can be an abusive drunk then what's junior going to be like? This is the role model you want in your kids life?
OP if that boy is your life, if he's your everything then you have to give him the best chance at happiness and for that to happen he needs to grow up with good values, respect and not have an asshole father call him soft every ten minutes when he cries.
OP his father is a volatile, broken man whose parents have even disowned him. You can't fix him, he won't change and frankly OP you're a mother now and you don't have the luxury of waiting and hoping he will. Because the one person whose life you can alter and make great has to grow up seeing all this unless you act now.
You need to get out now, your kid deserves better, you simply can't waste anymore time on this guy because if you do before you know it, your little boy will have taken on all those nasty habits and even if you get rid of the father it will take a long time to correct your son.
OP it all comes down to very simple choice: Your relationship with this guy or giving your kid the best life possible. Because I'm very serious when I say you can't have both. I was that kid and my mother chose to stay in that kind of abusive situation and she deserves no forgiveness from me for that and will never get it either because she had a choice, I didn't and her choice was that we should both suffer. So I say again, choose, him or your son.
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female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (3 May 2012):
It is clear that he is immature and obviously feels trapped.
He doesn't care about you or the son you both share. You can count on the fact that he will not be a real dad to his son - unless a miracle happens. I would suggest you both go to counselling, but I think he would most probably refuse. He wants OUT.
That he got thrown out of his mother's home and moved in with you at such a very early stage in your relationship doesn't speak well for him. I'm afraid you got yourself in way too deep with someone you barely knew and found yourself pregnant.
Well, what to do now? There is no future with him, so you should give up any thought of it ever getting better. He IS, however, legally obliged to make child support payments - either willingly, or have the amount deducted from his wages - when he gets a job, that is.
Can you move back in with your parents at least for the time being until you get on your feet enough to be able to put your son in day care while you hold down a job?
I know this is a terrible situation to find yourself in, but you have to think first of your son and yourself and put all your energies there. Is there a group of young mothers locally you could join? If so, you could get some support and advice from them, and have their companionship as well.......
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