A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i've been dating my gf for over 3 years. early on of course things were great, no problems as expected in the start of a new r/s, but lately there have been some minor problems and i'm not sure whether it's a really bad sign or just a sign of a rough time to wait out and get through.met her our first year of college, have had a great r/s throughout, taken a few classes together, and so on. i've noticed for a little while that there has been a slight lack of communication but it's nothing that's been severe enough to concern me. i.e. a few non-returned calls here and there (rare) and canceling a plan here and there, again rare enough to not be a concern.this summer she got her first "serious" job (temp for the summer) which took up most all of her time so we haven't really had much time to hang out this summer (the job was not local, so she was gone for over a month). since she's gotten back her communication has gotten noticeably weaker, but not gone. additionally while she was gone someone in her family fell ill and she was torn between leaving the job and not. she stayed with the job but now that she is back she's getting the guilt trip from family. all of this has resulted in something of a communication breakdown, and accompanying reduction in intimacy and such. sometimes there will be periods of a few days or more where she does not call, text, etc. and we have not met up in person since she has been back from the job. here's where i'm just getting confused. i have some friends who tell me that she is just stringing me along, that maybe she met someone while at her job, maybe she is just making up clever excuses that you can't nicely reject (who can say anything bad about someone's family emergency without looking like an ass), etc. their attitude is "how hard is it to send a text/make a short call...if she can't do that then she doesn't have any interest in the relationship"those friends tell me if I stay with her, it's only sending her a clear message that i'm a pushover and that she can make whatever excuses she wants and i'll still be here waiting. they say it's time to "man up" and find a new girl who has the respect to always maintain communication no matter what, and that the simple fact that we haven't been intimate for a while is evidence that she's distancing and that i'd be a fool to stay with her because i'll just continue to be walked all over for the rest of my life or at least until she decides to dump me herself...but my other friends tell me that she's just going through a rough patch in her life. that a new job especially a first one is a big deal and while exciting can also be hugely stressful, and combined with the guilt game from her family and the family illness she's just overwhelmed and needs a little space. they say giving up on a 3 year relationship over a temporary lapse in communication is stupid and to just give her a little space and wait it out.you can probably guess the majority gender of each opinion. :-)I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, she doesn't seem to be the lying or deceiving type and never has been. but the lack of communication does bother me enough that it's making me uneasy. so I'm not really sure what the best thing to do is. I definitely don't want to be a pushover and to let her think she can get away with disappearing whenever she feels like it and that I'll just be waiting around like a puppy for when she's ready to come back, but I also don't think it's unfair to give someone a little space if they truly do need it.my gut instinct is all screwed up from all of the outside "advice" so my "gut" feels however I feel at the moment. so if I'm a bit lonely, I feel like I'm being used and taken advantage of by her; if I'm in a better mood, I feel like everything is ok and she's just needing a bit of space. basically i can't depend on my gut instinct...how can I deal with the conflicting feelings i'm having and what is the best thing for me to do??thanks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2014): There are phases relationships go through. You sometimes have to weather the storms. Personal issues arise and other things come along that make an impact on your relationship.
Being away from you for a while and working, gave her more of a sense of independence. She may have had a lot of time on her hands to start, but we do change once our professional-lives place demands on our time, and challenge our skills. We usually need the money; so we have to set priorities that don't always make partners, family, and friends very happy with us. It gets tough balancing it all.
That is part of maturing and growing.
Family-life will weigh heavily on our minds, we feel guilty, and we try to compensate for the neglect and rebuild bridges. If all this is going on at the same time, it may look like you're distancing yourself from your partner. You're just being spread thin. Pulled in too many directions. I say this in all fairness to her.
If you've been a little needy (justifiably so) she will just throw-up her hands in frustration and just not pickup the phone. That is the wrong move when your partner is on the other end.
You don't ignore your spouse, girlfriend, or your boyfriend. You CALL and TELL them it is not a good time. You apologize for your mood, or rudeness, and you call them back as soon as you can. They want to know how you're doing. That enables them to offer their support to lessen the burden. There is always a better way to handle things in a relationship. If you really give a sh*t, that is! "Avoidance" doesn't stand well with me at all! I'll simply find something else to do with my time. I've plenty to do.
She has things going on now that she didn't have going on the first year or two. Including the fact she is an adult, not a freshman college student. She may be trying to makeup with her family, you know how mothers are. They can pour on the guilt so thick, you have to drop everything to reassure her that you're not a rotten ungrateful child. Moms will not let up, until you have made it up to them. Be that her problem, it is her responsibility to inform you.
You do know her very well, and what is unusual or out of character. Of course our friends are going to reflect or project a lot of their negative experiences and cynicism onto what you're experiencing; but you must go with your gut in spite of their advice. If she leaves you to guessing, it's not your fault if you come to the wrong conclusions. That is what communication is for. No relationship can survive without it. I don't care how bad your problems are, don't leave the people who care for you hanging.
Communication is very important to me; so if that becomes a problem, I see no way to continue a healthy connection. If I don't know what's wrong, there is no way to compromise or fix things. In fact, it tells me my feelings are no longer that much of a priority. Be that the case, I will remove that burden; and you can take care of your issues while I go elsewhere and deal with mine. I don't really have time to spend forcing people to do things. We have free-will; so if you avoid me, I'll make it easier. I just won't bother.
Giving space is a prelude to breaking-up. If a person needs space, they don't have room for the relationship. They are also avoiding discussion of the problems. Essential for maintenance and repair of your partnership. Taking time away to deal with problems is one thing. As long as you update your partner on your progress. Silence means they no longer need you, or have time for you. They may have someone else occupying their time.
Successful relationships have to be expandable and flexible. So changes in your life have to be adjusted to accommodate your relationship, job, and family. You, as her partner, should be adaptable to these changes.
I "helped" to make my relationship work for nearly 30 years. He died of cancer. We were two professionals, and there were heavy demands on our lives. Professionally, socially, and in our family-lives.
It wasn't about "space;" so much as making adjustments and adapting to change. If we didn't talk to each other, or avoided each other. That minimizes or removes the opportunity to talk, work-out a solution, and go back to normalcy. There will always be challenges and obstacles to overcome. Both partners have to be proactive in facing the stormy times. One has to support the other, when one is weakening. We learned as we go. Followed our instincts, dwelt on the strength of our love, and used our survival skills when necessary.
It may be true to some degree that she is slowly distancing herself from your relationship. She may not be sure if she wants to breakup; or may be too afraid of how that might feel. So that places it all in your hands to decide how much you feel the distancing is effecting your commitment; and when it has reached the point you no longer feel you need to remain in it. If you have nothing to go on, crap runs through your brain. You feel anxious and confused.
Every problem my partner and I faced, we worked on it together. Sometimes I had to carry the heavier load, sometimes he did. In all cases, we worked it out together. One was never left standing in the rain, wondering WTF?!!
He died first. Not without teaching me a lot. I pass on what I know. Not just what I've read about and speculate.
Listen to your friends just for objective opinion. Read the advice provided by the aunts and uncles. Then review how you are being treated by your mate/partner; and decide if she is holding up her end of the relationship enough to encourage you to hang in there. If she won't talk, you can only take that to mean she is avoiding giving you enough information that you might decide to move on, before she is ready to decide she wants to breakup with you.
A
male
reader, lifesgreat  +, writes (15 August 2014):
I would be cautious !Simply because I had a similar situation where a long term girlfriend and we kind of went through a rough patch where she wasn't on my case as much, or wasn't coming back to me as quickly as before.And it was simply because she was at the early stages of getting with another man. And she would tell me her mom was ill and they needed a doctor etc BUT that was what happened to me might not be the case for you.But a txt really isn't hard to do just to keep communication.if its only been a few days maybe give it about a week and see if anything changes if not bring up what's bothering you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 August 2014):
 I'd say , give her space.
If when she was away her family gave her a hard time over not being present and available enough, now that she is back , they would tell her " Oh great, first at least you had the excuse of work. Now you are here and you have your " relationship " to prioritize. How selfish those young people are blah blah blah ".
I think she NEEDS space to deal with her family emergency.
Yes, but how long does it take to just shoot a small text ?... Awww come on :). As if ! As if you'd be content with that. As if you would not try to insist to see her , to make dates, to have long Skype or texts sessions, to have your usual daily " good night " phone talk, or just to go all lovey dovey and smoochy snoochy when she has other stuff,like an illness, on her mind.
She is being a little passive aggressive, yes- she is tryng not to offer you the occasion to sink your claws in and ask for more of her time and attention. But if she does, she's going to take flak from her family. Damned if she does etc.
Also , define " lack of communication " and " communication breakdown " If you are still in touch every few days, it's not a communication breakdown. Maybe you were used to text all day long- well, now she 's got no time and is in no mood for that . There's life beyond texting :)- at least some times, for some people.
Finally : you don't say how long it is she went AWOL , but I guess it can't be much. I mean, you are talking about a " summer job ", but we ARE in the height of the summer, summer will be over on Sept .21st.
So , my guess is that she is home since a couple of weeks, no more, and that the big deal is that you are horny... pardon me, you miss her :)... and are miffed, hurt and surprised that she is not.
Maybe she is not. If she is tired, stressed out, her relative is seriously ill, her parents are giving her a hard time ... yes, maybe she is not in the mood for intimacy, and that's also why she is keeping you at a distance, because she knows that 's what you'd want ( not that I blame you !, it's most natural ) while she may not feeling it , for reasons that do not depend from you personally... but which you would not believe not depending from you personally ( as indeed you don't, since you doubt that her stress and family stuff are a believable enough reason for her behaviour ).
Am I 100% sure of this ? Of course not, I wasn't there at work with her, what do I know ?. MAUBE she did meet a cute lifeguard or something, maybe she is having doubts about your relationship. Never say never. What I am saying,is, it's too EARLY to decide that she is a fake, ad she is stringing you along , and playing you and all that jazz.
You are too ready to jump the gun. Even in the best relationships things can sort of ebb and flow, there may be temporary moments of less enthusiasm, - let them pass. Wait a little before deciding she is using you ! This in 3 years is the first time that she is a less than perfect, loving gf, - give her some patience, support and the benefit of doubt.
It sounds like all you ( and your friends ) care about is to prevent the possibility that she may dump you , before you dump her ! As if when a 3 years relationship ends, THAT's the real problem, who gets dumped first ! Are you tryng to have a relationship, or are you playing musical chairs ?...
Give her the space she wants for a while, of course not forever , if there are no improvements in a few weeks , it will be time for a " we need to talk ", because if this situation of not wanting to see you goes on, well, she needs to be reminded that there's two people in a r/ship and that eventually BOTH have to feel fulfilled so, emergiences or not, a compromise needs to be found. Or , no compromise - no relationship.
But , at this point, I feel it's a bit too early for drastic conclusions.
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