A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Well my girlfriend and I have been dating now for three months and everything is going really good. This weekend one our friends is having a little get together at her house and they are all going to drink and then spend the night over there. My dad used to be an alchoholic and I dont like being around or talking to drunk people that much, cause it brings back this bad feeling. I told this all to her and she said that she wouldnt drink. The thing is, alchohol ruined one of my relationships and i dont want it ruining this one too cause i dont want her to do something dumb that she will regret that is going to cause problems. I told her she could do whatever she would like and she said that she would not drink. I dont want her to feel like I am trying to control her, and I wont be mad at her if she does drink I just dont want there to be problems. Am I overreacting? Am I being controling?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2007): And if you don't want to ask your girlfriend what to do and not do-you won't.
Start being honest.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2007): I think that you need to work out your issues with your past and alcoholism.
Where did you meet your girlfriend?
I say that there is a difference between worrying and fear.
Worrying is some self inflicted pain and suffering we do to ourselves when there is on REAL, PRESSING issue to be concerned about.
Fear is when their is a real, life threatening issue at hand.
You must have been afraid of what your dad did while drinking and what he did when he was sober. Most alcoholics are very abusive, mean, controlling. Most children of alcoholics will pick up the same traits as their abusive/alcoholic parent(s) as it was modelled to them.
Counselling is always a good avenue to explore and get involved in when one comes from an emotionally abusive home.
I think the real statement of your concern lies in "you don't want her doing anything dumb". What are you meaning?
That you don't want to be around drunk people and therefore don't want to attend the party does not automatically qualify that your girlfriend not attend. I think this sort of conditional expectation is what will ruin your relationships and what is the real reason why your past relationship "failed".
You need to be fair to those you allow into your life and to yourself and so far, you have not been.
Your resentment towards your Dad is being projected unto your GF's and with this, you are allowing it to rob them from you trusting in them. No woman or girl likes the idea that the man they like/love does not trust them or hold them in a good and loving light.
Your girlfriend is not your Dad.
I think you need to realize that there is a good number of teens that indulge in drinking. I don't think it's right or healthy but the fact remains, they do it.
I think it is nice of your girlfriend to not drink because she is with you as she does not want to cause you pain but it is your worry of not being in control what occured in your past that is the issue; not your girlfriend and her choice to drink.
Get perspective. Forgive. Love. Be grateful for all that you have.
Get counselling.
Best Wishes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2007): You don't seem controlling to me. But there is something important that you seem to have missed, your age. It is listed as 16-17 which makes it illegal for you or any friends your age to drink alcohol. As far as I know the drinking age in the U.S. is 21 so all of you can get in some serious trouble in addition to causing brain damage at a time when your brain is still developing. Think carefully about whether you really want to hang around with people who do stuff like this.
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A
male
reader, Peterk5699  +, writes (8 August 2007):
 I know how you feel about having an alchoholic parent - my mum was heavily drinking for 2 years but is now almost 3 years sober.
I feel the kinda the same - I don't mind people drinking but one thing I do dislike is a group of people from AA talking about drinking which is why I never go to my mums meetings to see what's going on.
Now, your gf who yo obviously love very much has told you she won't drink ths respecting your views and you should remember that. Go to your friends party and just have fun - remember: You don't need alchohol to have fun. Something which a lot of kids your age and mine don't understand. Same goes with sex and relationships (read my most recent question).
Hope this helped.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2007): No, you're not being controlling. I have seen alcohol kill people. And ruin other's lives. I grew up with an alcoholic and it is horrible to see the things they do, that you know is not normal. But that isn't to say that your g.f. is going to get addicted to alcohol. I've seen my boyfriend wasted, & he was doing thigs as if he didn't even know where he was or who was around him. I always think that if I weren't there watching him, who knows what could have happened. I used to drink a lot when I was 19. My liver would even hurt! Women's livers are no where near as apt to deal with alcohol abuse as a man's liver. If you told her why you don't want her to drink & she's understanding, I don't see the harm.
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A
male
reader, DJ8433 +, writes (8 August 2007):
 Yes you would be controlling if you ask her to change her behavior for you. Don't misunderstand, if you tell her somethign you don't like and she changes, that's different. The trap people fall into is that they tell someone how they feel about something, and then complain to them if they don't change. I believe that if you tell someone something you don't like, and they disregard it, and I don't mean they forget once in a while, I mean they "step on you", then it's up to you at that point to decide what you are going to do. That's when I say, "you are only in control of yourself". You have emotions, and what you decide to do with those emotions is up to you. You have to be a man, and make a choice for now, and make it swiftly. Either you accept her behavior as part of who she is, or you move on. If you accept her behavior, don't complain, don't argue, don't judge, because if you do it will cause a rift in the relationship. If you decide at a later date that you cannot accept the behavior, then decide later to move on.
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (8 August 2007):
 Everything in moderation. Just because someone drinks doesn't mean they will get drunk or end up being an alcoholic. Perahps you can find middle ground. When I go out, I like to have a couple of drinks. It helps me relax but I am in no way out of control. Maybe your girlfriend just needs to figure out where her limits are and know when to stop. That way she can still feel like it's okay to have a couple of drinks without your watchful eye, but keeps in mind that you don't want her to be falling down drunk either.
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A
female
reader, TaylorChu +, writes (8 August 2007):
 If you have already told her why you, drinking and alcohol don't fly then leave it at that. She gave her word that she would not. I know sometimes a person's word is not enough but take it as it is and do not worry. I totally understand where you are coming from and remember the days when my father would come home drunk and hit my mom. Some people let the alcohol take them over and horrible things happen.
I don't think you are overaccting or being controlling. Alcoholism has greatly impacted your life and you want nothing to do with it. Just as your respect her and her independence your gf should respect that part of your life and the reasons behind it.
Go to the party this weekend and have fun. Love your woman and trust her and don't allow this concern to rule over your relationship. Only talk about it if it becomes an issue. Since nothing has happened, don't worry about.
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A
female
reader, sexi  +, writes (8 August 2007):
 Hi, no you are not over reacting. My dad drinks during the weekend (so i wouoldnt call him an alchoholic) and i dont like the way he behaves so i would not go out with ant one that drinks alchohol. You have every right to let her know how you feel and i your relationship means anything to her, then she would respect your feelings and would not do anything that might upset you at the party.
Regards, mail me if you wanna talk
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