A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am 22 and haven't had much luck with men, I always seem to fall for the wrong guy and I guess I just haven't met Mr Right. I've been on tinder for about 18 months, been on about 6 dates and have had mixed feelings about them all. I have finally met someone who seems like a genuine nice guy, friendly and seems very keen, which makes me feel special. He split from his ex about 12 weeks ago although we haven't discussed this - which I feel is the right thing to do? We have only been on 4 dates but we talk everyday and seem to have a real connection which is nice. The issue, I'm no slut, and as a consequence I am still a virgin. Obviously I would love to sleep with him but I don't want the fact that I'm still a Virgin to be put off by me. Also how long should we wait until we do it? Our first kiss was on our 4th date so it's going quite slowly as things stand, which I think is good.Appreciate your comments. Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2015): You say virgin and slut .... I just want to point out that real life isn't so one or the other, we are all just people living either with more of some experiences and less of other experiences. Labels are just ways to box people into corners, if you have slept with 45 guys then that does not devalue who you are. If you haven't done a thing then again that doesn't make you any less of a whole person nor does it make you saint like. You are just you. Stop judging yourself and others, just do what makes you happy even if that is doing nothing at all.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2015): From a guy's point of view who has played around a bit I would say if he is thinking of a permanent relationship and marriage he will find your virginity a huge plus but if he is looking for a passing relationship, then yes he will be apprehensive of hurting you down the line.
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A
female
reader, Mina_Bhamji +, writes (22 November 2015):
 It's not been that long since he has come out of his relationship. Take it very slow until you're content at the fact that he is over his ex. If you two get into a relationship after that and you're happy with the way things are going then do what you want to do. But there is nothing wrong with being a virgin, in fact, good on you! It is a precious thing and it is nice to give it to someone special, so make sure you know him the way you need to know him before giving it up. And have no regrets
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2015): I'm going to address the issue of dating someone who has only broken-up a committed-relationship for a measly 12 weeks. If you can get over someone you love that quickly; more power to you. Some people can do that. Being very honest with you; this is far too soon to be talking about giving up your virginity.
Are you on a mission just to lose your virginity, or are you trying to find the right match for yourself? A guy who is only fresh out of a relationship has feelings all over the place; and you are more likely to be a rebound than anything else.
You will attach your feelings to a man "who took your virginity;" which is the classic reactive-response. Being one-half of a couple in recovery from a breakup; emotionally, he can turn on a dime. Mainly because he is not completely over the woman he just broke-up with. He can look and seem perfectly fine; but it's what you can't see that can hurt you.
I'm not trying to paint ugly pictures or scare you; I'm suggesting you throw in some logic. Too many silly people feed on fantasy and fly by the seat of their pants. I consider those people "stupid." The only time I care to use that word, is in this sense of its meaning. You have to make sense. Use wisdom and thought in every life-changing decision you ever make. You're young and inexperience. I'm a guy, and I feel responsible to pass on what I know through first-hand experience. That's why I'm on DC.
Whether it was an amicable breakup or a horrible breakup, and she was all at fault; he may use you in the wrong ways. A bandage over his emotional pain, a way to retaliate against her rejection, and as a temporary bed-warmer until he figures out how to get her back. Worst of all, just to show her how fast she can be replaced. He may still have a lot of emotional obstacles in his path. Men mask our feelings. It's a guy thing.
Being nice or sweet isn't good enough. Four dates is no big deal. The devil can put on a sweet face. He's waiting out when you'll give up the sex. The average waiting period is about a month to six weeks tops.
For the wrong guy, your virginity is just a cherry to pluck. He will not attach all the nobleness and worship you're expecting for giving up the prize. It's a prize to you, but it's just another cherry to pop for some guys.
Virginity in the religious sense is a matter of maintaining virtue and values. Piety. Sustaining purity to marriage. In that sense, it is considered a big deal. In a conservative and virtuous non-religious sense; it's waiting for someone considering marriage; prefaced by a reasonable and meaningful courtship, to determine if the match is right.
To a guy just wanting to deflower an innocent, it's just a story to brag and tell his mates. So don't build up a lot of fantasy and romanticizing about giving it up for the first time. In the non-religious sense, it's no big deal at all. You're just a female who hasn't given it to any other guy, and he gets to be the first. He may only take a shower, kiss you on the cheek the next morning, and you may never hear from him again. You're the one left sitting there wondering what the hell just happened, and why isn't he as excited about it as you fantasized he be. Even worse, holding yourself responsible for how he'd judge you. It goes two ways, he is as much under evaluation as you are. You're the one who can get pregnant. You're the inexperienced one who may not be able to deal with being brushed-off after the deed is done.
As for the guys in your past. They were just practice and learning tools, preparing you for what guys can be like. Nobody's perfect, and all the responsibility of making a relationship work is not placed on you alone. Learn from the past what helps, and dismiss what didn't. It's life. Nobody gets a perfect life. You make the best of it, and find joy and appreciate it when it comes your way. It's not for you to be submissive and over-obligated to fulfilling some guy's determination of what you ought to be. If you're a good person, responsible, intelligent, and strong. You're a prize and a someone to be reckoned with. You deserve a guy who appreciates more than what's between your legs.
Put him off? Seriously?!!
So get a realistic take on all the fuss over being a virgin. Sex was here long before you ever opened your eyes to the world, and will be here long after you shut them the final time.
Go for something real. It may take time and frustration; but too many have all sorts of silly notions in their heads and come out all screwed-up, brokenhearted, and the next nice guy's mess to contend with. "All my past relationships were bad, so I have trust issues." Anyone says that to me, I'm out the door!!! I don't need somebody's messy emotional leftovers and collateral-damage. I have my own problems I have to keep in check; so I'm worthy of someone good for me. That's what you should be more concerned about, my dear.
There is plenty of time. Find out how he feels about you emotionally. That takes time. Determine if there isn't still a female still attached to his heart, leaving you no room to attach yours. Make sure he's not just rebounding on his pain from that breakup; and prepare yourself for an ending that may not be like in the movies or a romance novel. Putting him off is the least of your troubles or worries; getting played, and taken for a sap is the worst case scenario!
Date him awhile and wait for the emotional-connection. You're too eager to play make-believe fantasy love, and not paying attention to the fact this guy has got another woman to get over completely before he can commit again. If you just want to hop in the sack and get this loss of virginity thing over with; by all means, go for it. If your mission is just to lose your virginity to a nice guy; that doesn't mean he'll love you for giving it to him. Just keep it real sister, there's a lot of players willing and able.
Don't let your frustration with men make you throw caution to the wind. You've got feelings to protect, and you want to be in good psychological-condition and ready for something real when it comes your way. Good men don't deserve messed-up women, and good women don't deserve messed-up jerks!
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it  +, writes (22 November 2015):
Good for you! You are approaching this just right. At the moment, he has great respect for you.
I can't imagine how his girl being a virgin would a turn-off for any guy. Rather, it is almost always a huge turn-on.
Giving your virginity should be a VERY special moment for you and him. The more he values that the more he will invest in and cherish your relationship. I like where this is going.
Your other question mark regards the lack of discussion regarding his ex. In years of talking with people who have split up, I've never spoken to anyone who admitted it was their fault. I like the fact that he apparently isn't bad-mouthing her.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (22 November 2015):
 Being a virgin does not put a man off. Maybe for the wrong guy because he feels you would be too serious right away and he can't make your first time special. Although some players love the idea of taking a girl's virginity. I think you should wait until you and him are exclusive, and you feel that he is completely over his ex and is ready for another relationship. It doesn't matter how long that takes.
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