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anonymous
writes:katieAbsintence cause problems?Hello- I am a 21 year old with a history of sex abuse. I really want a boyfriend and companionship and I would like to have sex but I absolutely do not ever ever ever ever want a kid, I have done soul searching and have never wanted or liked kids. I have an intense phobia and trauma reaction to thoughts of pregnancy and I also know that I would be a horrible mother because I prefer not to spend time with children becuase of my history of abuse and my ongoing depression and tendency to isolate myself. I have been working in therapy through this for many years. I'd rather spend time working ( I am an architecture major) and it is my passion. Children are not. I have been rigid in hating children ever since I was a child and made up my mind along time ago. Regardless of my expereince around children. IThe doctors will not allow me to be sterilized because they say I am too young even though I made up my mind many times over. I have not changed my mind since and will not yet. Sounds insensitive but I am not a mother type. I am educated and I would rather spend my energy around other adults, traveling, my carreer etc. My carreer/education is my life. I also cannot afford to pump birth control hormones in my body because I was anorexic when I was 11-15 and it really messed up my body and I have been through so many hormone treatments and BC trials and it really just screws me up. I prefer not to live under pharmacutial control.... I am very sensitive to hormone treatment. Although I knew if I was to have sex with just a condom, that wouldnt cut it. I DONT WANT TO RISK ANYthing.. Any advice? I have this fear that If I abstain from sex (till I'm 40?) that I cannot keep a guy. I just want complete infertillity that would be my everlasting dream..I am not religious, I am not conservative, But I cannot ever have a kid. My fear of this is preventing me from going into relationships becuase of societys expectations that women need to be phsyically intimate in order for men to somewhat care..... Its bogging me down. How can I have fun/ grow up and experience life without this over my head?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2007): I suggest going around to different doctors. Eventually you may find one that treats you like an adult capable of making her own decisions. If that doesn't work try looking into IUD or Essure. I'm almost certain that some doctor by you will be willing to do at least that. Hopefully you can get what you actually want latter if thats the case. Also if your in a relationship with a guy who also doesn't want kids ask him to look into a vasectomy. Many doctors that would turn you down for sterilization are willing to do it for a guy. It seems like sexism to me but thats the way some people are. Hope you get the help you want. Take care.
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female
reader, black_diamond329 +, writes (6 June 2007):
 Ok hunni well here's the thing. Although many woman have not been sexually abused as a youngster they too, including myself have massive fears of becoming pregnant and seems like the worst ting that could ever happen to you. I have nightmares about it and every month i worry when my period and had to take emergency contraceptive the first time i had sex cos the condom came off! But sex is so great that its just worth the risk eventually. You will know when that is and just now doesn't seem to be the time for u. I know u won't thank me for saying this but sterilisation is far far far too drastic. My bf knows a woman who is in her 40s and was sterilised at your age and now she really really wishes she hadn't cos she feels so incomplete and is starting to get maternal urges to be a mother. U can't say how ur body is gonna feel 30s years down the line so don't make such drastic decisions that may eventually cos u great upset and pain in ur life. I don't want kids now at all bt i do acknowledge that one day maybe i will so ill just stick to condoms and birth control pills cos then im pretty much covering the entire 100% likeliness of pregnancy and i can sleep easy at night
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (6 June 2007):
 I know they won't sterilze you at your age but like Stina said an IUD may work for you. Make sure when you do find a partner that you are upfront at the get-go that children are out of the picture. Some guys are not going to stick around if they want a family in the future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2007): What if you meet a nice guy who has younger brothers and sisters or nephews and neices? Most people have family with children included. Find a way to stop hating them even though you don't want them yourself or you will have problems being with anyone who has extended family of their own and it will not work.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2007): I find the fact that you hate children very difficult. It is like saying you hate people and it worries me. I absolutely agree that if you do not want children you should not have to have them, but the intensity of this hatred of them as beings is unhealthy. You must have had a tremendously hard life, so well done for coming out the ther side and still being able to fulfill your dreams.Don't you think it would be much better if you could, whilst not wanting any children, not hate? Then you would not be living with this exhausting worry over your head. Not wanting your own children because you hate all children shows that you are still unhealed. I had a friend who had been convinced all her life that she did not want any babies(she was about 50 years old) until one of her close younger friends had one. When she witnessed the incredible bond, the innocence, the physical likeness and the innocent beauty of it, she just wept for days. It was as though for her own reasons she had not been able to understand what it was all about. When she woke up from her dream it was too late and it broke her heart.Bear with me through this, because there is a point to it: I also know men who have had sex change surgery (worked in a hospital where they provided it)and been totally convinced, for years, that they were trapped inside the wrong body. They went through years of counselling, hormone treatment and finally surgery. The light dawned on them later and it was a savage moment because there was no going back.If you had written a straightforward question saying you did not want children it would be easy to answer. Use a coil. The vehemence of your words illuminate that this is a result of your past and reflects mental health issues which have resulted from the damage done to you. I am not saying that what you want is wrong, it is fine to not have children - but bear in mind for just a moment that mental health can be mended. This is a phobia for you and could possibly be sorted out with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (which is great for phobias)rather than talking therapies.If you can get rid of the phobia, you will be happier about using the coil, because you won't have unreasonable concerns about it failing as a contraceptive method. The you may also be able to appreciate other people's children whilst still not wanting any of your own.Good luck.
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reader, stina +, writes (6 June 2007):
 Hello there,
I recommend talking with your doctor about what other precautions you could take besides sterilization. BTW - when you say sterilization, do you mean getting your tubes tied? If that's what they don't want to do, then you could look into a product called Essure. Essure is a metal coil that is inserted into the fallopian tubes and closes them up. You may also want to ask about getting an IUD.
If you were to get pregnant, is there a reason that you wouldn't get an abortion or give your child up for adoption?
And the bit about society expecting you to have sex in a relationship -- who cares what society wants? If you make it clear to your partner that you do not want to do something (whether it be sex or anything else) then that's all that matters. Perhaps if/when you get married, your partner may even consider getting a vasectomy.
It's bothering me that the doctors told you that they wouldn't perform sterylization surgery on you, though. I would get a second or even third opinion. To me, it sounds like they're infringing on your rights. I don't see why - at 21, as an adult - you would not be able to get this done.
Take care.
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