A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Feel like I am going to be permanently single. Been single 5 years. I don't want kids, so my dating pool is much smaller and even on online dating sites there are so few women who don't want or don't already have kids.Have lots of friends but it's not the same. And I have no family so it's a big issue the older I get, not having someone to share things with.Just don't know what to do. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Kyra23  +, writes (2 April 2013):
Hello,
I can only tell you that one of my great-aunts (I've got 4 haha and her husband never had children by option and they were happy. This happened in a time when everyone was expected to "reproduce". Imagine the prejudice they had to endure.
I don't have a sugestion for you but I wanted to share this example in my family so you know you're not the only one.
Wish you luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2013): I'm 22 and I do not want kids and have no desire to.... It's all about maturity with age gaps too, if the woman is younger but acts mature and responsible she usually is able to connect with older guys. But I know some of my friends wouldn't be able to chat to older guys . Again it is personal preference and aims in life. Get to know the lady even if she is younger or older as a friend before commiting I'd say :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2013): If you are looking for a woman of your age which means around 40, and she never had kids,whether she wants them or not it doesn't really matter, as around 40 many women already done with child bearing age.
I don't really understand what is the issue with having kids or not having them.,if you were in your 20s or early 30s then yes, at that age women would want kids, but I have 3 women friends who are 39-42 that know they will never have kids. There are plenty of women your age who never had and who never wil have kids, as their train is all gone. These women are everywhere. You don't have to date a woman in her 50s to avoid children.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2013): To So_Very: I should have said in my main posting (not just my reply further below) that I had two LTRs with older women but the age gap became an issue in both and so I don't wish to go down that road again. I want someone my sort of age to share experiences with. With my LTRs it was "been there, already done that, thanks".Too date someone with adult children who have already left home, I have to mostly look at women 50+ and that has no appeal to me at 39. Added to which, in a couple of years, along come grandkids to deal with. It just isn't for me. I do have a goddaughter, so I'm not a childhater, but I do find I have a limited timespan - after two hours, I literally shut down and have 'had enough' as it were. I would never be the sort to play stepgrandparent and take them out for day trips or weekends while their parents went away.Too often (I did date a mum for a short while) is that the non-parent is relegated to third place behind the kids. Which I understand. But I don't want to be putting my partner first (which I would and do) and find myself regarded as much less a priority.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2013): OP lots of women don't want children. My GF is 36 and a school teacher and she always says "that enough exposure to kids thanks very much, I want to hand em over at 3.30"
I disagree with dating someone with older kids. That's opening up the possibility of becoming a serogate grandparent. Plus your partner is liekly to be at the mercy of "pick me up im drunk" or "im coming back home to live cose ive spilt up with my GF".
Relax about the whole kid thing and get our there chatting up women.
just don't start the interrogation too soon about kids hen you do meet someone. There are lots of women in their 40s who have not had children and probably never will so youll be meeting lots of people who arnt watching their biological clock tick in no time !
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (1 April 2013):
 I know lots of women that did not want (and do not have) children. they did not want from day one as 20 somethings and were able to find men that agreed.
I also know my husband (now age 39) never wanted kids and when he met me he was fine with my youngest being 25 at the time.
If you do not want children do not feel you have to have them. My 26 yr old does not want kids... he's not dating much either at this point because he refuses to consider older women that maybe do not want or cannot have kids.
consider dating older women
and do not have children to please anyone but yourself.
sadly you may end up like my husband... who says he doesn't want children (and with me at 53 he's not getting any) but lately he is being exposed to my friends baby (she's a year old) and her "friends" and I see he's actually pretty good with kids and he actually had a conversation with me the other day about if someone was dating his "imaginary" daughter.. and I realized... he doesn't WANT kids.... he never did... but NOW he has met and fallen in love with someone and I think he can SEE why folks want to have babies... when you love someone so purely, you think of those things.
So when someone says to him "do you have kids" he says "no I never wanted them" "are you having any" and I pipe up with "umm no he's not his WIFE is FIFTY THREE" and he says "yeah that too"
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2013): If you are closer to 40 and looking for a woman your own age, there are many chances that she won't be even able to have kids anymore.
My friends, a couple been married for 10 years, now both 39, desided may be they want to try for a child, tried for 6 months, nothing happened. Went to a doctor, and got bad news, she is done with her fertility abilities.
She is not even 40 yet. So, if you are looking for a woman around that age, you are in a good position. Couple more years, and chances are basically non existant. I know quite a bit of women, who tried to get pregnant around 40, either they had a very hard time and finally conceived , or it never happened. I don't think you should even mention that you don't want any children, it will happen naturally.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2013): I don't want kids and I'm a female :-) you will find someone, it just takes time, make sure the women know that for a fact before you start dating them :-)
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A
male
reader, Glacier  +, writes (1 April 2013):
Search for 'The No-Baby Boom'. You are far from alone.
Keep on trying to find your match. My experience as a childfree person has been that you should not give up because you will be rewarded sooner or later.
If people ask why you don't children then turn the question around: why should I want children? Rationally speaking there are only disadvantages of having children.
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female
reader, R1 +, writes (1 April 2013):
 I agree with the other poster - date someone with older kids. It's unlikely they will want more and you won't have little kids running round the house. Most women (most adults) want kids at some point, it's just part of human nature to want to reproduce, so I don't think you can hold out for a lady who doesn't want them at all. If you don't want them that's fair enough though, we can all make out own decisions.
The poster who said women want kids to secure the husband?!? What?!? Children are amazing and beautiful, it's not all about finding a man lol!!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2013): To BiteMe: I know other people who don't want children. Doesn't mean we hate them. It's just something we don't want to do or have that innate desire to do/have. Doesn't make us weird. While we are all able to procreate, it is still a choice whether we do. And it's not like a dog. You can't take the child back to the kennel if you decide to just "give it a go". I believe that unless you 100% DESIRE/NEED children, you shouldn't have them. And actually, you'd think that I'd be MORE likely to want kids if I was on my own! Everyone says I am a catch and would be a good father - I just don't want to, never have.
To AuntyEm: my last two LTRs were older than me and the age gap became an issue in both cases, so this is not something I want to repeat. And if I don't want my own, I don't particularly want to deal with someone else's - or be a stepgrandparent down the line.
To JustHelping: already had the snip.
It is a dealbreaker, I understand that, so it is something I get out there as soon as possible but when it comes to online dating I wouldn't date anyone who wasn't on the same page. It's not fair on them. And having had an LTR break up because I didn't want kids (which she knew from the start but thought I would change me mind) I don't want to go through that again either.
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (1 April 2013):
Maybe you should get a vasectomy so you can say you can't have kids? Most women, actually most people, expect at some time to have children, or to be in a position where they want children. For women it can become a physical need that effects them emotionally. You are totally ok to decide you don't ever want children but as you have discovered there are not so many women prepared to accept they will never meet the guy that makes them want to be a mother. I have only ever known two women that have said they didn't want children ever and didn't. And one of those went on to adopt when she found she couldn't get pregnant.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (1 April 2013):
 Date someone who already has kids, maybe someone a bit older who is done with having anymore children. There are lots of older women out there hoping to date and get to know someone nice so give it a go.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2013): you're going to end up alone anyway. sorry for being frank but that's the truth of modern times.children will leave you as soon as they can unless there is a financial reason to stick with you.the problem with women is, they think they HAVE to have children to secure the husband. if you can find a woman and convince her that you will stay with her, she won't insist on children. just my opinion.
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A
male
reader, BiteMe +, writes (1 April 2013):
 Why don't you want children may I ask? I always find it odd, no offense, when someone says they don't want children. To me it's like a child saying "No thanks, I don't want any gifts for my birthday." It sort of throws me off guard, so obviously the next question is "Why?"I don't think you should go into the dating world declaring "Hey, everyone I don't want kids." Most women won't like that. I think the average person aspires to have children, at least one. Date everybody and then indicate you don't want kids, although in all honesty that could be an instant deal breaker.I'm sensing the fact that you have no family has something to do with you not wanting kids, plus the mixture of loneliness you possess. May you think you'll be a bad father or something?You sound low in spirits. Try talking to one of your friends about it, see what they have to say on the topic.All the best!
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