A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Been single now for over three years and have been getting more convinced that I am going to be single for a very long time and finding it hard to shake that feeling.I have a fairly good life compared to many people - own flat, own car, interesting job and loads of friends. I have several hobbies, I am out a lot, but I never seem to meet any single women at all. I have loads of female friends but none of them have any single friends to introduce me to.I tried online dating for 2 years but only got two dates out of it in all that time (I was on several sites). I'm not incredibly good looking but am OK and I realise attraction has to come into it. My big drawback is that I don't want kids. Never have. I am now 38 and it's not going to change. I wouldn't want to be a stepparent either - it just isn't for me.This means there is a much smaller pool of women for me to date, and while I understand that, it doesn't make it easier or any lonelier. My first serious girlfriend left me over the issue (she knew I didn't want any but assumed, even 3 years later, I'd change my mind). My second serious relationship (there have been only two) lasted 9 years but the age gap - she was 11 years older and didn't want kids - became an issue and we became roommates. She liked it that way, never had much of a sex drive and just wanted to stay home, no matter what I tried. Should have left after 6 years but didn't because I was scared of finding someone else because of the kids thing.I have been told by several women that I am very eligible and a good catch if I would only change my view on the kids but I simply can't. It's like telling a vegetarian to start eating meat. We are who we are. I keep busy and I realise things could be worse but I get fed up of going out with my friends who are all coupled, going home to an empty flat and not having someone to share things with. They don't understand how hard it is if you don't want kids.I have a fabulous best friend who is also single and we sort of look after each other (no, she wants kids) but it's not the same.Some people say I should just date but I literally don't meet any single women and there's no point dating anyone in their 30s who wants kids because it's wasting their time. I don't want to date another older woman again, it just isn't for me, I need someone my sort of age or a bit younger (30+) because most of the activities I take part in are with people that age.It gets harder to stay positive an sometimes I think if I knew I wasn't going to find someone I'd rather pull the plug than just end up on my own. It's harder in some ways because I am an only child, so once my parents have died, there really will be only me.I just don't know what to do. Some people say "wait, someone will come along when you least expect it" but I don't subscribe to that - single women just don't seem to cross my path or join my classes or clubs and if one rarely does and assuming you find them attractive, you then have to find out about the kids thing and invariably they want them or have them. If you want a new job, or new car, or are unhappy with your life, you're told to go out and find a new job or change things. So, I put myself out there. I have been told I don't come across as desperate, I am a very positive person and fun to be around. There just aren't any opportunities. I thought online dating might be ideal for someone in my position but after two years, it can affect your self-esteem so I have dropped it, at least for a while.Someone recently said I just need to accept it and learn to be on my own at least for the next 7 years as once I hit 45, women who would presently discount me but didn't meet anyone to have kids with will then consider me a catch. I don't relish 7 more years of singledom.I could really do with advice here people!! But PLEASE don't question the kids thing. I don't question why those who want kids want them but I am constantly considered weird because I don't conform to the majority in this way.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2012): There definitely are women out there who aren't looking to have kids but it might indeed take some extra work to find them.
Have you looked around for a childfree group in your area?
Check out http://childfree.meetup.com/ or http://www.nokidding.net/
Both list get togethers for childfree (both couples and singles).
And while I've got you clicking on links, check out my favorite childfree blog: www.babyoffboard.com
A
male
reader, doublejack  +, writes (18 July 2012):
OP, you are actually now hitting the age at which women who are your peers and have never had children are beginning to give up on the idea. Fertility drops sharply after 35 and the risk of birth defects and complications rises, so women in this age bracket begin to think that it is too risky and accept it won't happen for them. Even if they don't totally give up the idea, it at least loses urgency and importance in many cases.
I am a couple years younger at 36, and the main issue I run into with women in their early to mid 30's (the range you are most focused on it seems) is that in general they are in a rush. They are well aware the clock is ticking, and they want to settle down and start a family ASAP. I was in one marriage that didn't work out, so I am not about to jump quickly into something else. I want to take my time and get to really know someone, and let things move along at a natural pace rather than be forced into a compressed schedule based on a desired outcome. This difference in time frames has been frustrating for me, so I really don't pursue women in this age bracket as a result.
I am still open to having children, so I tend to date women in their late 20's or just over 30. Their time frame is more in line with my own. Since you do not want to have a family, going for the women in their mid to late 30's and up is going to be a good demographic for you. Many of the women younger than that will either have or want children.
Additionally, a cautionary word about women who do not want children at all. I am generalizing here so this won't hold for all of them, but it is an observation I have made. I personally have discovered issues with that type of woman as I find them to be vain, selfish and rather immature, at least in terms of their lifestyle. For me, it is a red flag when a woman says she doesn't want to have kids because of what it will do to her body as one example. I mean I can appreciate that stretch marks and other changes occur and that can hurt self esteem, but it seems rather shallow to worry about that sort of thing excessively to me. Also I am not into going out drinking and partying all the time, or traveling several weeks a year. There are some women who don't want children because they would interfere with that type of lifestyle. Again, I am generalizing, and this is limited to women who seem certain they never want kids and are still in their prime childbearing years.
One final note is that women who have adult children is another option for you. Women who have kids starting at a young age, late teens to very early 20's, are at a point where the kids are moving out and moving on when they get near 40 or into their early 40's. So you will begin to find peers who have children, but they're all grown up. That may be an acceptable situation for you.
Finally, I have to add that I am 100% with you on not dating older women. My ex-wife is about six years older than I am, and I was with her from the time I was 21 until I turned 33. My experience was that the age gap wasn't such an issue in the beginning, but it grew to be a problem. I regularly get approached by older women, and I turn them down every time. It is not a path I will go down again. You sound like you have your life together and you know what you are looking for, so just be patient and keep your eyes open.... eventually you will be rewarded and find what you seek!
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 July 2012):
 Not all women want children.
and not all older women have low sex drives.
MOST of my couple friends do not have children. one by happenstance and two by choice, the wives just did not want kids and the husbands were OK with it....
as for me, at 52 my children are 26 and 28 and are pretty much done being raised... we're there and social with my younger one (double dates and stuff) but with my older one it's a bit harder as he's a disabled adult child and will always need financial and emotional support. My fiance does not like children and did not want kids ever... he's 39 now and he's very happy being referred to as "my mother's husband" he's not even technically a stepdad since he never did any child rearing.
So, my advice, keep seeking those women that don't want kids and expand that search for older women yet again...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2012): OP here - I can't believe in that first nasty response. I don't think I'd have had two long term relationships at least if I was such an awful person. Or so many wonderful friends who I go on holiday with, spend lots of time with and who mean the world to me. It proves one of my points, those people who want or have kids simply can't understand what it's like to date when the vast majority of people want kids.
Maverick - thanks for that. I have always been up front about it to be fair to other people. Through chatting on dating sites I've found a lot of women who say "undecided" over kids. They contact me and I've had several say I sound interesting and they like the look of me and would date me IF I would have kids!!! Even though they say "undecided" they won't date someone who has made their decision for them. In terms of hobbies - sailing, badminton, music, theatre, art classes. Plenty of women in the last 3, just not single!
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (18 July 2012):
I'm afraid there isn't an easy, simple answer for you. However I have to point out that the more you let this issue invade your mind, the more it will show to the outside world. And it'll work against you. People pick up more than they realize.
I myself have been single for a long time and I was unhappy about it because I saw everyone else acting all lovey dovey with their partners and felt I was missing out. But I have a good life, without too many worries, things other people wish for. It's not perfect, but life never is. So instead of viewing a relationship as an essential part of my life, I started seeing it as a cherry on top of an already good life. It made me more positive and that alone makes one more attractive to others.
Also, what hobbies and activities do you participate in? They might be things that don't give you the opportunity to meet the right people. With one third of all the marriages failing there should be enough women out there.
Also, a lot of women on dating sites put up wanting kids because they know that it'll give them a bigger pool to fish from. Not everyone actually wants them. They just put up they're open to the idea so they might get lucky and find someone who doesn't need kids to feel complete. I suggest you do the same and get it out there in the early dating stages. You might encounter someone who shares your views.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2012): Bondgirl - OP here. Yes, as I put in my original posting (sorry, it was too long), I tried online dating for two years and got two dates. There aren't a great deal of childfree women on there. I agree, I thought it would be an ideal opportunity because you can specify people without kids and don't want but they are few and far between. I tried the four big sites, paid (for one year) and unpaid (two years).
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (18 July 2012):
 I do not think all women want kids. Have you tried an online dating site? These sites ask those kinds of questions and you can see right away who does/doesn't want children. Even if it is not for you, you could just go on one and look around. You don't actually have to contact anyone. You could also put your profile on the site.
Also, I do not think you are weird. I have wanted kids all of my life, but within the last few years (I am 40) have wondered if that is what I really wanted or did I want kids simply because that is what others wanted/had. I help take care of my nephew (he is two) when I am not working and love him very much, but I am glad when he goes home so I can go do what I want.
I think it is good you are upfront that you do not want children. I know it is hard to meet people, but like you said, we are getting into the age group where people are done having children or are deciding they are too old to have children, so don't give up hope.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2012): Stay single then don't see why you can't find anyone and most people can even if they don't want kids. Maybe something they don't like about you?!
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