A
female
age
30-35,
*ugarkis247
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months. He is the sweetest guy ever. He is always thinking of me first and buying me things when i dont expect it. We've talked about having sex. I love him more than anything but I'm not sure if i want to have sex yet. I want to tell him without him thinking it's him. I don't want im to think hi the reason i dont want to. AND i dont want him to get mad. I dont even know if he would get mad. I just dont know what to do this has me thinking like crazy! Help please. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (17 July 2008):
 Dr.Solutions, I am more concerned that this girl now regrets coming here for advice, and yes, the root of my answer was to incourage self respect. It seemed to me that your answer had nothing to do with helping her feel comfertable telling her boyfriend that she wanted to wait, instead it was an opinion (which, of course you are entitled to) about my answer. You did, however misunderstand what I was talking about as far as the money issue. If this were a boy with the same issue, and he mentioned that his girlfriend bought her things, I would tell him, too, that materialistic things (money) is not a good enough reason to compromise your self respect. A good relationship is not based on gifts, it is based on love, trust, and respect. I wasnt aware that that perspective on male/female relationships was warped. I was not encouraging her to break up with him, I was encouraging her to explain to him that she loves him and wants the relationship to last a long time. If he was pressuring her and making her feel uncomfertable, then it may be a good thing for her to move on. You made it see like I told her "Girl, take his money and withold your love for him to get more, and if he dosnt like it, kick him to the curb!"- NOT my advice, at all.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): To the poster: "sugarkis247"; I want to suggest you ignore the differences between the "uncles" and the "aunts"; (LOL);
You seem a very wise person from what I could read in your posting; follow the GOOD advise given to you; You are wise enough to know from all the answers what is good and what is appropriate to you;
Best wishes and lots of SMILES
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): Sorry Dr Solutions, I was angry about some of what you said and therefore I was very rude. I can only appologise and hope that this will be the end of the matter.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): It is nice to hear you have such a loving and caring boyfriend. From how you are describing him, I do believe it you talk to him and just tell him how you feel about sex, he will understand; I suggest you explain to him as you did to us on the posting; that it is not him; that you really like him and care about him; BUT that you are just not ready yet.
I am very positive that he will value and repect your wishes; you are both still young; enjoy your relationship; all the love, affection and attention;it is great to hear about young people who have been together for 8 months and who are not just rushing into sex.
You are a very wise couple; enjoy each other and have sex only when you feel ready for it;
One of the most important things in a relationship is communication; to be able to communicate your needs and wants to each other; this is a great opportunity for you to practise those skills.
Good luck and best wishes with lots of SMILES
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): What's the matter with this stupid board. It posted my answer twice, I sound like I got a stutter, I sound like a idiot. Sorry babes, it's not my fault, I just had a technological attack...
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): Hello sugarkis247,
Thanks for keeping us updated with your situation. You present as aged 13-15 (underage) and currently living in the USA. Forget the stupid comment from Dr.Solutions. He has given no sensible advice on your situation, the man is clearly either very stupid or very sick.
Your boyfriend does sound wonderfull, and the things he does to make you happy, does sound like he likes you very much. Lotus mama is perfectly correct when she says, money, poetry, kindness and love is no reason to have sex. One thing that concerns me is this "prude" thing. There are laws against sex for children for a good reason. You are not old enough to have sex. Sex changes things in a relationship, it causes all types of insecurities and emotions to be released, that you might not be ready for yet. Even us adult women sometimes have to think twice before we have sex.
Love and sex are two different things. Please don't feel under pressure to show your love for him by having sex. Tell him your too young, you don't feel comfortable doing something your parents would hate, and you don't want to take the risk.
The advice in this situtation always remains the same. Especially when your under the age to be having sex legally. If he loves you he will WAIT, if he dosen't then he will leave. Sorry, but this is a rule that you should remember. Never prove your love through sex, it just dosen't work. Take care of you and be good.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): Hello sugarkis247,
Thanks for keeping us updated with your situation. You present as aged 13-15 (underage) and currently living in the USA. Forget the stupid comment from Dr.Solutions. He has given no sensible advice on your situation, the man is clearly either very stupid or very sick.
Your boyfriend does sound wonderfull, and the things he does to make you happy, does sound like he likes you very much. Lotus mama is perfectly correct when she says, money, poetry, kindness and love is no reason to have sex. One thing that concerns me is this "prude" thing. There are laws against sex for children for a good reason. You are not old enough to have sex. Sex changes things in a relationship, it causes all types of insecurities and emotions to be released, that you might not be ready for yet. Even us adult women sometimes have to think twice before we have sex.
Love and sex are two different things. Please don't feel under pressure to show your love for him by having sex. Tell him your too young, you don't feel comfortable doing something your parents would hate, and you don't want to take the risk.
The advice in this situtation always remains the same. Especially when your under the age to be having sex legally. If he loves you he will WAIT, if he dosen't then he will leave. Sorry, but this is a rule that you should remember. Never prove your love through sex, it just dosen't work. Take care of you and be good.
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A
female
reader, sugarkis247 +, writes (17 July 2008):
sugarkis247 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyou guys have helped alot i think some of you need a (Dr Solutions) shrink.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 July 2008):
 I can't really believe that Dr. Solutions is suggesting that Lotus Mama's great advice reeks of sexism!
What is wrong with telling an underaged teenager that waiting to have sex is the best decision she'll make? Respecting her body and letting her know that she doesn't need to have sex at this point?
Dr. Solutions, are you advocating for an underage teenager to have sex against own concerns? She is in the 13-15 age bracket. I'm pretty sure that age is still considered a minor. Are you seriously suggesting that being in charge of her own choices is somehow a bad thing? Did you actually read Lotus Mama's sound advice? I am stunned by your answer.
Poster, do not do anything that you are not prepared for, you are perfectly in the right to wait until you are 100% ready for sex. There is no need to rush, there should be no need to feel pressured.
Take good care of yourself, and I hope everything turns out well for you.
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A
female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (17 July 2008):
I think solutions guy is completely wrong. A young lady needs to have respect for her body, as a young man does as well. Poisoning her mind?! Are you KIDDING? Because I feel that she should respect herself before anyone else? I'd give that advice to any young man as well. I know she loves him, and I never suggested that she cared about the money. She mentioned that he bought her things when unexpected, as a sweet gesture. I suggested that even though he does that for her, if he cannot wait for her, he is not worth being with. You are totally misunderstanding my advice, and I hope this girl doesnt give her body away untill she is at a more mature age. You make it sound okay for kids to be having sex, it isnt! There is nothing wrong for a teenager to respect themselves. I never suggested anything that implies that guys are bad, and should be avoided. I believe that EVERYONE, male or female should make wise, mature decisions, before they end up back at this site asking questions about STD's or unplanned, teenage pregnancies, or what they should do about everyone in school spreading rumors about them because they slept with a peer. Read my answers carefully before you accuse me of being "clearly sexist".
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A
female
reader, sugarkis247 +, writes (17 July 2008):
sugarkis247 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyour right we could care less about the money and i dont really want him reading things i wrote about him. what if he thinks i should have kept it to myslef
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female
reader, sugarkis247 +, writes (14 July 2008):
sugarkis247 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe doesn't press the matter he just asks and jokes around saying im prude. I mean we both laugh about it. cuz of my past. its just this is the one relationship that hasnt been all phyical. i dont want to mess anything up.
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A
female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (14 July 2008):
Waiting for sex is the most mature desicion you can make. If he is not willing to wait for it, he is not worth keeping. No matter how much $ he spends on you, and all the poetry he could write, you are worth waiting for! If he gets mad, you need to move on. I know the thought of breaking it off with him is not even in your mind, but waiting for sex means that you are respecting yourself and putting yourself first, (which is ALWAYS the best thing to do). When you are ready, you will know. Tell him that you love him and want your relationship to carry on for a long time, and that you respect your body and want to wait for the right moment. He should understand and respect you for it. If not, he isnt worth your time. Good luck, and I am proud of you!
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A
male
reader, iluvsox +, writes (14 July 2008):
The best advice is to talk about it. If you truly don't want to have sex, and he's as sweet as you say he is, he'll understand. If he gets mad or whatever, and doesn't want to respect you, that's his own fault. You have to think about your own self interests first.
Chances are, if you and him really love each other, he can wait until you're ready.
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A
female
reader, PsyCookie +, writes (14 July 2008):
 First of all, I'm so glad that you're doing this. Most girls think that because they think they love the guy, they should also have sex with them and end up getting heartbroken.
Now, tell him that it's your decision to not have sex and it's nothing against him. Tell him your views of why you want to wait and that also because you do not feel ready yet. If you say he's the sweet guy he is and if, then he will understand you and respect your decision. If he gets mad, then I'm not sure this is such a great guy then. Nevertheless, you have to tell him your reasons of waiting for sex.
If your guy gets mad, don't have sex with him to please him. This will be a grave mistake that you'll probably regret all your life. Remember to respect your body and let others respect it as well. But if you say he's a nice guy and that loves you, he will understand you. Good luck.
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