A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am really close to just throwing in the towel. I'll try and summarise as much as I can!My first girlfriend died in a car crash when we were 19. We'd been together 2 years and I know first love is always a biggie but to lose someone like that really ripped me to shreds. Obviously took me a long while to get over that. At 23, I met someone else. Good relationship and we were very much in love but split after three years because she was desperate for kids and I really wasn't. Now, at 36, I know I absolutely don't want children. I don't have the paternal gene, although I have a goddaughter. It just isn't for me.I started dating again but nothing ever lasted, even though in one case we were both very keen on each other, because again she wanted kids and I didn't. My next relationship was with a woman who was 10 years older and didn't want kids. We had several good years together but various things started to affect the relationship and in the end the age gap proved too much.I have been on my own for 2 years, want nothing more than to settle down with someone - ideally a very long-term relationship and spend my life with someone. There is no point in starting a journey with someone who has a different path (ie, they want kids), so dating never goes far and the number of women in their 30s who aren't single mums or don't want kids on online dating within a 60-mile radius is tiny.I don't want to have a relationship with an older woman again because I believe the same problems would arise as last time.I have loads of female friends and all of them say I am a fantastic catch with that one exception. In other words, I have to be alone because I don't want kids. I'm not prepared to spend more years on my own. I'd actually rather be dead than alone.I don't know what to do. It seems that my only option is to move away to somewhere much larger where I may have a slightly larger pool of women who don't want kids to stand a chance of meeting someone. To do thhis I would have to move a LONG way and be totally alone with no friends or family. As it is I am an only child, so I have no siblings, nieces or nephews. There are just my parents. Staying here I won't meet anyone - there are no single women in the badminton, tennis, sailing, theatre clubs I am involved with and I work in a small place (although I adore my job).Someone said I shouldn't be looking for someone long-term but just date someone and if in six months or a year it ends because of the kids issue, then move on to another one. But I'm afraid my heart won't take many more knocks like that. Please, I need some serious advice. I am happy with who I am and what I do aside from this one issue. I move to be on my own but MAYBE find someone or I stay here with friends and be highly unlikely to find someone. Big decision. But I do know that if in a couple of years I am still single, I will just end it. People say "you never know when someone is round the corner" but there's only so much hope you can have and so many years you can cope with loneliness.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2011): Hey keep the faith! I'm a 38yr old chica living in London and as time goes on I'm more certain I don't want kids. It's a strange realisation but I have other things in my life I'd rather be doing. However, I do want a long-term relationship with a man. I have a boyfriend now who's 36 but he says he may want kids and if the time comes and we need to make a decision then we'll go our separate ways, which may be sad but I'm not going to give up hope of finding the right fella for me. All I can say to you is that you're still young at 36...there are ladies (nice ones too!) out there who don't want kids. You'll find her when the time is right. Just take it easy on yourself in the meantime. You may need to learn the art of patience! Also, I have to say that topping yourself will not solve anything. You'll regret it on the otherside, trust me. All the best.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): Hi there!
I enjoyed reading your comments. I am a female (aged 31) who, up until about two years ago, always felt very maternal and wished to have lots of babies (as it's a natural female instinct to do so). But I'm starting to see that, having children may not actually be what I want on a day-to-day basis, after the initial elation of their arrival and cuteness dies down. Having said that, I do of course appreciate the fulfillment and joy that a mother must feel and I'm not for a moment saying it's anything but excellent to be a mother.
In the last two years I am getting to know myself more accurately and am starting to see that, although I love the idea of babies and minding them, etc., and am instinctively driven to having on by mother nature, I have an issue with the thought of doing the boring stuff like bring them to school, mingle with their friends' parents, listen to immature chatter endlessly, watch tv programmes they think are great, be constantly worried for their safety, along with going through the horror (I imagine) of childbirth. I have many ambitions (careerwise) that I wish to fulfill still, and I am afraid to bring a child into the world without having fulfilled my own ambitions as then I would be merely there to aid another fulfill their ambitions - which seems pointless.
Having said all of this, I do love other people's children and people always say that I'm extremely maternal and great with children. I, too, am single. And although I get asked out a lot, I think that I have allowed myself to remain single because of the fact that deep down my long-term plans may not suit that of motherhood.
Perhaps you should date a girl and show her the type of life you have to offer her without children, without actually bringing up the topic. Take her to Barbados on a whim. What you need is a girl who doesn't like routine. Because the routine of nappy-changing and feeding and putting children to bed and fitting into a child's routine, is repetitive. I hope this is somewhat helpful..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): Don't lose hope. I'm a woman who doesn't want to have kids. (Married though, sorry). I understand your feelings completely. It's not that I don't have maternal feelings, I just don't want my own kids. It's a decision you can't go back on, and there are so many other things to do in life other than have kids. I too would feel resentment to settle into a child-having relationship, it would be cutting at my very soul. It's not who I am. Though I do realize there are probably more males than females that don't want kids, I do know that there are women that don't want kids, I being one of them. There's such societal pressure to have kids but there are brave women out there standing up against it. That said there are plenty of websites and forums online where you can network with women who don't want kids. Also place an advertisement in the local paper looking for women that don't want kids. From articles I've read, non child wanting women tend to be the more highly educated sort, and that should give you a slight idea of where to begin looking. You really should not give up hope at all. That would just be silly.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): For myself I was very much a career girl with a long term partner until I hit 36 and, although not maternal, I decided I didn't want to somehow miss out. Luckily my partner felt the same. We now have two lovely teenage daughters. I say this because it is hard to make 'forever' decisions as sometimes life just takes a turn. Hopefully you will find someone who is happy not to have children. There are people out there who feel like you. Hope you find someone.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 December 2010):
 Maybe you have to cast a wider net, so to speak. Tehre ARE women out there who do NOT want children, but DO want a long term relationship.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (3 December 2010):
 It worries me that you would rather be dead than single - does the same apply for children? Would you rather be dead than have children? Is it really so bad if it means you get to have a wife/partner and a family? Surely having a family is better than being dead!
Now I am not saying you should change your opinion on children as you are of course entitled to not want children, and plenty of others feel the same way. However to be so extreme in saying you would rather be dead than single makes me think you clearly are desperate for a relationship therefore would having children eventually not be such a sacrifice if it meant being in a long term, fulfiling relationship?
My other thoughts are this - online dating. That is the very best way to find out right from the start if a person wants kids or not because it says so in their profile. Match.com has this in the first few summary lines at the top of the profile, in fact I think you can even perform a search using that as your criteria! It sounds like you have dabbled in online dating, but have you been on it long term? Finding a woman who does not want kids will take a lot longer than finding someone who does, and you may have to start to consider a longer distance relationship in order to find her. But online dating will be your best bet, as long as you stick with it long term and be patient. I met my current partner through online dating, it took plenty of bad dates and months of getting frustrated with it before I met the right guy. So dont dive into online dating, give it a month then give up - keep your profile on there for 6+ months, maybe check it once or twice a week and search for new women that have come onto the site (new people are trying it out all the time). I am pretty sure it will give you at least a few dates with women who definitely dont want children, so give it a go!
Try and remain positive, and learn to be happy with being on your own. The most attractive single men out there are the ones who are confident, happy and enjoy the lives that they have. Not the depressed, potentially sucidal, desperate men who require someone else to 'complete' them. If you cannot love yourself and your own life, then how can you expect someone to love you? I have always viewed 'happiness' as something you create yourself, you cannot rely upon another person to make you happy. A relationship should be viewed like the icing on a cake - the cake is already really tasty and great as it is but the icing makes it just that extra bit better. So your life should already be great, and a relationship would come along and make it just that little bit better.
I am worried that you have thoughts about ending your life, I do suggest you seek professional help for this because you should not be thinking or feeling this way. Speak to a doctor as they may be able to give you medication for this or will be able to point you in the direction of a counsellor who you can talk to about these feelings. It is not normal to seriously consider ending your life and it could be down to a number of factors, whether it is a chemical inblance in the brain or something more emotional based that is deep rooted. But either way you should not be having these thoughts, and there are treatments to stop you feeling this way. So please do visit your GP, you will feel so much better and have a better outlook if you do seek treatment.
I hope this helps and good luck!
I hope thi
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): OP here - I REALLY appreciate your responses.
Anonymous - selfish though it is, if I don't want my own children, I certainly don't want to take on someone else's. I can't help the way I am, it's just not for me. I don't believe this is an area for compromise, it can only lead to resentment down the line.
Abella - yes, someone else has suggested the snip. I'm never entirely sure about 'unnecessary surgery' but it's certainly a sensible thought. Doesn't solve the problem though.
Fiona - not too small, really. Cheltenham, with Gloucester very close too. If I do a search for women aged 28-38 within a 40-mile radius (to take in Bristol and Oxford and Swindon) I get something like 84 pages (each with 9 profiles) of possibles. Take out those that have kids or want kids, and I am left with just 12 profiles!
I think one of the worries is that women at this age also change their mind. My best friend (female) at 29 was undecided about kids. At 31, she decided she didn't want them at all. At 34, she is now desperate for them and is dating madly!
Cindy - I take your point and I know everyone is different, but I can only go on my experience, which is that the one major relationship and two lesser dating experiences suggest age gaps don't work for me.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): There are plenty of career-minded women, and women who have not one ounce of maternalism in their bodies, most likely they are looking for a man that doesn't want kids too.
On a slightly different tack, would a woman who has already had kids be out of the question for you? It's not beyond the bounds of possibility that a woman aged around 40 has already had a couple of kids who have now fled the nest and started building their own.
Don't give up hope and look on the bright side - at least your time and money is your own to do with as you wish, and you don't have anyone else to consider when planning your diary and activities. There are many men who are, I'm quite certain, envious of someone in your position.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 December 2010):
 Life is for the brave :)
If you are so sure that staying where you are will doom you to a life of singlehood.... then you'll have to move somewhere else for, MAYBE, yes MAYBE finding the right person.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Being on your own without friends and family may be daunting, of course, but it's all about priorities. If your highest priority is finding the right child-free woman, then you'll accept that your search is worth some sacrifices.
Besides,if it really sucks, you can always go back.Now it's not like in 19th century when people would emigrate to America or Australia for never coming back. You give it a try for a couple of years or so, if nothing happens, you go home and you'll be at the point where you started from- but at least you'll have tried.
A couple more comments :
as far as I can see, finding a woman who does not want children is difficult but not impossible. Only within my circle of friends there are 3 or 4 married couples who are
intentionally childless.
And : why are you so sure that with another older woman you'd have the same problems ? Every woman is different, regardless of her age.
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A
female
reader, Fiona xxx +, writes (3 December 2010):
 I really don't believe that if you don't want kids, you have to be alone.
We have been together 14 years and don't have kids. The fact that we are married and have a house together is quite a bit to bind us together anyway.
I am also friends with a couple who have been together 3 years longer than we have and they don't have kids.
Also friends with somebody approaching their 10th wedding anniversary who didn't have kids either.
Granted it seems that most people still want kids and while they may be delaying having kids, they seem to suddenly have kids when they are aged 33-35.
I know what you mean about perpetual relationships and the heartache with that. I am sure honesty is the best policy and the sooner you say your thoughts about this the better. i.e. to avoid wasting the best part of a year with somebody. This way you can work out early on if you are working towards the same thing.
I assume you live in a small town somewhere then. No large town say 10 miles away or something that doesn't require you moving to a different place.
It's possible to start a relationship with somebody who lives say an hour away, stay for weekends or whatever. See how it goes.
Fiona
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (3 December 2010):
 Before you sink any deeper into despondency i was wondering if it might be useful for you to discuss your current 'down' feelings with the Doctor? Some things can look different when our current mood is lifted.
Also i was wondering if a vasectomy would end the 'baby/no baby' issue? if you are absolutely completely sure you want no children then that snip would
seem a logical step.
Lastly i agree you do need to widen your circle of friends and the people you interact with, to find your next partner.
My suggestion is a holiday, somewhere relaxing, far far away But only temporarily, to test the waters.
By going on a far far away holiday it would relax you and demonstrate that, yes, there are millions of (often ambitious) woman who do not
want children, but do want a great career and a great man, who also does not want children.
i do have children, and cannot imagine my life without them. But before the first one was conceived i had never imagined me with children.
But you do not have to explain yourself to anyone. If you do not want to have children then stand by your decision
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): You have a problem here as most women want, at some time or another, to have a child. Especially women in their 30s who will not want to waste time on a relationship that may not ultimately lead to a family because of the old body clock issues. You could consider a woman who already has a child. If you are not prepared to compromise then you have only to hope you will meet a like minded woman. Think carefully again about whether being part of a family is something unacceptable to you rather than being alone.
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