A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Unfortunately, I will be getting a divorce soon. I've been married for almost 6 years and my family does not know about it. My family, being my parents and siblings. I wish to keep this confidential, especially to my future gf/fiance/wife. Is this possible?There will be no complications from this previous marriage. No kids or debts incurred together. I just don't want anyone to know I was married before, because it is against my religion to be married to an unbeliever, which she was.What could happen to me if I check "single" on my next marriage application/license?Please help. I feel I really screwed up my life because of this marriage.
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female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (19 September 2008):
 If you put it on forms the only people who know are the people you give the form too - there is no reason to think your friends and family will find out. I do find it a bit hard to believe you have kept it secret for so long, did you not actually live together or did people think you were an unmarried couple.
If you hide it from a new gf just think how devastated she would be if she found out 5 years down the line that you had not been honest with her??
I think its time to be a man about this and fess up x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2008): I did not want anyone to know that i had been previously married so put spinster on my marriage certificate second time round. This was because I thought being divorced was loss of face!! Absolute rubbish ofcourse but not what i thought at 24! I got away with it for 15 years until my second husband wanted a divorce when it was cited that i had been trying to hide something by putting spinster and not divorced on that form. Nothing happened legally but I got a telling off in an open court. My advice would be to tell people about the 6 year old marriage because someone is bound to find out and spill the beans at some stage. You will aslo feel a lot happier having unburdened yourself. People will get over it. I wish i hadn't been so silly at the time. I don't know what the rules are in the US but I wouldn't put anything on any of the official forms that isn't true because like it was for me it might come back and bite you at some stage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe's the one filing for divorce. I'm just distraught, but thanks for the reality check that divorce sucks and that it is a big burden that I need to shrug off my shoulders.
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A
male
reader, FETSEA  +, writes (19 September 2008):
HOW DID YOU KEEP A SIX YEAR MARRIAGE IS SUCH SECRETIVE SILENCE? Are you saying that, parents on both sides do not know this, your friends,her friends,neighbours, and the close members of your social fabric do not know at all.
How could you ditch a woman, your wife, after 6 years. Who is filing the divorce?
No child and no debts are not tickets for divorce. You may not want the world to know, but I do know, now.
Your wedding to be is not by telling the bride to be, anything at all, but by her own notion, that she is marrying a single virgin.
How could you check "single" at registrar, temple/church if you are a "believer".
Whom will she... your present wife turn to. What will your next wife do, when she comes to know.
Old adage: Can you hide a pumpkin in a plate of rice?
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (19 September 2008):
 I used to be very religious. We Catholics have something we call "sins of omission". That is, you might commit a sin if you fail to do or say something that you should have said. I'm not sure if your religion has this, too, but what you are asking is very close to a "sin of omission", at least from my perspective.
If you kept your previous marriage in secret, you would essentially be hiding an important piece of information from your wife-to-be. I don't think this is honest, or a good way to start a marriage. Think what you would feel if you found out your wife-to-be was married before and doesn't tell you about it.
What is the big deal about having been married? If it was a sin, according to your religion, then you have stopped committing that sin and are now back in the right path.
If you're religious, I need to say that you would be lying if you said you're "single", when you're actually "divorced".
I read somewhere that you need to abide by the rules when you're young, so you have the courage to break the rules when you're old. These days, I believe that it's good to be religious, provided you don't follow the rules blindly. If you're Christian, you need no better example than Jesus himself. Was he the first to cast stones at the sinful woman?
Why is it wrong to marry a non-believer? The fact that she doesn't believe in your particular faith defines her absolutely, rather than the rest of her self?
It is possible to keep your family from knowing you were married. I don't think it's correct, however. I don't see where the problem is.
Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, Tremor  +, writes (19 September 2008):
 What is the point of getting married if you aren't going to tell anyone? And how did you manage to keep it a secret for SIX YEARS? Did you keep the poor girl in a closet or something?
Keeping it a secret is a bad idea, particularly if you keep it from any future love interests. It's a big secret to keep, and most women won't stand for being lied to like that. Your family won't appreciate it either, and lying is just as much of a sin as being married to an unbeliever.
I think what you need to do here is simply come clean, admit that you made a mistake, and learn from it. You will probably not be Mister Popular when people find out you have kept a six year marriage from them anyway, but it's better to relieve yourself of that buden now, rather than carry it around for years until someone eventually finds out.
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