| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: Dear All,I wonder if anyone can give me some dating advice? I'm a 32 year old single woman who has had quite a lot of bad relationships in the past, to the point I now find it difficult to trust any man.I am currently going through a period of reflection, and had deduced that maybe somewhere in my subconscious I must have had a fear of commitment myself, as men I have dated in the past have been either unavailable for a relationship (commitment phobes, one attached guy), or just the general womaniser/player - of whom I always seem to attract (and am attracted to, myself).I realise that my problem is that I get bowled over with sexual attraction initially, and try to form a relationship with this person, but in the end they run away - probably as they don't want to be tied to one woman! I seem to love men that treat me badly - I guess I must have a poor self-esteem, even though i know I am attractive and intelligent.Anyway, trying to break this bad habit, I have a male fried who has loved me for the past 3 years now. In the past, I was always involved with someone else, and so he didn't get a look-in. But now I am single, I am seeing him with "fresh eyes" and contemplating starting a relationship with him. He loves and respects me, is reliable and honest and I know he would always want the best for me.My one "hang-up" is tha we are from quite differing levels of intelligence - he is Latvian, and a painter/decorator, living in the UK, whilst I am English and work as a Management Consultant.Not wanting to sound a snob - this man is very good to me, and I do really appreciate him. But there is a part of me that knows he will struggle in social circles, due to language and cultural barriers (he is very shy when in groups of people, whilst I am very much a bubbly people person.)I am scared of letting something happen between us, simply because I know how much he cares for me, and I don't want to hurt him, should it not go well. He ticks all the "boxes", except one which asks the question as to whether we are on the same "level".Is there anyone out there that can give me some insight, based on experiences? Whilst I don't want to mess him around, I also don't want to lose someone, who could end up to be a great love for me.Thanks and best regards,Miss Worried x
View related questions:
period, shy, womaniser Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2006): Hello All,
I'm the original poster of this problem.
Just want to say thanks to all of you for taking the time to give me your advice.
I agree with all of you! Which doesn't help my decision making process that good, but it's the truth. I guess there is a part of me that is trying to settle for this man because I know he loves me, although I know there must be something that has, in the past, stopped me from crossing the line with him. I guess this must be down to self-esteem issues.
On the other hand, there is part of me that is thinking of trying to start something with him, because I do know he will treat me well (as opposed to past boyfriends), and I am trying to break the cycle of dating "players".
I have decided to try and see what happens. I'm not sure how compatible we are, which is what I am finding out, but at least I am trying. I don't know if we can sustain a relationship, but I am giving him a fair go, and trying to see if we can make something work.
One thing I've realised is that, if I am not truly happy, then I will have to let him go. I have learned that it is better to be happily single as opposed to be unhappily attached.
I'll keep you guys posted, and thanks again for offering me so many different perspectives - it's quite interesting that all the responses so far have been from men. Are there any female views out there?
Thanks again, guys.
Pam xx
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (12 June 2006):
 It sounds like you have come a long way in assessing your behaviour and understanding that it comes from your low self esteem.
One of the main issues I've seen with women / girls with low self esteem is that they stay with men that are not worth it because they feel thats all they deserve. This can be conscious or sub-conscious. So I'd recommend you think about that in this context: are you 'settling' for this man (who you think is in some ways inferior?) because you think you don't deserve or can't keep a 'better' one? Or is it because you genuinely like and respect him?
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (11 June 2006):
 My sister in law has had a few relationships with guys that she thought were great. She has kids by two of them. Another guy she dated has always wanted her and has remained in contact with her during all of this. HE MUST really like her. I think that says something.
Another woman I know has low self esteem. She's pretty and pleasant but goes for the bad boys. When she comes accross a good guy, she finds him wimpy and dumps him. She doesn't know how to be treated nicely.
Maybe you are a bit of a snob. Maybe not. You know, sometimes accents make people sound dumb. It's not true. I've lived in a country where I didn't speak the language. I'm pretty well spoken but I can assure you I didn't add much to many conversations while living there. I mean, do you and your group sit around talking about theories on splitting atoms etc.
Don't throw away a good guy because he doesn't tick all the boxes. If you meet someone who ticks all the boxes, and it's not likely, that will change over time. You will find out they too are not perfect.
In your own words, you've said so far you've not been lucky in love. Maybe you've had the perfect guy under your nose all along and you didn't know it. Nobody is perfect, not you me or anybody. If you feel the vibe with this guy and yo're attracted to him, let your guard down. If you're with the kind of peopel that would look down on this guy because he's a painter, you need better friends.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2006): This Lativan man really sounds as if he is right for you, so I say that you should get together with him. And as for your being "different levels of intelligence," perhaps a management consultant needs/has more formal education than a painter/decorator, but that in itself doesn't mean you are more intelligent than he. So, don't let any self esteem issue block your way to having a relationship with this Lativan man (you'll waste your entire life looking for Mr. Perfect).
...............................
|
