A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Three days ago, my boyfriend and I broke up. We recently just moved out of our apartment together two weeks ago to move back to our parent's places for this summer (I am a student, and he will be in January) I am turning 22 in August and he is 23.We had really rough times when we lived together, because he has zero communication skills, and I am anxious a lot (I HAVE been diagnoses with a panic attack and anxiety disorder)When we first started dating, I DID warn him about it, and he told me he was fine with it, and accepted me for who I was. We had been together for almost a year and a half.Since maybe two weeks before we moved out, our sex life started getting better and regular, unlike when we did live together. He showed me more attention, and affection, and showed me he wanted me. Around three weeks ago, I found conversations that weren't innocent between him and a girl, but he explained it and we moved past it, but I told him he had to work to prove to me I should stay with him, because he broke my trust.Four days ago, I woke up to a panic attack, and called him for help to calm me down. They are really bad, and I could not seem to reach anyone else because my friends were all at work or busy, and I told him that. I called around 11 am. He talked to me for around 3-4 minutes and told me he was hungry so he was going to go eat and call me back right away. I waited an hour and called back because I was still feeling pretty horrible, and he was sweet on the phone but only talked for maybe a minute and told me he was still getting ready and stuff. An hour and a half later, I still never heard from him so I called again .. and he was really annoyed with me on the phone telling me he was with his friends (they always hang out for coffee) and he could not talk right now because he was busy. This annoyed be because all this time all I asked for was a little 15 minutes on the phone for help, but he was busy with his friends. It seemed like I wasn't important. The day passed and I didn't hear from him, and the anxiety got so bad that I was thinking about going to the Hospital. I told him this through text around 8 pm, and he asked me what was wrong, I told him and he said he would call in two minutes but an hour passed and he still hadn't called. I called at 9, and he seemed in the best of moods, talked to me for ten minutes, told me how much he loved me and how everything was okay, and said he would call me when he got home.I didn't get a call from him until the day after at 2:30 pm. He told me he had just woken up because he was out with his friend all night. he seemed a little distant but I didn't react to it, and we met at 5 pm before his shift for work (he lives an hour away from me, but sometimes works closer to my home, so we see each other, and every weekend) When I got there, he was acting really distant towards me, I asked what was wrong, he said nothing .. I had to pull it out of him and he told me he was annoyed with me because I kept calling and texting him the day before and he couldn't deal with it. I asked him if he still loved me and he said "yea i think so" and right then I told him I couldn't be with someone that "thought" they loved me. He said he didn't want to break up, but he couldn't deal with my anxiety and insecurities. I told him the only reason I had insecurities was because of the way he treated me. He said again that he didn't want to break up, and I told him we were anyway, and he had to leave for work, so we left it at that.An hour after, he texted me he was sad, and missed me, and didn't want this. I told him that I couldn't stay with someone that had doubts all the time about us, and that he needed to figure out his stuff. He said he would call and talk about it when he got home from work, but never did (this is typical behavior for him)The next morning he texted me "hope you have a good day baby /3 I miss you" and a bunch of stuff how his heart was empty without me, and he loved me, and didn't want this to happen, and couldn't be without me, and all that stuff. I told him to call me that night to talk about things. That same day (which was yesterday) I found out he had been hanging out with a girl, who is also both our friend, behind my back. He hid the fact that he saw her a lot, and drove around with her and stuff, when there was no point in hiding it. I texted him telling him what I had found out, and told him to call me that night to explain. I also called her, and she got mad at him because she thought that I knew and it was just a friendly hang out, and didn't think more of it. She texted him asking him why he would keep it from me, making it seem like they were hiding something, and that he almost cost her her friendship with me. She called me all day and night and we talked and she made sure I was okay and texted him to call me (because he was now ignoring me) and he told her he would call me "in a bit" which was around supper, and never called. I called him, he put me through voicemail. He never even told his parent's we broke up. And the girl told me that he texted her the night we broke up telling her he was sad and missed me.It's now morning and I texted him again asking him to contact me, because I am going down his way to pick up my stuff and give him his, and figure out everything (and I texted him this last night) but he is STILL ignoring me completely. I'm going to his house around 6 pm. What should I do? What should I think? Why was he telling me he missed me that morning and the minute something goes wrong he shut me out. I don't understand, and don't know how to react to it. PLEASE help before I leave, I really really need advice!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): i feel for you too. my ex recently broke up with me too. he used to be my rock, but now, he has dumped me for someone else ( someone online actually, who he has never met ! ). he's only seen her on webcam and heard her voice through a microphone. this has made me even more anxious, and, because he said he doesnt want me to contact him any more, i can't speak to him.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 May 2011):
 Sorry but I side with the boyfriend. Loving somebody can't mean giving your life up and being at your loved one's beck and call 24/7. Maybe if the loved one is a child ,- but if he/she is an adult he can't use his sickness as an excuse to make other people miserable.
I am not one of those that does not allow the status of illnes to panic attacks and anxiety disorders, I believe it is an illness . So ? You are an adult, and responsible for taking care of your life and your health, and for coping as maturely and independently as possible with whatever life throws at you. If you had, say, diabetes- it's a true illness, and a serious one and it can have very dire consequences . But , hopefully, you would not go on, day and night, with " I am unhappy , I need help, I am miserable, please take care of my diabetes ". You would learn to take your insulin, observe your diet, do the routine checks, and stay positive. Your boyfriend can help you , can be patient , can be there for you when it's really necessary - but he is not your nurse or official
caretaker. You can't pester him this way because you felt
unwell. Btw, what are you doing for your condition ? Are you in regular therapy ? Are you taking medications ? Are you doing yoga or tai chi or meditation or any other anxiety defusing technique ?...
For some reason, I suspect you are not. It's simpler and easier just blowing off your bf's phone, right ?- and throwing a big tantrum once he is exhausted with your demands and neediness.
If you want to patch things up, now- do NOT go hunting after him. Let it all boil down for a week or so, then call him calmly and say you might have misinterpreted some things and overreacted. Then, take it from there, but... if you feel you can't control yourself and you are going to start hunting him down again- save him and yourself further aggravation and stay single !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2011): Hey! We're actually still broken up, but I just want closure and we need to talk about getting our damage deposit back cause we payed half and half of it. I think he at least owes me that. I just want my stuff back, but he's gone missing. I don't know what to do at this point.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2011): hi well let me start by saying that not to many people understand or won't take try to understand what a panic or axiety attack its horrible its something uncontrolable and super awful and they happen without notice. i rather have a tooth ache everyday than an axiety attach. i suffer them too.ok first you should have more character and self dignity and self respect, your still young dont call him anymore. If he doesnt want to be there for you just dont deal with him no more let him go on with his life seems like he has time when hes bored. be strong and brave. If he looks for you ignor him the same, continue your life to the same as him. And get people close to you to be around you to deal with your attacks. you never know maybe hes the one triggiring your axiety attacks more often than usual.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2011): Hi there. It sounds as though your boyfriend has become drained and weighed down with all your demands? I would seriously get professional assistance for your panic attacks and take better care of yourself maybe with medication because relationships shouldn't be therapy, they should be fun and not reliant on the other person to cope with daily life.
Back off in a big way and start spending your time with friends and take up some interests. When he sees you aren't so needy then he may become interested again. He cares but he sounds at the end of his rope.
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A
male
reader, Drew21 +, writes (6 May 2011):
 It sounds to me like this is a guy who doesn't know what he wants, and/or doesn't really know how to handle your anxiety attacks. I feel for you because i have issues with anxiety attacks, too, and they've always caused havoc in relationships that i've been in.
I do have to say that someone with a lack of communication skills is always going to be frustrating, but especially so when it appears that this lack of communication is a spark for your anxiety attacks.
You've explained to him that the anxiety is caused by his lack of communication. The ball is really in his court at that point. If he can't give you what you need to feel secure in a relationship, is it really a relationship worth suffering through?
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