A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my bf for nearly 4 years and have been living together for nearly 3. Our realtionship to me was amazing, we had so much in common up for a laugh go out with our friends, eveything around the house was split 50/50 we was a good working team. For me he was what i wanted to settle down with. However things started to get a little bit boring, but thats how it goes sometimes in every day life takes over. About 6 months ago out of the blue (no agruements) i went away with the girls left him a love note under his pillow when i got back he told me he didn't love me anymore. He said if love was a two sided coin he only loves me on one side. He stayed on the sofa for 2 nights and then went the followng night. The next morning he came back and said he was sorry and that he didn't mean it. We have had his brother staying with us for 2 years so it was kind of hard to try and work through it.To me he has not made any effort over the past 6 months we have been agruing a lot more and when we go out drinking he gets angry and we end up fallen out. Whenever i have any plans with my friends/family he says he is ill. My cousin had a leaving party and he came but left 45mins later to go to another pub and turned up 3 hrs later so drunk and then went again then came back shouting and punching the fence managed to get him in the taxi then he went somewhere else came home then took me another 45mins to get him to bed after he was punching and hitting the wardrobe.He has locked me out at midnight so i had to walk to my sisters on my own in the ice and i was rather drunk. He is taking things out on meBut he tells me he loves me.A few more bits have happened but thats mainly it.I don't understand how it has gone from being so lovely and perfect to this?
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female
reader, Olicia +, writes (1 February 2011):
Be strong. Tackle him about the rules and direction of your relationship. Talk it over and try to make peace.
If you input half and hour and say positive things, your whole life can change dramatically. Attitude changes everything.
If he won't talk to you then maybe it's time to give him an ultimatum.
A bit of good advice came to me when I was your age. Relationships are supposed to make you happy. Time flies. If you've not cracked it in 6 months - move on. It doesn't take a long time to change the nature of a relationship - only a few minutes, if you both take it seriously and you both want to make the other person happy.
Don't drift, otherwise you'll lose yourself. Take charge.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): Seeing your update - how selfish of him to buy a motorbike so now you can't go on holiday! That would be the deal breaker for me. He is keeping you interested with promises about the future but that's all they are, promises, meanwhile he carries on in his own way. Do you want to go another couple of years down the road before realising he will do things at his own pace and to suit him. You are young, so you can move on from this and meet other people who may be more suited to you in the long run. Take control of your life. Don't be with him because you fear life without him. You are denying yourself a happier future in the long run.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): Thank you for all your replies
Little bit more from my story
He is talking about saving to get married and what it would be like having babies not yet but in the next few years.
I am so confused i do not understand what all this is about. Ive tried talking to him and he says there nothing wrong ive said dont think you not want to be with me. I feel as so he needs to make the effort to make up what he said and try and mend what he has broken but it seems aslong as he is happy thats all that matters. His brother has moved out we said we would go on holiday this year and do more us things but instead he has a bought 1100 motor x bike so we cannot book a holiday yet. I scared to say see you later as it might be a mistake.
What a mess!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): Hi there
So sorry to hear that you're having problems like this. I don't know whether this advice will be helpful, but here goes.
When you're in a relationship that you want and expect to last a lifetime, it has to have STRUCTURE. Just going from day to day without an overall plan is frustrating and your boyfriend is showing obvious signs of distress, boredom and frustration.
A satisfying life is about setting goals and achieving them. Just having a laugh, getting drunk -that sort of thing - is a bit aimless, even if it's fun. So - you need to set some goals and you need to DEFINE what making an effort is.
First - you agree that, even if there are problems, you love one another and you want it to work. That's important - and if he's not sure about that, then it makes the rest of this advice a bit shakey, though you can apply it to any relationship. It only works if the other person agrees though.
RULES
Still - say you agree that you love one another. Draw up some rules about how you both want to be treated. EG. That he doesn't ever lock you out or put you in danger - and that, for example, you both give each other respect and proper attention each week.
THE BROTHER
The brother living with you is tricky. Two years? That needs to be spoken about and a leaving date agreed on. Couples don't do very well when they've got a third wheel. You all need to understand that this situation is temporary - unless, of course, the brother is intent on never having a life of his own and staying until he's a pensioner and you're helping him to put his socks on!
WEEKLY PLAN
Get a weekly plan drawn up about how you're going to spend your time. For example, on a Monday, you cook a nice meal and watch a DVD. On Tuesday - he meets up with his friends. On Wednesday, he cooks for you. On Thursday, you meet up with your friends. Always have something nice planned for the weekend. Know what you're doing and get used to doing things together. Boredom is often distressing and it causes rows. The more you work together, the more it will seem natural and you won't be having rows and ditching one another.
MAKE COMPROMISES
You need to understand what things make you happy as a couple and as individuals. So, if time with your family makes you happy, but they get on his nerves for some reason - you need to understand why. Then, compromise - say you can attend family functions together but you both leave together after an hour or two. Support one another. He might hate it that you go out with the girls and come home drunk. Understand what his fears are and then tweak your behaviour so that you can be both comfortable.
If you're able to follow the weekly plan - start thinking further ahead. Get something nice planned for a month's time - like a concert or a trip away. I know this stuff costs money - and if it's short, then be imaginative. Picnics out, even in winter can be fun.
HEALTHY LIVING
I don't mean to be a killjoy - but alcohol is a depressant. Stop the drinking. People aren't themselves anyway when they're drunk and they're not responsible either. A good relationship that's going places needs to be steered responsibly. You wouldn't drive a car when drunk, and relationships crash when people are alcohol dependent.
Get some fresh air. Even if it doesn't seem like you - get out together and have a walk. Take some bread and feed some pigeons! Hold hands. Go and look for beautiful buildings. It might seem a bit daft and sooooo not you, but the simple things in life are the best and doing things that you wouldn't normally do helps us all to grow as people.
CORE VALUES
Decide on what's important to you both. Do you both want to be decent, responsible, kind human beings - or out of control, unkind, aggressive drunks? If you stay together and you have children, then surely, you would want your kids to be in a home where people respect one another and can rely on one another to be kind and supportive and patient.
Being nice to people gets good results. Being nasty always invites a payback. Praise one another's good points. And if there's some criticism to make, then don't be aggressive about it or cruel.
If you're keen to make these changes and he's not - then there's someone else for you. If he can recognise the worth of this advice, then you have a good chance of putting all this behind you and going from strength to strength.
And here endeth the lesson! I hope it's helpful.
GOOD LUCK!!!
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (1 February 2011):
 Honest opinion... and forgive me for being very speculative with what little info there is to go on...
I think he doesn't love you anymore.
Think about it, he left unprovoked and told you that he didn't love you anymore. Then a day later he came back. Now what would his motives be behind saying he didn't love you if it wasn't true? Can you think of any? I cant. I think he meant it when he said it then and I think it's still true today.
Can you think of any motives for why he might come back after only one day? I can think of plenty... Announcing the split to loved ones, the splitting of mutual property, mutual friends and the awkwardness that goes hand in hand with splitting up. The destruction of the "comfort zone", the safe familiarity that has been the last four years. It's enough to psych out anybody...
I think he was telling the truth when he said that he didn't love you anymore, especially because it was unprovoked- which suggests to me that he'd been mulling that realization over in his mind for some time. I think he got scared and came back to you not because he realized he actually DID love you still, but because he either got scared or because he thought he might be able to fall back in love with you.
I don't think that realization has just vanished... I think he's just suppressed it. That might explain why he's been acting out lately and not putting any effort into the relationship as he may not think it has a future. I hope that he's not acting out deliberately so that YOU break up with him as he's too cowardly to do it himself.
Again, I'm just speculating so take what I've written with a pinch of salt, right, wrong or deluded- that's my honest opinion as to what could be going on here.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (1 February 2011):
 well you are quite young, having his brother live with you has probably not helped your relationship. also he has alcohol exacerbatted anger issues. if he doesn't want you to spend time with your friends and family then that would be a red flag to me personally.
sounds like things have run their course. only you can tell that though. if you are not getting what you want out of this situation you have to think how can that change? would getting his brother to move out help, or would drinking less make for a better mood overall.
good luck
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A
male
reader, Welsh Uncle Dave +, writes (1 February 2011):
Sometimes relationships can just run their course, but this sounds like there's more to it that he's not letting on about.
It's his behaviour that seems the puzzling bit.
Have you tried to talk to him about it?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): At some point things changed for him. The time when he said he didn't really love you enough in the same way seems to be the moment. His brother living with you can not be good long term, it needs to be just the two of you. The thing is relationships change and develop, sometimes not as you plan. Maybe your relationship has now run its course but he is staying out of habit, I don't mean to sound cruel, but there it is. Ideally you need a thorough heart to heart and face whatever issues you have, which would also involve having his brother move out. But I sense the will is not there (on his part)and that you may need to accept that the good times are not coming back and you need to leave him. It can not be good for you living with this hostile situation. Don't let this grind you down. Leave him.
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